Beetle Bailey

"I haven't had a vacation for a year. I need a break!" says Beetle.

"I have to think about it" says Sarge, going over some papers on his desk and clearly not paying attention.

In the next panel, Beetle has returned dressed in a straw hat, pink sunglasses, flower necklace, grass skirt and pink anklets. "Does this help?" he asks.

Sarge does not know how to react to this development.



Rex Morgan MD

"Good morning!" says Becka, cheerfully.

"That's debatable!" says Rex, without bothering to look at her or return the greeting.

"I see we have our smiley face on today!" says Becka. "I cleared your schedule after lunch! Did Iris get in last night?"

"Yes, she ended up staying with us!" replies Rex, continuing to walk away.

"What's she like?" asks Becka, following him into his office.

"Nice, but bitter and hot-headed ...hates Mabel!" says Rex, glaring at her.

"I also think she has a drinking problem!" he continues as he hangs up his jacket, watching Becka out of the corner of his eye.


"I have some laundry to do down in the basement! Can I get you anything?" asks June, still in her bathrobe.

"I'm good, June!" replies Iris, similarly attired, holding her father's book in one hand and a mug (Irish coffee?) in the other. "I have everything I need right here.... thanks!"


Improving Judge Parker

Based on this recent Judge Parker strip, and Peter Parker's eternal paranoia.



"I learned something very important today" thinks Marvin, a look of surprise on his face.

"Mom's 'do what I tell you to do' list trumps my 'to don't' list" he thinks, now standing angrily in the corner of the room, holding something white, maybe a piece of paper.




Leroy and an unnamed man gaze listlessly at a portrait of a frowning, grey-haired person wearing absurdly tiny pince-nez

"This is the founder of Loretta's nagging franchise." says Leroy to his utterly indifferent companion. Or perhaps just to himself.

In the background Loretta stands silently with an unnamed woman, dejected and defeated. Once again the Lockhorns are inflicting their eternal misery on others, dragging these random strangers down into the depths of depression in which they perpetually live and ruining the event for everyone.



Tina's Groove

"Mike is great, but I think he's a little too laid-back for me..." says Tina, pressing a button on a machine of some kind, a look of hopeless resignation on her face. Her coworker looks on angrily.

Flashback to Tina talking to Mike as he lies on a bed. He is wearing a t-shirt, underwear, and for some reason, socks.

"Aren't you gonna talk to your landlord about your eviction notice?" asks Tina, sadly.

"Of course." says Mike. "I wanna ask him where he got this cool font."

Returning to the present, Tina's colleague speaks up. "So when are you gonna evict him from your place?"

Either ignoring or simply not hearing the question, Tina examines the paper she's just printed out (the machine was a printer, I guess).

"I hope he likes this font..." she says, morosely.


Improving Apartment 3G

Based on these recent Apartment 3G strips.


Mary Worth

"Gina left Santa Royale in an instant last year! After she reunited with Bobby, she was on her way with him!" thinks Mary, staring out the window at Gina's disembodied head, which is floating in the clouds outside the aeroplane.

Beside her sits Dr Jeff's long-lost identical twin brother (or doppelganger/clone/robot duplicate).

"And now they're giving a party to make a 'special announcement'! It must be their engagement!" thinks Mary, holding her hand to her cheek and looking bored. Gina's head is no longer present.


Family Circus

"Am I leading, or are you?" asks Jeffy as Thel swings him wildly through the air. She is holding one of her legs out sideways and is clearly off balance. Only two options are open to her: To hurl Jeffy into the wall or to be pulled off her feet by his weight and momentum, slamming him into the floor.

An old-fashioned looking stereo plays in the background.



Improving Luann

Based on these recent Luann strips.

Moose and Molly

Knock knock
"Come in!"
The dog shows no interest in either the knocking or the invitation.

"Honey, Ziggy Wilson is here to show you his latest invention!" says Molly.

"Okay, babe, tell him to have a seat!" says Moose, looking up from his newspaper with a smile. From behind his chair the cat watches a mouse.

"He doesn't need one !" says Molly, as Ziggy floats into the room sideways, his new invention keeping him suspended in a sitting position in midair. An arc of electricity connects the antenna on the box in his hands to the antenna on his hat. Judging by his expression it's also making him really happy, or he's having some sort of seizure.




An big, fat man is playing tennis with what appears to be a smaller fat man. The bigger man is glaring angrily at the shredded remains of what was once the tennis ball, lying in a rough pile beside him.

"Why don't you take about twenty-five percent off that swing?" his opponent suggests.



Apartment 3G

Meanwhile, on the city streets...

"I can't wait, Tommie. It's been eons since I cooked for Scott." says Nina, leaning backwards for some reason.

"Let me help, Nina." says Tommie, despite the fact that she is already carrying the shopping. Also, her face is really fat in this panel.

"It's not a sign of weakness." she says, her face returning to normal, as Nina smirks wordlessly at her.

At Scott's place, the toasting continues...

"Here's to Nina, the most wonderful woman in the world!" says Scott, raising his tiny, inexplicably rectangular wine glass.

"I'll drink to that, Scott." says Margo, holding her equally tiny wine glass in her tiny hand.

"And here's to Nina's mother. She died so young and tragically, Margo." says Scott, looking like he's trying not to fart.

Margo grins vacantly at this mention of tragedy. Or perhaps just at Scott's expression.

"Nina has never spoken of it." says Scott as the wall behind him turns blue. "Her father told me the whole story."

Margo seems skeptical. The wall goes green.

Meanwhile, in Nina's kitchen...

"I hear voices, Nina." says Tommie, glaring angrily offscreen.

"Let's take a peek, Tommie." says Nina, who appears to have taken the time to apply some eyeliner since entering the house.




Dagwood sits on a bench, watching Blondie approach.

"Sit tight honey... I'm going to make one more lap through the mall to make sure I didn't miss anything" she says as she arrives with the items she has already purchased.

"But you already lapped the mall three times" says Dagwood, perplexedly. "The odds are you would only be wasting your time"

"You may be right, dear" says Blondie, standing at an odd angle before him, "but that's just a chance I'll have to take"

She deposits her purchases on the seat beside Dagwood and hurries off, leaving him to stare in confusion at nothing in particular, one arm held awkwardly behind his back for no apparent reason.



Hägar the Horrible


With a mighty bound, Hägar leaps over his terrified dog.


The force of Hägar's landing sloshes some water from the wine glass on the table in front of him. With a grin he takes his seat and surveys the meal of indeterminate beige lumps before him.

"With his sense of smell..." Helga says to no one in particular, as she stares off into space, while behind her Hägar greedily devours the food, "...I never have to say 'Dinner is served'!!"

Is this a source of pride or vexation for Helga? Her expression seems neutral, perhaps it is just a fact that she feels compelled to announce to the world at large, of no particular importance.




"I don't feel well!" remarks one ant to another.
"You should visit the vet!" his companion replies.

Later, a duck and a frog are waiting in the vet's waiting room. The vet (identifiable by one of those "doctor disc" things on his forehead), who is also a duck, calls out "Next!"

The duck (the patient, not the vet) gets up, revealing that he has been sitting on an ant, presumably the same ant who was previously feeling unwell. He has been squashed flat, but the wiggly line coming from him and his open eyes indicate that he is still alive, and suffering greatly. The frog looks down at him with a mixture of disgust and pity, but makes no attempt to help in any way.



Earl Houndstooth is on his new ride-on lawnmower. Smiling with the satisfaction of his newfound resolve. Today this lawn will darn well get cut. With his old mower it was a chore, but with this new one it's different. Even with petrol more expensive than ever and his ever-increasing medical bills, this was money well spent. There may be plenty of things Earl doesn't understand and can't control, but his lawn will no longer be one of them.

"You're a plugger if you paid more for your new lawnmower than for your first car."



Slylock Fox

"Open up, police!"

Cassandra Cat hastily throws on a robe and opens the door. Max Mouse flies through on a skateboard, followed by Slylock Fox.

"Citizens reported prank phone calls coming from your home earlier this evening, Cassandra." says Slylock.

Used to the oppressive nature of the police and their endless persecution, Cassandra does her best to hide her irritation. "I wasn't home earlier this evening. I just arrived a few minutes ago, lit scented candles, and started water for a bubble bath."

She's hoping to distract the fox, maybe he'll leave her alone this time. But Max carelessly skates around, knocking a burning candle onto the carpet and the chance is lost.

"Aha!" cries Slylock. "A significant amount of liquid wax has spilled. There wouldn't be that much melted wax if you'd lit that candle a few minutes ago."

Cassandra sighs as Max ineptly tries to put out the rapidly spreading flames. Another night in jail on trumped up charges and yet more property damage thanks to the fox's irrational vendetta.


Family Circus

"You cleaned my room" laments Billy, his arms spread, a look of helpless woe on his big round face, "and now I can't find anything!"

Thel looks down at her firstborn son, her eyes glazed, her expression blank, her bizarrely tiny arm held before her like a T-Rex. She says nothing. She is dead inside.



Arlo and Janis

Arlo and Janis are behind an amorphous pink blob, their heads turned to face each other.

"Come on! Watch it with me!" says Janis, her bizarrely elongated mouth making her look like an anthropomorphic dog, although she is not.
"No..." replies Arlo, despite lacking a mouth with which to speak.

The camera pans down slightly, showing us a little more of the pink thing, revealing nothing new about its nature or composition.

"It's very popular! Critics love it!" continues Janis.
"It's a matter of principle." Arlo's mouth has appeared now, drawing further attention to its absence in panel one.

Close up on the now visibly angry Arlo. "I see enough advertising!"

"I refuse to watch a show about people who make advertising!" says Arlo, casually wandering off. Janis, meanwhile, has lost interest and is looking at something else. Her mouth has now disappeared.

The pink blob was a couch, they were sitting on it.


Love Is...

"...when he loses his Taurean self-control."

A naked boy sexually assaults a naked girl. Hearts and crosses dance about their heads in cruel mockery of her helpless struggles.




"The only thing that's wrong is that you won't stop asking me what's wrong." says Leroy, staring with undisguised loathing at Loretta. He sits on a blue recliner, not even bothering to pretend to read the obviously blank newspaper he holds.

Across the room sits Loretta, her hands hanging limply, her face a picture of resigned depression. She has no response.



Mary Worth

In the first panel, the narration informs us that several weeks have passed since the previous strip, and Nola is now telling Mary about (not very) recent events.

"When that homeless man approached me!" exclaims Nola, as she stares with vacant eyes into the distance. "I couldn't believe it! A man who lived on the streets..."

Nola and Mary sit at a table. Mary is drinking tea, a shocked expression on her face. Nola's cup sits untouched on the table, her eyes are now downcast as she remembers.

We now see a flashback, Nola in the park, the homeless man (who bears a striking resemblance to Ian Cameron) holding his hand up in front of himself for some reason, as Nola clutches at her face.

"Who didn't have a dime to his name..." continues Nola, to Mary. "Wanted to see if I was Okay!"

Back in the presence, an extreme closeup shows Nola's eyes, now wide open, on an angle.

"Someone like him was concerned about someone like me who has it all!"

"Or at least I thought I did!" Marys cup hovers unmoved in front of her face, she and Nola shown yellow against the blue background of the room, as though to emphasise... something.

"When those two incidents happened... one after another... something shifted inside."

Mary at last sets her cup down, looking at Nola with... sadness? Pity? Blank lack of interest?

Nola looks back with hope, and maybe a little fear.