Honestly, I only modified two of these comics

Based on the 2013-12-19 Marmaduke strip.

The Pajama Diaries, 2013-12-19.
Is it just me, or is anyone else surprised that this got published in newspapers? I mean, the joke here is that she is about to have sex with her tablet, right? And she's wearing only her underwear. This is basically an invitation for letters of complaint.

Based on the 2013-12-19 On The Fast Rack strip.

As Henry is walking down the street a boy runs past him going in the opposite direction. Another boy follows close behind him.
"A big milk truck upset, Henry!" calls the second boy as he passes.
Henry quickly runs home to fetch his cats.

Henry, 2013-12-19.

"Thar's Doc Pritchart an' Snuffy headed fer th' community Chris'mas party !!" says Elviney.
Snuffy and Pritchart are dressed as Santa and an elf, and although Snuffy is short and the doctor is tall, Snuffy is Santa and Doc is the elf.
"Not eg'zactly masters of th' obvious, are they ?" muses Lukey.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 2013-12-19.

Apartment 3-G, 2013-12-19.
"We'll stay in touch." says Lu Ann, probably even meaning it. But this is Apartment 3-G, so you can pretty much guarantee that this is the last we'll ever hear of Cole or Marty. I wonder who Lu Ann will get engaged to next month?

Also, it seems like a while since we've heard anything of Margo, so hopefully she'll make up for her absence with a particularly crazy Christmas/new year's eve story.

Also Tommie still exists, presumably.

Huge, massive uninteresting developments

Wizard of Id, 2013-12-18.
So here's an interesting development, and it rather throws a spanner in the works for my "Wizard of Id is set in the present but in an alternate reality" theory. In fact it seems that Wizard of Id must be set in the future.

Fred Basset, 2013-12-18
What's this? An ongoing story in Fred Basset? Next thing you know there'll be jokes.


Poverty and mental illness

"Can I borry two items from you, Elviney ?" asks Loweezy sadly.
"Shore, Loweezy, whatta you need ?" asks Elviney.
"Food and' drink !!" says Loweezy. She tries to laugh it off, but Elviney knows it's no joke, the Smifs are living in poverty just like everyone else in Hootin' Holler.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 2013-12-17.

Ziggy is at a restaurant. A large sign informs customers that the "Tuna Surprise" is just $8.95. Ziggy looks over his shoulder, just in time to see the head of a giant fish peeking around a nearby door, giggling to itself.

Ziggy, 2013-12-17.

Fred Basset, 2013-12-17.
Reading, it, you can see exactly how this comic came about. Michael Martin was trying to come up with an idea for a comic and he hit on the old standby of "technology is confusing". So he thought about something he'd had difficulty with recently, his new digital camera. But then he looked at the instructions and found that it was actually pretty straight-forward. So what was he going to do then, come up with another idea? Of course not. He just made up some nonsense instructions to make it seem more complicated, because the target audience for Fred Basset certainly isn't going to call him on it.


Small mercies

Wizard of Id, 2013-12-16.
Thank god they're not naked.

Mother Goose and Grimm are at a restaurant.
"Red or white with your entrée?" asks the waiter, holding up a bottle of red wine in one hand and a bottle of white wine in the other.
"White" says Mother Goose, holding up a martini glass and smirking. "... with olives".
The waiter is dismayed. It seems that this establishment has only two varieties of wine and no other drink options. Grimm smirks nastily, enjoying the waiter's discomfort.

Mother Goose and Grimm, 2013-12-16.


It's pretty easy to tell chocolate and Vegemite apart

Heathcliff discovers an abnormally large mouse-hole in the wall and sticks his head in to see what's going on. He finds two adult mice standing behind a younger mouse. One of the adults is wearing an apron and a bow, the child is wearing a gi, the other mouse is naked.

The child takes a fighting stance.
"Watch out -" says the naked mouse. "He's  an orange belt."

Heathcliff slowly backs away and resolves never to speak of or think about what he has just witnessed.

Heathcliff, 2013-12-13.

Ginger Meggs, 2013-12-13.
I don't think this would work. Firstly, Vegemite's darker than most chocolate, and secondly you'd notice when you tried to pick it up that it wasn't solid.

"Look, mister Capp, this can't go on." says the doctor. "You're going to have to stop drinking."
"Why, doc?" asks Andy.
"Because I'm trying to examine you" says the doctor.

You thought the doctor was advising him to cut alcohol consumption from his life, but actually Andy was just drinking a beer while he was at the doctor's surgery and the doctor found it inconvenient.

Andy Capp, 2013-12-13.

Mother Goose and Grimm, 2013-12-13.
Grimm: Most punchable character in comics? It's a hard call, but he's up there.

Apartment 3-G, 2013-12-13.
What, you wanted some information about your father's condition? Ha, no. Shut up.


All of today's comics share a single punchline

Nancy, 2013-12-12.
Paying orphans sub-standard wages to scrub floors. Sure, that sounds like Christian charity to me. Or a return to 19th century labour practices. Either or.

Heathcliff, like Batman, has a car designed to suit his theme — that theme being Heathcliff. Unlike Batman, Heathcliff uses his car to go to the shops to buy milk rather than to fight crime.

Heathcliff, 2013-12-12.

"Oh, doctor." calls Flo. "Just the person. Can I ask your advice? I've got this terrible irritating pain and I'm not sure what to do"
"Where is the pain?" asks the Doctor, totally unaware that he's walking right into a real knee-slapper.
"He's at home" says Flo.

She means Andy, you see. She's not in pain, she's saying that Andy is a pain. That's the joke.

Andy Capp, 2013-12-12.

I'm dog-sitting for my neighbors while they're out of town." says Fitch.
"Cool." says Dustin, patting the dog on the head.
"But Charlie has fleas. Yesterday I found one on my ankle."
Dustin immediately stops patting the dog.
"So go to the pet store and buy a flea collar." he says.
"I did that." says Fitch, "But it made my neck itch."

You'd expect him to have put the flea collar on the dog, but actually he tried it on himself. It's funny because it confounds our expectations.

Dustin, 2013-12-12.

Based on the 1946-11-04 The Phantom strip. The last sentence of the first dialogue balloon serves as an alternate punchline for every one of the other comics featured today.


Christmas che- oh wait, it's Crankshaft

A tortoise has put a bent piece of corrugated iron on top of his shell.
"I'll never understand you..." remarks a bird.
"I like the sound it makes when it rains." explains the tortoise.

B.C., 2013-12-11.

Crankshaft, 2013-12-11.
So, they should both be fired.

Mary Worth, 2013-12-11.
You know what I like best about black-and-white photography? The colours.


Technically an improvement

Gil, 2013-12-10.
Given that the outcome of Snakes and Ladders is determined entirely by dice roll and there is no element of skill to it at all, you could really save a lot of time and tedium by just rolling the die once each and declaring the person who rolled highest the winner.

Of course, Gil's modification does make the game take less time, so it is still an improvement over the standard game. He really should get his mother to buy him some decent board games though. I bet he would be totally into Lords of Waterdeep, and his mother would probably approve since it's not a video-game.

A reasonable explanation

Heathcliff is sitting on the doorstep next to a large trophy. He has a big white beard. A neighbour looking over the fence notices Heathcliff and is confused.
"Competitive bearding." explains a boy.

Heathcliff, 2013-12-09.


The Goddamn Jameson

Based on the Amazing Spider-Man strips of 2013-12-06 and 2013-12-07 and this famous Batman panel.

Talking animals are weird

Buckles, 2013-12-05.
Comic strips where pets talk and their owners understand them are pretty common, and usually I can just accept the premise and move on, but sometimes I think about it too much. For example, in this Buckles strip.

They're talking to him like as though he's a person who can be reasoned with. If that's the case, why are they allowed to keep him as a pet? Isn't this some bizarre form of slavery? It's not at Bleeker the Rechargeable Dog levels of horror, but dogs in this universe are people with intelligence comparable to humans and yet they're still kept as property.


Bad drawings and bad jokes

Marmaduke, 2013-12-04.
Is he talking about the small girl or the dog? Either way, I'm disturbed.

Pooch Café, 2013-12-04.
That has got to be the worst drawing of Oprah ever attempted.

"Out!" yells the bouncer as he hurls Andy from the oub.
"Tch!" exclaims the police officer, wagging a finger. "You know, mister Capp, you should drink in moderation"
"Is that the new club in town?" asks Andy.
You see, he's very drunk and is having comprehension problems. Or perhaps he's making a joke. Either way, the police officer is not amused and expresses his frustration by breaking the fourth wall and grimacing at the audience.

Andy Capp, 2013-12-04.

"Honey!" calls Molly, reading a letter. "How many fish did you say you caught last Saturday?"
"I brought home six beauties!" brags Moose. "Why?"
"Just as I thought!" exclaims Molly. "The fish market made a mistake and is trying to bill us for eight!"
Moose grins at the audience as though to say "Well, she caught me!"

Moose and Molly, 2013-12-04.


Animals behaving oddly

Heathcliff, 2013-12-03.
To anyone who's not convinced yet that Heathcliff is a great comic, look at this!

Beetle Bailey, 2013-12-03.
I don't want to know what's going on here, and I really don't want to know why Beetle and Killer are smiling.

Apartment 3-G, 2013-12-03.
Sensible question. I often sleep upright on a dining chair in a well-lit room.


Is the world going crazy or is Ziggy?

Ziggy, 2013-12-02.
It's never clear how much of what goes on in Ziggy is actually happening and how much is in Ziggy's mind. I think this is a clear sign that he needs psychiatric help though.

Snuffy and Lukey are going fishing.
"I don't know if th' weather's gittin' more extreme, Lukey..." muses Smif, "but it's definitely gittin' weirder !!"
Although it seems to be  point of idle contemplation for Snuffy, Lukey shows a little greater concern. After all, it's he whom the rain cloud is apparently following around, as though with some purpose. Is some powerful supernatural being targeting him specifically? It's a worrying possibility.

Snuffy Smith, 2013-12-02.

What? Who is this?

Based on the 2013-08-13 Garfield strip, the 2013-10-03 Phantom strip, the 2013-11-29 Judge Parker strip and the 2011-04-11 Mark Trail strip.


Celebrate the apocalypse

A woman is showing her friend her survival bunker.
"You can see I'm prepped for ANY future disaster! I won't run out of staples." she says, pointing out shelves of water and rice.
"Or dates for Friday nights!" she adds, showing off the stasis room in which she is holding captive a large number of men.

Six Chix, 2013-11-30.

Hazel is bringing a piece of cake to George, who is watching the gridiron on television. Hazel's attention is diverted by what's going on on the screen.
"Touchdown!" she yells, accidentally throwing the cake at George's head.

Hazel, 2013-11-30.

Good question, Hägar. Are these Vikings celebrating American thanksgiving? If so, what's with the hats? And what are they singing?

Safe Havens

Based on the 2013-11-28 Safe Havens strip.


Bad food, bad weather

"Millie's making a vegan thanksgiving!" says Ozzie. "Yikes!!!"
His stomach growls.
"What am I going to eat around here!?!"
Mooch offers Ozzie his cat-food. Ozzie seems to be seriously considering it.

Mutts, 2013-11-26.

There is a loud crack, followed by a boom. Privates Diller and Plato look worried.
"Well, the weather-man did predict 'localized storms'" says Diller, commenting on the fact that a very small thunderstorm has broken out about a foot above Pvt. Bailey's head. Bailey bears this with resignation, rather than alarm.

Beetle Bailey, 2013-11-26.