2012-12-29

Shoe

Shoe sits at the bar, cigar in hand, half-empty beer in front of him.
"Exactly where is this relationship going?" he demands, glaring.

"We're in a relationship?" asks the bird-woman beside him, glumly.
Shoe sadly switches his cigar to his other hand.

"I just thought you were stalking me." says the bird-woman, matter-of-factly.
Switching his cigar back to his left hand, Shoe leans toward the woman as though about to respond, but says nothing.

Comic

2012-12-20

Andy Capp

Some children have created three snow sculptures of Andy, showing him first standing, then tripping, then lying on the ground. The sculptures show an impressive level of detail and seem to defy gravity.

"Flippin' kids." says Andy, exasperatedly gesturing at these amazing manifestations of skill and commitment.

Comic

2012-12-18

Apartment 3-G

"My parents are in Aruba, Lu Ann." says Margo coldly. "Any other brilliant ideas?"
"So spend some quality time with your new boyfriend, Margo." says Lu Ann.

Margo throws her arms out theatrically in exasperation.
"Like I didn't think of that first!" she says. "Evan is out of town all week!!"

Lu Ann and Tommie exchange knowing smiles for some reason.

Comic

2012-12-16

The "Amazing" Spider-Man

Spider-Man is hanging from the side of a building, clearly visible to anyone who so much as glances his way, his red and blue costume showing vividly against the pale brown of the wall.
"Got to figure out how Kraven plans to steal that diamond tiara!" he thinks as he watches the museum's armoured vehicle arrive.

"No one knows we're only bringing a fake to the casino!" exclaims one of the guards unnecessarily to the other as they carefully carry a small, light-weight box between them.
"- While the real tiara stays at the museum!" he finishes, presumably for the benefit of his fellow guard who already knows this.
"That's it!" thinks Spider-Man, upside-down now for no apparent reason and also somehow behind the truck, where he is completely visible to the guards, who can't be more than a couple of meters away.

Comic

2012-12-14

The Lockhorns

Leroy sits at his desk in a tiny cubicle, separated from all human contact. A noteboard above his desk holds only blank pieces of paper. More blank paper sits on his desk. He hasn't even bothered turning his computer on. No one cares enough about him or his job for him to even bother faking it with any sincerity.

Loretta walks in through the doorway. Leroy turns wordlessly to look at her.
"So..." she says. "This is where the magic happens."

Comic

2012-12-12

Pondering Wizard of Id

In this recent Wizard of Id strip we see Sir Rodney and the Idiot army attacking what we are told is the Huns' capital city. This is interesting for a few reasons. Firstly, the Huns no longer exist and previous strips have referred to modern events (the 2012-09-11 strip shows the wizard remembering the terrorist attacks of 2001-09-11), telling us that the story takes place in the present day, so clearly in the universe in which this takes place, the Huns still exist in the 21st century.

Also interesting is that the 21st century Huns have a capital city at all. In reality, they were nomads. This change is not surprising if they managed to last this long though.

All this does raise another question though. If this comic is set in an alternate version of the present day, what happened to reduce the level of technology so drastically? Is it just Id and surrounding nations or has the whole world plunged into some kind of horrible dark age?

I want to hear that story. Leave behind the tedious jokes about politicians being terrible and... whatever this one is, Jeff, tell us how the world came to be this way!

2012-12-10

Marmaduke

"Aren't you supposed to be holding the ladder?" asks Phil.
He and Marmaduke are both on the roof somehow. He seems to be addressing Marmaduke, suggesting that he entrusted his safety to a large but uncomprehending dog, and even though Phil is closest to the ladder, it seems that Marmaduke has somehow managed to get up past him without him noticing. How did Marmaduke even climb a ladder anyway? This comic raises more questions than it answers.

Comic

2012-12-08

Cow and Boy

"Are you sure?" asks Cow. "It's a ninety-four degree slope."
He and Billy are at the top of a cliff. Billy is sitting on a sled.
"Sometimes in order to experience life, you have to cheat death." says Billy. "Now quit belly-aching and give me a..."

Cow pushes Billy off the cliff.
"PUUUUUSH!!" screams Billy as he plummets to the ground below.

"You want me to rewind the DVR?" asks Cow.
Billy, of course, does not respond.

Comic

2012-12-06

Six Chix

"Sorry to hear about your empty nest syndrome, Sue -" says a large snake to a small bird. "Especially since I have a humongous hankering for eggs right now."

The bird, Sue, is frozen in terror.

Comic

2012-12-04

Beetle Bailey

"Take that!" yells Sgt. Snorkel, delivering a punch powerful enough to lift Pvt. Bailey right off the ground and somehow untie and remove one of his shoes.

"Oh, Beetle!" cries Miss Buxley, as Sgt. Snorkel storms off. "You're all broken!"
"Don't worry." says Pvt. Bailey. "It's a comic strip and I'll be up and around in tomorrow's edition"

Comic

2012-12-02

Apartment 3-G

Monday morning at the agency...

"Hello, darling ~" says Margo, gesticulating with her grossly deformed right hand. "I missed you over the weekend. Is your cold better?"
"What?" asks Evan, smiling. "Not now, Margo."

"Hey, Evan," says Margo, shrugging comically, "I sat in my stupid apartment all weekend waiting to hear from you, so at least be civil!!"
"Quit trying to guilt me, Margo!" yells Evan, petulantly.

Comic

2012-11-30

Fred Basset

Fred walks along the street with his eyes closed. Suddenly he comes to an abrupt halt and opens his eyes.
"This is not good!" he thinks.
Quickly he turns his head to look behind him.
"This is so not good!" he thinks.
Four dogs, grinning malevolently, approach from both sides. He's surrounded, there's nowhere to run. Could this be the end of Fred Basset?

No, of course not, nothing bad will happen, this is Fred Basset.

Comic

2012-11-28

Mary Worth

"Be slow to fall into friendship; but when you are in, continue firm and constant." - Socrates

"We've been doing so well..." says a voice from inside the crazily tilted building.

"As friends." says Dawn sadly.

"Jim's anger doesn't sit well with me." she continues, balancing a plate of some unidentifiable brown substance on her palm.
"You care about him." says Mary, likewise balancing a plate of brown stuff.

"He's my friend." says Dawn, reaching toward Mary.

"Just because I don't want to date him doesn't mean I don't care about him." she continues, weighing an imaginary object in her hand. "I hope he realizes that. And I hope he realizes this has nothing to do with his arm."

"What are you going to do?" asks Mary.
"I'll keep calling and texting him..." says Dawn, thrusting her fork at Mary's face. "I'll keep trying!"

Comic

2012-11-26

Marmaduke

Marmaduke lies on top of his kennel, which is stuffed full of pop-corn to the point that it is overflowing and pouring out of the door and covering the grass in front. Some of it is flying through the air, suggesting that it is still popping.

"I think he popped too much popcorn." remarks one neighbour to another, neither of them seeing anything particularly unusual about any of this.

Comic

2012-11-24

Mandrake the Magician

A shadowy figure walks down a staircase toward a woman whose mouth is taped shut.
"!" says the woman.
"Sorry, lady!" says the man dropping his gun and picking up Lothar with one hand and hurling him across the room. Lothar is dressed as Mandrake for reasons too stupid to explain.

Comic

2012-11-22

Rose is Rose

"That's not true, Jimbo!" says Rose, smiling saccharinely. "Peekaboo doesn't have a 'favourite'!"
"If you say so." says Jimbo, eyes closed as he pretends to read the newspaper.

Peekaboo, allegedly a cat, sits on the opposite end of the couch to Rose and stretches his neck over a distance of at least two meters to rub his head against Rose's. A candy cane, musical note, spinning beach-ball and love heart float above them for no apparent reason.

Comic

2012-11-20

Pondering "On The Fastrack"

Once you take a moment to understand it, this comic seems straight-forward enough. The stuff with the unicorn and the flaming hoop and so on is a metaphor for how confusing the Facebook settings can be, right? Simple.

No.

Wendy is looking over Dethany's shoulder. She's looking right at the screen. And what she thinks she's seeing is an obstacle course. There is no way the Facebook settings page could possibly be mistaken for an obstacle course.

The only possible explanation is that the first four panels show what is actually happening on Dethany's computer screen. This is how they use the internet in this world. Somehow these obstacles literally represent Facebook privacy settings.

How does anyone use websites in this world? And if you did manage to get to whatever you were looking for, how would you even know? Is jumping over a fence code for setting your profile to public? Do other sites work this way? Do you use Google by having your avatar perform circus tricks?

Or maybe Bill Holbrook just has no idea what he's talking about, how the internet works, or how to construct a joke that makes sense.

2012-11-18

Apartment 3-G

Later, as Margo trudges up the stairs...

"Hey Margo -" calls Greg Cooper, "long day?"
"Yes... no... whatever." says Margo happily.
"What's wrong, Margo?" asks Greg. "You look heartbroken. Where's your sparkle and spunk?"
"Oh, shut up, Greg." says Margo with a wry grin.

Comic

2012-11-16

Hazel

"Come and get it!" calls Hazel.
Mr and Mrs Baxter line up with their plates to receive their dinner. Behind them, standing on its hind legs, the dog lines up holding its bowl in its forepaws, an expression of abject sorrow on its face.

Comic

2012-11-14

Marmaduke

Two dog-catchers stand with their big nets watching as Marmaduke, seated beside two little green aliens inside a flying saucer, takes off into the sky.

"Remember when this happened before and headquarters laughed their heads off when we reported it?" asks dog-catcher.

Comic

2012-11-12

The Lockhorns

"Here ..." says Leroy, glumly thrusting a bunch of flowers toward Loretta. "Watch these die."

Loretta seems genuinely happy to receive the flowers, but Leroy doesn't even care. What could have been a moment of shared happiness is lost on him.

Comic

2012-11-11

Bizarro

A group of cheerful doctors and a nurse stand by a patient's bed.
"Once in a while," says a doctor, "this job is just plain fun."

The patient is an extraordinarily hirsute bald man. He does not appear to be happy.

Comic

2012-11-04

Wizard of Id

"Oh, man," says Bung to the bartender, "last night's Halloween party was brutal... just give me a water."
"Ugh..." says a child, "water for me, too..."
"Wait, kid!" says Bung. "You didn't..."
"I must have had twenty Kit Kats" says the child.

Meanwhile, the bartender has served them each a glass of some suspicious yellow liquid in which ice does not float.

Comic

2012-11-02

The Pajama Diaries

"What are you drinking?" asks Rob.
"A mocktail." says Jill, attempting to tip it all over herself. Somehow the liquid stays in the glass, in defiance of all sense and reason.
"Non-alcoholic concoction, huh?" asks Rob, in case anyone in the audience is unfamiliar with the term "mocktail".
"Yup." says Jill, swaying drunkenly.
"Wait --" says Rob, "isn't that grape juice?"
"'Mocktail.'" says Jill. "It's after eight, I'm watching Bravo, and we're out of wine."
Again she attempts to throw the drink all over herself, but the drink remains stubbornly inside the glass in flagrant violation of all known laws of physics.

Comic

2012-10-27

Todd the Dinosaur

Todd and Trent leave a seafood market. Trent is carrying a bag, presumably containing seafood.

Later...

"By the way, Todd," says Trent as Todd stands by the microwave waiting for his food to heat up, "whatever you do, don't ever..."

There is an Earth-shattering "ka-boom".

"...microwave fresh eels" says Trent. The microwave has been mostly destroyed, there is a large hole in the wall, Trent's clothes are damaged and he's covered in soot. Todd is also covered in soot, and somewhat stunned.

Comic

2012-10-25

Crankshaft

Ed gets into his car and prepares to drive. Checking the mirrors, he spots something unusual, and leans over for a closer look. His confusion gives way to fear as he reads the message engraved on the driver's-side mirror: "The end may be closer than it appears."

Comic

2012-10-23

Marmaduke

Marmaduke answers the door to find a woman clutching a briefcase standing there.
"Good morning." says the woman. "Is the monster of the house at..."
Marmaduke narrows his eyes threateningly.
"Lady ... " says the woman, dropping her case in sudden terror. "I said Lady of the house at home?"

Comic

2012-10-13

Crankshaft

"And so entropy and the arrow of time..." says an angry man on television, "will eventually cause the death of all the stars."
"Great!" says Crankshaft angrily. "More bad news."

Comic

2012-10-12

Improving Garfield

Based on this recent Garfield strip.

Beetle Bailey

Gen. Halftrack screams, hurling his fork away and tipping back on his chair.
"What's wrong dear?" asks Mrs Halftrack, looking up from her cooking.
"My breakfast is mad at me!" says the general fearfully, staring at his plate.

Comic

2012-10-09

Marmaduke

Marmaduke sits on a sled on the lawn, staring in horror at something off-panel.

"Somebody's glad the hot weather is over." Phil says to his neighbour.

Comic

2012-10-08

Marmaduke

Marmaduke, wearing an apron and chef's hat, holds a spatula in his mouth and uses it to cook some burgers on his own personal barbecue.

"He's so fussy about his food, I decided to let him cook his own." says Phil.

No one at the barbecue seems to be particularly surprised or impressed at the dog's ability to cook like a human.

Comic

2012-10-07

Garfield

Garfield is wearing flippers, a snorkel and a diving mask.

He stands, not moving, not speaking.

"I'm not making that much gravy" says Jon.
"A cat can hope, can't he?" thinks Garfield.

Comic

2012-10-06

Pondering The Lockhorns

Daily Ink's page on The Lockhorns says that "[The Lockhorns] gently spoofs the state of marital bliss, poking fun at the foibles of both partners" and "Their snappy repartee and witty banter has made them a perennial favorite."

Clearly whoever wrote that was thinking of some other comic.

Wikipedia says that "Leroy and Loretta ... demonstrate their mutual deep-seated hatred by making humorously sarcastic comments" which is quite different from the official line, but still doesn't really resemble the comic I'm familiar with.

I think The Comics Curmudgeon put it best back in 2009: "it's like Leroy and Loretta are in their own private circle of hell, doomed to fight it out for all eternity, with the ghostly shades of the damned watching them in stony silence."

Let's take this strip from a couple of days ago. I think we can dismiss outright the notion that this is a gentle spoof or contains anything resembling "snappy repartee" or "witty banter". But I'm also not seeing the deep-seated hatred or even humorous sarcasm.

Leroy's not saying that in a mean way, he's not getting any satisfaction out of insulting Loretta. He doesn't even seem to be aware that what he said could be taken as an insult. And Loretta doesn't seem to have taken it as such. Leroy's just giving his honest opinion.

They just don't care. Look at them. Why are they even at the bowling alley? They're clearly not having fun, they don't enjoy each other's company. They seem to be wearing uniforms, but if this is a tournament, where are the other players?

In fact, I'm starting to wonder if the bowling alley is even open for business. Presumably the damage to the door was caused just now by Loretta, but the furniture and decorations are in obvious disarray, and if there were staff present you'd expect some kind of reaction to the place being messed up like that. And that picture frame on the wall is empty.

The Lockhorns have broken into an abandoned bowling alley together, even though they clearly don't want to be there and would obviously rather be with anyone else. This is just one more way to pass the time. It won't make them less miserable, but nothing ever does.

So why not break into a bowling alley? The consequences can't possible be worse than what they're already suffering, and at least this is a change of scenery.

2012-10-05

Mark Trail

Cherry and Andy catch up with the poachers and are trying to block their escape

"Get 'em, Andy!" yells Cherry, giving the poachers plenty of time to notice them as Andy is still several meters from the nearest of the two, and appears to be more concerned with chasing the Jackelrod than bothering the poachers.

One of the poachers is so shocked that he shifts his rifle from his right hand to his left as he turns around.
"What th'?..." he asks, throwing his rifle away for some reason as Andy playfully jumps near him.

Comic

2012-10-03

Beetle Bailey

"Who did that?" Sgt. Snorkel asks angrily, about the picture someone has drawn of him with horn, a pig's nose and a fang.
"I don't know" says Cpl. Yo, "...but if that's his thumbprint I wouldn't confront him"
It is now revealed that beside the picture of Sgt. Snorkel is a gigantic thumbprint, roughly half a meter in height. Snorkel now appears to notice the print for the first time. How it escaped his notice up to this point, like the identity of the print's creator, remains a mystery.

Comic

2012-10-02

Arlo and Janis

30 days hath September...

Arlo looks at a calendar.

April, June and November...

Arlo tears out the page for September and scrunches it up.

All the rest have thirty-one, Excepting February, but wait...

A snowman stands at the horizon at night.

Don't they all have twenty-eight?

Arlo hurls the paper ball at a rubbish bin and misses. He grimaces, spasms and falls down.

Comic

Improving Garfield

Based on this recent Garfield strip.

2012-10-01

Crankshaft

Ed walks into his garage, takes the leaf-blower, walks out into the middle of the newly-mowed and immaculate lawn and starts it up.

A torrent of yellow leaves fly from the leaf-blower, scattering across the lawn.

Comic

2012-09-30

Marmaduke

The two children sit on the couch, watching TV. Marmaduke has snuck up behind the couch and now rises up, forelimbs flailing, gaping maw revealing four pointed fangs.

"Forget it, Marmaduke." says the girl boredly, "You are not a vampire."

Comic

2012-09-29

Marvin

"Waaaaaaaaaaaa" screams Marvin, no doubt terrified by the featureless white void in which he finds himself.

"Thank god for my iPod." thinks the dog. Although what benefit it gets from the iPod is a mystery as the earbuds are clearly not in its ears. They're just sort of stuck to the side of its head somehow. The iPod itself is suspended in mid-air in front of the dog.

This is indeed a disturbing universe.

Comic

2012-09-28

Mary Worth

A few days later, Mary drops by the Weston apartment.

"I'm sorry I haven't been available lately, Dawn!" she says, handing Dawn a perfectly white pie that leaves a trail of white vapour. "I've been so busy!"

"It's all right." says Dawn, taking the mysterious pie. "I've been busy, too!"

"How do you like volunteer duty at the hospital?" asks Mary, grinning like an idiot.
"It's great!" says Dawn, smiling blissfully at the pie. "I met someone amazing! His name is Jim and he's getting physical therapy there!"

Comic

Improving Blondie

Just imagining what Blondie might be like if it were more like Kevin & Kell.

2012-09-27

Meaning of Lila

"I'm surprised and disappointed to see your email." says Mr Payne.
"My email?" asks Lorraine, indifferently.
"Admitting that you stole Drew's point-of-sale idea." says Mr Payne, boredly.
"I did?" asks Lorraine.
"While I appreciate your admission of guilt, I must terminate your employment." says Mr Payne.
Lorraine doesn't respond. She clearly doesn't give a shit.

"Our webcams are in reverse." says Boyd. "We can see Mr. Payne." he clarifies, probably because that first thing he said was gibberish. Also, we can clearly see that there is no camera on Mr Payne's computer, so how this is supposed to be happening is a mystery.
"And he just fired Lorraine!" says Lila, unaware that no one is paying attention to that any more because we're all distracted by the whole "reversed webcams" issue.

Comic

2012-09-26

Family Circus

Billy walks into the house with a black eye, covered in dirt and bruises, with a bandaid on his cheek and another on his wrist. His clothes are ragged and torn and he's carrying one shoe. His knuckles are covered in some unidentified grime and sweat rolls down his face.

"I think my guardian angel took the day off." he says, understating the situation rather dramatically.

Comic

2012-09-23

Bliss

A man in his underwear is sitting on a bench next to a dog. A man in a lab coat with a stethoscope and clipboard asks "OK, so which one of you is Mr Weinberger?" Is the man a doctor or a vet? If he's a doctor, what's the dog doing there? If he's a vet, why is the dog's owner in his underwear. Either way, shouldn't he already know which patient he's there to see? What is this empty white void behind the characters? Are they in a plain white room with no adornments? What sort of vet or doctor's surgery looks like that? Maybe this is all a dream that the man in his underwear is having? This comic is an enigma.

Comic

2012-09-22

Herb and Jamaal

"I can't believe it!" says a customer to Herb. "I've passed this place for years and never knew it was owned by a n~..."
At this point, Herb interrupts by punching the man in the face.
Despite being knocked to the ground by the blow, the customer manages to finish the word "...eighbour..."
"I'm sorry..." says Herb, "it's just a reflex-action I have whenever I hear any word beginning with 'N.'"
This is obviously a lie, because Herb has never reacted this way before, so I guess he just really wanted an excuse to punch that guy for some reason.

Comic

2012-09-21

Bliss

A man has constructed a life-sized woman out of lemons.
"I was going to make lemonade," he tells his friends, "but I was more lonely than thirsty."

Comic

Pondering Blondie

Back on the 16th there was a particular Blondie strip that got me wondering about Dagwood and what it is that he actually does.

Here Dithers assigns him a "major account" and which Dagwood must come up with a "proposal" in order to secure this "account". These all sound like sort of vaguely businessy things, but  what does it actually mean? What does this company actually do?

Today the mystery deepened when it was revealed that Dagwood is actually the office manager.
I'm confused. Why would the office manager be asked to "nab" new accounts? Is an office manager not what I think it is? And what does this company do? Does anyone know?

2012-09-19

Crankshaft

Jeff and Pam are standing in a pitch black void looking through the contents of some cardboard boxes.
"Just look at all the boxes of stuff that Max has stored up here." says Pam, dejectedly. "CDs... DVDs... floppy DVDs..."
Jeff looks concerned, but says nothing.

Comic

2012-09-18

Improving Mark Trail

Based on this recent Mark Trail strip.

Ginger Meggs

Ginger and Benny are sitting in a billycart. It's night time.
"This is so exciting!" says Ginger. "The first ride down Deadman's Hill in our new billycart!"

Suddenly it's daytime.

"It kind of has that 'new kart smell'" says Ginger.
Benny looks shocked. "Oh, that's probably this." he says, holding aloft a whole, uncooked fish. "Sorry... I thought I might get hungry."

Comic

2012-09-17

Hi and Lois

"I think I just blew a fuse." says Lois, pointing at the blender.
"I'll show you how to reset it." says Hi, patronisingly. Because women don't understand complicated things like electricity or fuses, right?

"Flip the switch." says Hi, obviously disappointed to learn that his house has safety switches instead of fuses.
"If I get electrocuted it's your fault." says Lois, crossing her fingers and preparing to flip the safety switch back on. Because apparently women don't understand complicated things like electricity or switches, I guess?

Comic

2012-09-13

Mark Trail

As Rusty runs from the poachers he carelessly trips over an old log, probably overbalanced by the weight of his enormous head. As he falls, he hurls SASSY! ahead of him, the LITTLE DOG flying through the air in terror.

"We can't let him get away! Come on!" calls one poacher to the other as they stumble and flail awkwardly along in the wrong direction.

Comic

2012-09-12

Bound and Gagged

A fat man sits on a chair watching a woman hold a broom.
"These cobwebs are ridiculous." says the woman.
The caption informs us that one of these people is "Spider-man's housekeeper". Does this scene take place in Peter Parker's flat? If so, why is there someone there watching the housekeeper? Where are Peter and MJ, and do they know these people are in their house? Honestly, this seems awfully suspicious.

Comic

2012-09-11

Marmaduke

Marmaduke sits at the table, waiting eagerly as Dottie sticks some dog-biscuits into a bowl of ice-cream. Phil looks on in horror, spoon poised halfway between his own bowl of ice-cream and his mouth.
"Now you're really spoiling him." he says.
In fact, it's a pretty bad idea to feed ice-cream to fully grown dogs as they are, like most adult mammals, lactose intolerant.

Comic

2012-09-10

Crankshaft

"Let me tell you how I want the grass cut." says the grumpy old man to the surly teen.
"I just push this back and forth until it's all short, right?" asks the boy, pointing to the lawnmower.
"Sit!" orders the man, patting the seat beside him. "This may take a while."

Comic

2012-09-09

Spiderman

"Did you really think a few hoops would stop me?" asks Spiderman, looking in completely the wrong direction.
"Just wanted to slow you down for a second." says Clown 9, "- so I could blend into my surroundings!"
"Diving into a gaggle of clowns won't save you!" says Spiderman, noticing that all the other clowns are dressed entirely in purple and therefore make for a terrible hiding place.
"Don't be too sure!" says Clown 9, who is apparently colourblind.

Comic

2012-09-08

Mary Worth

"Please think about volunteering at the hospital, Dawn!" says Mary, steadfastly refusing to acknowledge that Dawn has shaved her eyebrows off mid-conversation.
"It seems to work well for you, Mary." says Dawn, pretending to weigh unspecified objects in her hands. "But I don't know if it would work for me!"
"You can try it out!" says Mary, completely ignoring Dawn's miraculous ability to regrow her eyebrows in a matter of seconds. "If nothing else, it will open your eyes to other kinds of people!"

Comic

2012-09-07

Improving Garfield

Based on this recent Garfield strip.

Spiderman

Spiderman has just webbed an elephant that was slowly wandering towards him.
"When my webbing melts, Babar, you'll be as good as new." he says, standing comfortably on an ankle that was, mere moments earlier, sprained too painfully to stand on.
"Which is more than you'll be able to say!" calls Clown 9. "Party time's over!" he says for no apparent reason as he throws half a dozen hula hoops over Spiderman's head.
"That creep just won't give up!" thinks Spiderman, not even wondering how an ordinary human with no super-powers was so easily able to humiliate him. He's just come to expect that, as have we all.

Comic

2012-09-06

Bizarro

A mother takes her children to see the frozen corpse of Walt Disney. "This isn't what I expected when I bought the tickets." she says.

Comic

2012-09-05

Garfield

"They say someday pets might be replaced by robots" says Jon, disinterestedly reading the paper. Garfield doesn't react, so Jon leaves.

Suddenly a second Garfield appears on the scene, eating a sandwich.

"Did he notice?" thinks the new Garfield.
"No" replies the first, mechanically.

Comic

2012-09-04

The Lockhorns

Leroy sits hunched at the window, holding a tablet computer. "We may not be able to keep  up with the Joneses, " he says, "but I can steal their wifi."

He takes no joy in this petty act of rebellion, and Loretta neither condones nor condemns him. She just doesn't care. Neither of them do. They don't even remember what it is to care, about anything or anyone.

Comic

2012-09-02

Retail

"Yes!" exclaims a customer, holding a box in one hand and his phone in the other.
"I just found this product $3.00 cheaper online!" he continues, carefully avoiding identifying the product in any way and making sure to specify that it is three dollars and zero cents exactly. The staff watch him in confusion.

"Ha ha ha ha!" he yells, flexing. "You lose, pathetic brick-and-mortar relic of the old world! The internet has freed me from the bloated bottom line of your antiquated business model!"
The staff watch him in silence.

Suddenly his phone goes "ding" and he swivels his head to stare at it, holding his arm out beside him and his elbow at 90 degrees.

"$6.00 for shipping?!" he exclaims in sudden rage, still carefully making note of the fact that the price is an exact number of dollars with no cents. The staff lose interest and wander off.

Comic

2012-09-01

Improving Garfield

Based on this recent Garfield strip.

The Lockhorns

Leroy and Loretta are sitting in a café. A waitress is standing by their table.

"Leroy got paid today..." says Loretta, with malicious joy, "throw some cheese on that burger."

Leroy glowers across the table at her. The waitress takes the order, filled with the soul-crushing fatigue felt by all those who come into contact with the Lockhorns.

Comic

Zits

"... so then you can just go to image > pixel aspect ratio > custom pixel aspect ratio, then..." rambles Jeremy nonsensically, effortlessly pronouncing two greater-than symbols.

A deer with Walt's face stands beside a road, staring blankly at the reader, its antlers like two grasping hands raised to the sky.

"You're getting that look again." says Jeremy.
"What look?" asks Walt.

Comic

2012-08-29

Garfield

"Here you go!" says Jon, dropping a piece of meat so burned that it has transformed into a solid black lump onto Liz's plate. "Hot off the grill!"
"I wouldn't feed this to a dog" says Liz with contempt.
"I would" thinks Garfield, doing just that.
Liz appears shocked by this development.

Comic

Apartment 3-G

"Do you have a minute, Margo?" Asks Evan, barging into the office.
"I'm with a client, Evan." Says Margo.
"Oops, sorry, I'm leaving!" says Evan.

Evan makes a quick exit and...

"Who was that - Jimmy Olsen?" Asks Greg for no apparent reason.
Margo chuckles, even though nothing funny happened.
"Ah-ha," says Greg, "so the lady can laugh!"
Margo smirks.

Comic

2012-08-26

Archie

"Your fuel gauge is broken." says the mechanic.
"I know." says Archie.
"You want me to fix it?" asks the mechanic.
"No thanks." says Archie cheerfully.

Later, Archie is in the car with Veronica.
"Oh, look!" says Archie with a smile. "We're out of gas!"

In the pitch black sky above them, the moon silently explodes.

Comic

2012-08-25

Condorito

"Someday I'll go to Europe!" says the horrifying bird-child.
"You'll need a lot of money for that!" exclaims the pale bald boy jubilantly.
"Fine, I wish I had a million dollars like my uncle!" says the bird-child.
"Your uncle has a million dollars?" asks the boy.
"No," says the bird-child, "he wishes too!"
The boy throws himself violently to the ground.

Comic

2012-08-24

Bleeker the Rechargeable Dog

"Looks like the Smiths are having a yard sale" says Karl conversationally.
"Yeah," says Bleeker, "lots of old gadgets and junk"
A horrifying realisation strikes Karl. "That'll be us someday" he says.
Bleeker groans. "Karl, don't start with that!"
"...What?" says Karl angrily. "It's just a matter of time"
Bleeker rolls his eyes.
"We're havin' a yard sale?!" asks Refurb. Poor, stupid Refurb. He'll be the first to go.

Comic

Twitter!

Have you ever found yourself thinking "I really like comics, but I just don't have the time for them!"? If so, this is the solution you've been waiting for! Comics for the Blind has come to Twitter!

You can now get the comics you love in 140 characters or less, from the convenience of your own computer/phone/other!

Just add @blindcomics to your Twitter and you'll receive up to the minute updates (whenever I happen to make them) so you can enjoy your comics the convenient way!


2012-08-23

Gil

"Why is there a stick in the living room?" asks Cheryl, looking at the absolutely fantastic stick on the floor.
"Sorry." says Gil. "I'll put it in my room."
"Why don't you take it outside?" asks Cheryl.
Gil picks up the awesome stick. "I can't leave the Excalibur of sticks outside!" he says, entirely reasonably. "Some kid might steal it!"
"Silly me." says Cheryl, sarcastically, blind to the manifest excellence of the stick. "We wouldn't want it to fall into the wrong hands."
"Really, it should in a glass display case bathed in a shaft of light." says Gil. And he is right to say it.

Comic

2012-08-22

Shoe

Cosmo is listlessly watching television, remote control in hand.
"What your hair needs is a touch of gray." says the television.
Cosmo slumps in his chair, his eyes wide with shock.
"What my head needs is a touch of hair." thinks the anthropomorphic bird whose body is entirely covered in feathers.

Comic

2012-08-21

Animal Crackers

"Service unavailable." thinks a tiger, staring at his mobile phone. "I'm screwed."

Moments later he is brutally torn apart and eaten by several crocodiles.

Comic

2012-08-20

Apartment 3-G

Margo opens her office door and...

"Mr. Cooper??" asks Margo.
"Call me Greg." says the completely ordinary-looking man who is already inside Margo's office somehow.

As Margo stares...

"Holy what-the-heck! That is one gorgeous man!" thinks Margo, staring vacantly.

"Are you OK?" asks Greg, with a grin.
"What?" asks Margo. "Oh, it's nothing. I was just expecting your manager."

Comic

2012-08-19

Mary Worth

"Wilbur said physically they are all right, except for some bumps and bruises!..." says Mary, in distress.
Toby and Ian listen with disgust.

"But of course it's a shock to go through that!... Fighting for survival on a sinking ship!" continues Mary.
Ian smirks.
"How's Dawn?" asks Toby, bringing her hand up to her face to suppress her laughter.

Comic

2012-08-18

Hi and Lois

"Mom! The waves are splashing us!" calls a voice from offscreen.
"Move back." says Lois, indifferently.
"But how are we supposed to swim..." says Dot.
"if we're standing on the beach?" ask Ditto.
The two of them stand ankle-deep in the water. The beach is otherwise deserted, due, no doubt, to the oil spill. Lois doesn't answer them, she can't even pretend to care.

Comic

2012-08-17

Hazel

"By, Hazel, I'm running away from home." says Harold. "Taking only the necessities."
Over his shoulder he holds a stick with a comic book attached to it with string and behind him walks the dog, pulling two carts (on which sits some kind of flying saucer) by means of some contraption that defies description and mocks all sense of scale and perspective.

Comic

2012-08-16

The Amazing Spider-Man

"If I battle Hardy Laurel at the circus -" says Peter, getting his costume from a coat-hanger in his wardrobe, "someone in the audience might get hurt!"
"How can you prevent that, honey?" asks MJ, idly glancing up from the circus flier she's reading.
"It won't be easy .." says Peter, holding open the neck of his costume to peer at his own chest, "but I have a plan!"
"?" says MJ.

Comic

2012-08-15

Apartment 3-G

Meanwhile, across town...

"Hi, Aunt Cathy," says Evan, holding his mobile phone awkwardly with just the tips of his fingers, "it's my first day on the job and I couldn't have landed it without your help."
"That's sweet, Evan," says Cathy, holding her mobile phone in front of her mouth like  microphone, "but I didn't do anything important."
"We both know that's not true." says Evan, holding his phone a good few inches from his face.
"Whatever. I have a busy day - gotta run." says Cathy, hanging up on him.

Comic

2012-08-14

Sam and Silo

"When will that light turn green?" asks Sam, staring at the traffic light in front of him. "It's been red a long time!"
The green and yellow lights are both on, the red is off.
"Ah, there it goes" says Sam as the green light begins to glow even brighter. The red remains off and the yellow remains on.
"Aren't you going to cross?" asks Silo.
"Nah," says Sam, "there's nothing over there"

Comic

2012-08-13

The Amazing Spider-Man

"All this bling - " cries Clown 9, throwing a purse, a wallet, some loose cash and an assortment of necklaces and rings into the air.
"And I made a fool out of Spider-Man as well!" he says, laughing.
"But next time I'll finish him off!" he says clenching his fist and grimacing. "And then I'll trash that Broadway play that booted me out!"

Comic

2012-08-05

Improving Mary Worth

Based on the current Mary Worth story and a Phantom story from 2010.

2012-08-04

Shoe

Shoe and his girlfriend are sitting together at an ice-cream shop. Shoe looks wistfully across the table at her and says "Really, I want you to be happy."
"Okay." she says dully. "I'm dumping you for another guy."
"Not that happy." says Shoe resignedly.
She just stares back at him, saying nothing.

Comic

2012-08-03

Henry

Henry strides aggressively towards a boy in a green windcheater, balancing a grey brick on his arm. The other boy glares at him. Henry puts his hands on his hips and glares back. The boy grins nastily and begins removing his windcheater.

Henry throws up his arms in panic, dislodging the brick. Thinking quickly he grabs the now loose sleeves of the other boy's windcheater and ties them together, trapping him inside the garment, before strolling off, wiping the sweat from the back of his head with a red handkerchief.

Comic

Condorito

A slim, large-breasted woman perches awkwardly on a chair, staring vacantly across a desk at Condorito, a monstrous bird-man in a blue shirt who is stumbling into the desk and barely holding onto an apparently blank piece of paper.

"Doctor, do you think I'll get better?" asks the woman.
"It's hard to see how you could, precious." replies Condorito.

Comic

2012-08-02

The Lockhorns

Loretta glares at Leroy as they leave a theatre where Romeo and Juliette is playing.
"Where's the tragedy?" asks Leroy resignedly, trudging glumly along at her side. "They quit while they were ahead."
The other patrons leaving the theatre behind them seem to be the latest victims of the Lockhorns' ability to drain all happiness from every place they go.

Comic

2012-08-01

Gil Thorpe

"Golf's not for me, Molly." says Steve, staring blindly past her. "But... um, you maybe want to go out sometime?"
Molly's pupils and irises disappear, leaving her eyes completely white.
"Sorry, Steve." she says. "I don't think so."
"Oh, OK." says Steve, glancing surreptitiously at her breasts and doing a karate chop in the air. "I get it."
"No," she replies gleefully, thrusting her hand out and pointing, "I don't think you do!"

Comic

2012-07-28

Dennis the Menace

"I'm not myself today." says Mr Wilson, walking into the kitchen in his dressing gown, paper in hand. Mrs Wilson looks up from pouring a cup of coffee.
"Well, enjoy it while you can." she says with a smirk. Mr Wilson sips his coffee, silently glaring daggers at her.

Comic

2012-07-27

Blondie

Dogwood and his carpool friends are sitting in the car. Dagwood has his briefcase on his knees.
The driver turns to Dogwood and says "Today is national chili dog day and you never said one word! I gotcha! Ha! Ha! Ha!"
The woman, sitting behind Dagwood, is amazed at this revelation. The man sitting behind the driver is just cheerful.

Dagwood opens his briefcase to reveal ten hotdogs, individually wrapped in paper and carefully secured inside the case.
"I got these babies at my favorite hot dog stand and they should last me all week!" he says.
The driver is horrified. The other man is shocked. The woman is enraged.

Dagwood gets out of the car, greets Blondie with a kiss and begins walking away.
"Well, c'mon!" says the woman. "Who'd you think you were dealing with?!"
"Really...!" says the male passenger.
"Happy chili dog day, dear!" says Blondie.

Comic

2012-07-26

Apartment 3-G

"So. does baby girl Gaines have a name yet, Tommie?" asks Margo, gesticulating wildly and staring at the wall, refusing to look at Tommie while speaking to her.
"Brace yourself, Margo." says Tommie, looking annoyed. "Nina named her Abigail Ann."
"Abigail as in Abigail 'Tommie' Thompson??" asks Margo disgustedly, continuing to wave one hand about, the other now on her hip.
"I know!" says Tommie, blankly staring at the other side of the room. "How amazing is that?!!"

Comic

2012-07-25

Pluggers

A half-human, half-dog creature wearing clothes sits under a tree holding a pencil and some paper in its malformed hands. "Dear Pen Pal," it writes.

"Pluggers have had 'friends' long before Facebook."

2012-07-24

Pardon My Planet

A morose woman holds up a long "to-do list" wihh every item checked off. A worried man sits on an armchair in front of her, holding a drink in one hand and a small towel in the other. Some sort of liquid droplets are flying in all directions from his head.

"I see you only did the things I wrote on the list." says the woman listlessly.

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