Moose and Molly

"My Brother Jack forgets all his problems when he's with his girlfriend!" says Molly.
Meanwhile, Molly's Brother Jack and his girlfriend are in a boat on a river. The boat has started to go over a waterfall, but Molly's Brother Jack has managed to grab onto a tree branch and is holding the boat in place. His girlfriend is sleeping peacefully in the boat while a mouse, a rabbit, a bird and a green squirrel look on in interest.

Comic

Explaining Shoe

Shoe visits a prisoner in jail.
"It's an injustice, I tell you." says the prisoner. "I was arrested for impersonating an officer."
"What were you doing?" asks Shoe.
"Eating donuts!" says the prisoner.

Police officers stereotypically enjoy doughnuts, so the implication is that a person eating doughnuts may be attempting to give the impression that they are a police officer. The absurdity of that conclusion gives rise to the humour of the strip (if such humour could be said to exist).

Comic

Six Chix

Two women ride horses toward the edge of a cliff where they find a large pile of abandoned sets of headphones.
"Hush." says one to the other. "We have arrived at the Great HeadPhone Burial Grounds."

Comic

Improving Between Friends

Based on this recent Between Friends strip.

Henry

"Remember," says Henry's mother as she leaves the house, "I don't want you to have any visitors while I am gone, Henry!"
After his mother leaves, Henry notices a fly in the house. Taking a very broad definition of the word "visitor", Henry begins to panic. He quickly realises though that there is some bug spray in the house, so he gets it and quickly uses it to kill the offending insect.

Comic

Explaining Crankshaft

In a sepia tone (indicating a flashback) we see a teenage Ed Crankshaft dozing contentedly. Suddenly he clenches his his and opens his eyes.
"I just remembered I have a test today." he says, angrily.

In the present, Ed sits at the kitchen table, staring grumpily at the cup of coffee before him.
"Are you doing okay?" asks Pam.
"I'm fine..." says Ed. "I just don't like tests."

See, it's funny because Crankshaft is slowly succumbing to age-related dementia, losing track of what's happening, where he is, what year it is, etc. His mind, the thing that makes him the person he is, is gradually disintegrating, leaving him confused and angry and his family helpless and distraught. Comedy.

Comic

Wee Pals

"Where have you been, Connie?" asks Oliver.
"At Sybil's house!" says Connie. "She has a new beauty kit"
"She wouldn't let you use it?" asks Oliver.
Randy gasps.

Later, Oliver lies beaten and bruised on the ground.
"It was worth it" he says.
Randy seems unconvinced.

Comic

Pondering Dustin

Dustin, 2013-05-07.

Dustin is a university graduate in his mid twenties. Given that the driving age in America is 16, that girl's probably around 15 years old. What the fuck is this shit?

Moose and Molly

"Molly!" calls Clara through the window. "Want to hear the latest gossip about Shirley?"
"I'm going next door for a minute!" says Molly to Moose. "Stir the soup every half-hour or so"
Moose is shocked.

Comic

Improving Beetle Bailey

Based on this recent Beetle Bailey strip.

Dennis the Menace

Dennis has a habit of innocently repeating things that his parents have said about their friends in front of those friends, and the Mitchells have an unfortunate habit of saying uncomplimentary things about their friends. This combination of factors leads to awkward moments in social occasions.

Comic

Pondering Garfield

I often like to make improvements to Garfield strips, a task made fairly easy by the fact that the art is so simple, the backgrounds are generally flat colours and the only direction it's possible to take the joke is up, but honestly, Garfield isn't that bad.

No no, hear me out. Look at this strip for example:

Garfield, 2013-05-06.

It's true, it could certainly be better, but there's the seed of a decent joke there. The biggest problem is simply the need to give Garfield some dialogue. The punchline is clearly Jon's third-panel dialogue, but at that stage Garfield hasn't said anything, so the strip ends on the weaker joke of Garfield insulting Jon. So let's get rid of that.

That's better, but I think we can still get some improvement.

Now what we've got is the actual essence of the joke. Jon tied his shoelaces together, but rather than simply retying them like a normal person he is just taking small steps and complaining about it to his cat. That was the original joke, but it was padded out with unnecessary dialogue and weakened by being carried on past the actual punchline.

There's no reason Garfield can't be a funny strip. I like to think I've made it funny on numerous occasions, as have several others. The actual hard bit is done, the joke has been written, it's just buried underneath a pile of extraneous dialogue that has no business being there.

Beetle Bailey

Gen. Halftrack and Pvt. Bailey are standing beside a cannon, near some targets.
"Why aren't you firing ?" asks Gen. Halftrack.
"I'm not sure how far away the target is" replies Pvt. Bailey.
"If I was on the golf course" says Halftrack, "I'd say you need a 3-wood"

Neither of them seems to have noticed that the cannon is facing the wrong direction.

Comic

Improving Mandrake

Based on this recent Mandrake strip.

Explaining Scary Gary

Gary wakes up, stretches, gets out of his coffin and goes to make himself some coffee. Taking his coffee into the lounge-room he encounters Leopold, who is just going to bed. Gary is a vampire, you see, and Leopold is some kind of goblin or something, so Gary is awake at night-time but Leopold is awake during the day.

But actually that's not normally how it works at all, they're both usually awake at the same time, and don't seem to stick to any regular hours, it's just implied that they sleep at different times in this strip for the purposes of this one specific joke.

So really what's happening here is that one day, purely by chance, Gary and Leopold's schedules overlapped in such a way that one of them woke up just as the other was going to bed. That's the joke.

Comic

Henry

As Henry walks down the street he encounters a small child sitting on a barrel and crying. Taking the boy's hand, Henry leads him to a greeting card shop. They enter, and Henry shows him a display of "cheer up" cards. The boy is delighted. The shop owner looks on sternly.

Comic

Mary Worth

Tom and Beth are on their first date.

After dinner...

"I'm in love with you, Beth." says Tom.
"I feel the same about you, Tom." says Beth.
They press their faces together as the wall behind them explodes.

Comic

Improving Garfield

Based on this recent Garfield strip.

Beetle Bailey

"Don't pour him another drink." says Maj. Greenbrass to the barman. "He's had too many"
"Really? Asks the barman. "How can you tell?"
General Halftrack has drunk so much that he is literally sweating whiskey.

Comic

Pondering The Lockhorns

Panel from The Lockhorns, 2013-05-05.

Ah, that explains it. That's how they manage to lure people to their house. You meet one of them when the other's not present and you think "Hey, this is a normal, fun person." so you go to their house and you see the two together and suddenly all the colour is drained from the world, and you leave dazed, a mere shell of your former self.

Fred Basset

"What are you up to then, Fred?" asks Fred's owner.
"Not a lot!!" thinks Fred.

Comic

Improving Garfield

Based on this recent Garfield strip.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith

"Halp me, Snuffy !!" says Barney, in a panic. "Yore wife is tryin' t'hitch me up an' tie me down t'matrimony !!"
"Now why would 'Weezy do that, Barney?" asks Snuffy.
"Wake up an' smell th' parfume, Smif !!" says Barney, waving his fist in the air angrily. "All females are matchmakers !!"
Snuffy laughs.

Comic

Pondering Flash Gordon

Flash Gordon, 2013-05-05.

Is this racist? Do lizard-men stand in for some real-world ethnic group? 'Cause that note from Zarkov about how they seem like normal people on the surface but they just can't control their base instincts like white people humans can just sounds very similar to what some actual racists say in real life.

Improving Beetle Bailey

Based on this recent Beetle Bailey strip.

Sam and Silo

Sam and Silo are standing in an empty, white void, waiting to see balls.

Comic

Beetle Bailey

Pvt. Diller is showering when Pvt. Bailey, also naked, walks in on him.
"I thought you just took your shower" says Diller.
"I did" says Bailey.

Comic

Explaining Mother Goose and Grimm

Two men in suits and dark glasses are at the door.
"Think, mom..." says Grimm, "who did you hire to whack our weeds?"
"Whack" is a term sometimes used by gangsters to mean "murder", and the dark glasses and suits are stereotypical gangster attire. Also, the men each have one hand inside their jackets, as though reaching for guns. The implication is that Mother Goose has somehow managed to hire some gangsters when she meant to hire gardeners.

Comic

Improving Judge Parker

Based on this recent Judge Parker strip.

Beetle Bailey

"Wow!" says Pvt. Bailey as he spots a "kick me" sign on Sgt. Snorkel's back. Following the sign's instruction he proceeds to take a good run-up and strikes the sergeant with his foot. Against all expectations it is Pvt. Bailey who is most hurt in this exchange. In fact, Sgt. Snorkel hardly seems to notice at all.
"Ow!" cries Beetle. "I'll bet he put that sign on himself!"

Comic

Explaining Mutts

Earl and Mooch are walking through a field of giant mushrooms.
"It's been an unusually damp spring." says Earl.
"Yesh." says Mooch.
See, mushrooms enjoy damp environments and so the unseasonably damp weather has caused them to flourish, but this would not actually be sufficient to explain their enormous size as depicted here. Mushrooms just don't get that big, so the casual acceptance of this wholly insufficient explanation is somewhat comical.

Comic

Dustin

Dustin is sitting on the couch shovelling plain spaghetti with no sauce into his mouth.
"Whoa, easy does it, tiger" says Helen.
"I'm carbo-loading for a marathon." says Dustin.
"A marathon?"
"Yep... I plan to finish in four hours."
"I don't know, son, that seems pretty ambitious your first time out. What marathon is it?"
"'Vanderpump Rules.'" says Dustin, picking up the remote control to turn the TV on.

Comic

Improving Hi and Lois

Based on this recent Hi and Lois strip.

Mary Worth

Nervously, Beth approaches Tom's door. She takes a breath and psychs herself up a little before pressing the doorbell. Almost instantly the door is flung open and Tom sticks his head out, wearing an expression of hopeful gormlessness.
"Hello, Tom!" says Beth. "are we ready to do some cooking?"
"I am!" says Tom, eagerly.
"Great! Because get ready..." says Beth, stepping into the flat. "I'm going to show you how!..."
"I can't wait!" says Tom, pressing himself into the wall of the corridor to allow Beth as much room as possible to walk by.

Comic

Hägar the Horrible

"What's the navigator trying to say?" asks Hägar.
"I'm not sure..." replies Lucky Eddie. "...But I guess it's something like... 'we're all doomed!'"
Hägar and his crew are on their boat, which is sitting in a puddle at the top of  cliff.

Comic

Pondering Red and Rover

Red and Rover, 2013-05-05.

I had to read this one a couple of times to get what was happening, because even though the joke relies on the fact that Rover is making puppy-dog eyes at Red in the mirror, Basset has chosen to not draw that at all. And it's not like it's difficult to draw. You pretty much just make the eyes bigger and rounder. But instead, Basset chose to just draw them exactly the same as always, which, come to think of it, doesn't look much like a dog's eyes to begin with.

B.C.

"Maude, what do you want for your birthday?" asks Jake.
"A divorce!" says Maude grimly, before breaking into raucous laughter.
"I wasn't planning on spending that much." says Jake.

Comic

Improving Pluggers

Based on this recent Pluggers panel.

History of Beetle Bailey

Beetle Bailey 2013-05-04

If you're familiar with Beetle Bailey you'll know the character Otto, the humanoid dog. He wears clothes, walks around on his hind legs, has quite distinct hands and feet and rarely does anything particularly doggish. But it wasn't always so. Otto was first introduced as a completely ordinary dog belonging to Sgt Snorkel.

Beetle Bailey 1956-10-09

I'm not sure when he mutated into his present form, but as that recent strip above shows, it apparently wasn't just him, it affected other dogs too. But as you may know, Beetle Bailey is actually brother to Lois Flagston of Hi and Lois, and dogs in that strip are perfectly normal, so it's not every dog in the world, but clearly it's widespread enough that no one around Camp Swampy bats an eye at dogs like Otto (or his admirer) wandering around.

Crock

Three weary legionnaires stand atop a beleaguered fort.
"They're attacking in waves, sir!" says one.
"You know what to do, Burwell.." says his commanding officer. "Wave back!"

The three begin smiling and waving to the enemy below.

Comic

Beetle Bailey

"Sarge is on our weight watchers diet" says Sgt. Jowls.
"How does that work?" asks Sgt. Flap.
"In shifts." says Sgt. Jowls. "We have to watch him 24-7"
Privates Bailey and Diller stand to either side of Sgt. Snorkel, holding their guns on him. Sgt. Snorkel fearfully consumes some peas.

Comic

Improving Judge Parker

Based on this recent Judge Parker strip.

Pondering Blondie

So, the joke here is supposed to be that Dagwood is being a dick, right? That's how I'm reading it. But he was sitting there watching TV and Blondie just came up and started talking over it. Don't do that, Blondie, that's rude. Just because the show's not interesting to you doesn't mean it's not to others. No one likes being interrupted when they're trying to pay attention to something.

Hägar the Horrible

"What's for dinner, Lucky Eddie?" asks Hägar.
"Seafood" says Eddie.
"Why do I keep asking?" wonders Hägar.

Improving Buckles

Based on this recent Buckles strip.

Beetle Bailey

"There's a Sgt. Snorkel in charge of your company" says the mail clerk, "does he have a headquarters?"
"No... but he sure does have a hindquarters!" says Beetle with a big grin.
The mail clerk is speechless.

Comic

Moose and Molly

Moose and Chester are each standing in their own back yard, talking over the fence.
"Chester," says Moose, "may Tabby and Butch have a hot dog if I'm able to impress you?"
"I'm not easily impressed!" snarls Chester.

Moose hurls a baseball at a tree in Chester's yard. It bounces off the tree, hits the barbecue (sending a couple of hot dogs over the fence and into the waiting mouths of Moose's pets) and bounces a further two times before heading neatly into Chester's hand.
"Amazing!" he concedes.

Comic

Pondering Rose is Rose

Rose is Rose, 2013-05-02.

I hate this kid. Actually, I hate this whole comic. It is endlessly, nauseatingly mawkish and cloyingly saccharine. But in particular I hate this kid, Mimi. God she's awful.

Just look at this garbage. "Suhn"? "Grohw"? How are those even supposed to be pronounced? It's worse than Mutts. At a certain point it's not even an attempt at conveying the way small children talk, it's just spelling things wrong.

Even if you're one of those people who finds it cute when children say things wrong, and even if you still appreciated that when it was just a phonetic approximation of that in text, and was written by a grown adult rather than being something a child actually said, surely you must draw the line somewhere? Surely that line is here.

Fred Basset

Three dogs look at each other.
"Sorry —" thinks one. "A bit of a non-event today!"

Comic

Improving Beetle Bailey

Based on this recent Beetle Bailey strip.

Pondering Baby Blues and Between Friends

Between Friends, 2013-05-01.

Baby Blues, 2013-05-01.

The fact that these two strips appeared on the same day isn't actually the staggering coincidence it may appear to be as it's a pretty common theme in both these comics, and not without reason. The problem really is that the underlying message always seems to be "Hey women, if you're over 40 then you look bad and you should feel bad." And this is supposed to be funny?

Between Friends is particularly bad for this as the main characters actually seem to revel in this attitude, resenting younger women for not feeling bad about how they look but taking pleasure in the idea that those women will eventually reach the point where they too suffer from constant guilt and shame about their appearance.

It's not quite as grim as Tom Batiuk's comics where the message is pretty consistently that awful things will happen to you, all happiness is fleeting and life is merely an agonising journey to the grave, but it's in that same direction.

What are we supposed to be laughing at here? I could understand if the joke were "Hey, look at these unreasonable expectations society pushes on women, aren't they ridiculous?" but it seems more like the opposite of that, like we're not supposed to find such expectations ridiculous, the joke is actually at the expense of the comics' main characters. Or that those young people making them feel bad are right, but don't worry, they'll get theirs when they get old and fat and ugly, then we'll see who has the last laugh.

It's no one, no one laughs, because this is terrible.

Beetle Bailey

"You keep saying my hamburgers are dry, tough and tasteless..." says Sgt. Jowls nastily, as he places a hamburger before Sgt. Snorkel. "...well, try this!"
"It's still moving!!" yells Sgt. Snorkel, recoiling in horror as the hamburger leaps of its own volition from the plate.

Comic

Shoe

Shoe is speaking to an incarcerated woman.
"Our readers want to know," he says, "why did you shoot your husband with a crossbow?"
"I didn't want to wake the kids." says the woman.

Comic

Improving Beetle Bailey

Based on this recent Beetle Bailey strip.

Hi and Lois

"Look!" says Ditto, pointing at a black blob hanging from the ceiling. "Trixie's food formed a stalagmite."
"That's a stalactite." says Dot.
"That's a stalagmite." she says, pointing at another blob of the substance on the floor.
"Throwing food is very educational." thinks Trixie, hurling more of the horrifying black goop onto the floor.

Comic

Pondering Crock

For those who don't know, the woman on the left is name Grossie and she is wearing a veil. That's what that's supposed to be. The question though, is why it's drawn that way. It fits snugly to the bottom of her nose instead of hanging down as you'd expect, and even though it looks like it's supposed to be opaque you can see her mouth through it, with the result that it looks as though her mouth is actually on the outside of the veil. Not to mention that her mouth actually seems to be on the side of her face (directly below her eye) instead of at the front like everyone else's. Why? I just don't understand it.

B.C.

B.C. stands at the entrance of a cave looking at some symbols drawn on the walls, remnants of humanity's past, of the time before the fall of civilisation.

Comic

Improving Garfield

Based on this recent Garfield strip.

Apartment 3-G

Later, at MOMA...
"I finally got a glimpse of our elusive governor, Lu Ann." says Margo happily. "And you?"
"Actually," says Lu Ann with a smile, "we had a nice chat about art, Margo."
"So what do you think?" asks Margo, turning serious.
Lu Ann contemplates for a moment.
"He seems like a regular guy, with an extra scoop of charm."

Comic

Pondering Crankshaft

"What's not good?" asks the nurse for no reason other than to set up the punch line, such as it is. But it makes no sense. He's talking about his blood pressure, obviously. You're a healthcare professional performing a test and the patient is asking you about the results, this isn't difficult to figure out.

The Lockhorns

"Yoo-hoo, Leroy..." calls Loretta. "I hope you don't mind me showing up unannounced."
Sadly, Leroy abandons his attempt to climb out of his office window and leap to his death.

Comic

Improving Luann

Based on this recent Luann strip.