2014-05-29

Sitcom Thursday: Horrific abuses of power

Safe Havens, 2014-05-22.

"Samantha's performing her usual ritual before the lab closes for the summer..." says Rosalind, looking out the window. "...saving the lives of the lab rats by turning them into flowers and planting them outside!"
"More! More!" cry the flowers as Samantha sprinkles something onto them.
"Look, guys." says Samantha. "Someone is gonna notice that this is parmesan cheese..."

The lab rats are sentient, they can speak. They were going to be killed, but instead they were transformed into flowers by mad sorcerer geneticist Samantha Argus. They can still speak, but despite this the university has no problem paving over them, so Sam has to transfer them to her own garden. But then she discovers that when they sneeze (which is a thing they can do) their pollen turns animals into flowers, so she seals them in a glass case for their rest of their lives. Is there any part of this that isn't horrifying?



The Barn, 2014-05-26.

Rory has a desk with a sign on it reading "Rory's Classics". Stan approaches and takes a sheaf of papers from the desk.
"'Gone with the breeze'?" reads Stan.
"Global warming." says Rory.

OK, Ralph Hagen, which part of "more extreme weather conditions" are you having trouble understanding?



Retail, 2014-05-28.

"Lunker did these counts awfully fast, Cooper." says Marla. "Are you sure they're accurate?"
"There are 57 packets in this box..." says Cooper. "Observe."
He dumps the packets onto the ground.
"How many, Lunker?"
"57." says Lunker.
"Why isn't he counting everything?" asks Marla.
"I don't abuse the power of Lunker." says Cooper.

No, seriously though, why isn't he counting everything? How would that in any way be an abuse of power? What the fuck is wrong with you?



Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 2014-05-29.

"Whar's Silas, Elviney ?" asks Loweezy.
"He's in th' back of th' store inspectin' the' canned goods !!" says Elviney. "An' between you an' me -- changin' all th' exp'ration dates !!"
Loweezy is horrified.

Well, now everyone in town is going to know and you're going to be put out of business be run out of town by an angry mob. Nice going, Elviney.

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