Showing posts with label Andy Capp. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Andy Capp. Show all posts

2017-03-28

Andy Capp - 2017-03-28


Florence Capp, a working class English woman, is visiting a supposed psychic, a fortune teller who goes by the name of "Mystic Mary". Flo is wearing a blue jacket, cardigan, windcheater, hoodie, or similar garment, with matching trousers. The trousers have pocket on the left side (and possibly a matching one on the right, although it is impossible to say from this angle). She is also wearing pale blue gloves and a pink headscarf with black spots. Her hair, where it is visible sticking out from behind the scarf, is bright yellow with some squiggles probably meant to imply curls. She is sitting up straight, hands clasped before her, holding a grey handbag or purse. She seems to be paying careful attention to "Mary".

"Mary" is dressed in what appears to be wizards' robes, pale purple with yellow stars, and some S-shapes on the (loose, baggy) cuffs. She also wears a matching hood, bonnet or cap. Her hair, peeking out from the cap, is black and sparse. She appears to be wearing black lipstick. She is leaning forward, eyes closed, hands held out before her, fingers splayed. Motion lines indicate that her hands are waving.

Between the two women is a table, completely covered by a white table cloth bearing the words "MYSTIC MARY" in a vaguely whimsical font. On the table is a "crystal ball", a clear glass sphere resting on a black base. The two women are seated on three-legged, wooden stools. The background is mostly a dark pink colour, but the top part is a solid black, indicating perhaps that the two women are seated in the only well-lit part of a dark room.

"Ah, the mists are clearing" says "Mary". "I can see now..."

In the next panel, "Mary" has opened her eyes and raised her hands slightly. Mrs Capp has leaned forward, placed one hand (palm-down) on the table and opened her mouth to speak. Her other hand (still holding the grey bag) hangs at her side.

"A tall handsome man is going to call for you and wants you to go with him" says "Mary".
"Oh!" says Florence. "How exciting!"

The third and final panel takes place some unspecified amount of time later. Florence is now at home, answering the door to a police officer. The house is a pinkish-orange colour, and several bricks are visible, suggesting that the entire wall is made of brick and that Roger Mahoney (or whoever drew this strip) was too lazy to draw the rest of them. The front step appears to be made of stone or concrete, being a blueish-grey colour, which matches the colour of an unidentified object sticking out above the doorway.

The police officer is standing outside the house, on what appear to be square or rectangular concrete pavers, each of about 60 square centimetres. The background is a pale blue sky, in which a single white cloud can be seen at the edge of the frame. The weather appears overcast.

Florence is now wearing the same blue jacket, coat or whatever it is as before but with a black skirt, and has removed her gloves and scarf. She stands listening to the police officer with a look of weary resignation. The police officer is wearing an old-fashioned British police uniform, black with golden buttons and epaulettes, black shoes and a black helmet with gold trim and insignia. His eyes are closed but his mouth is open as he is speaking.

"He's in the cells, Flo" he says. "Can you come and bail him out?"

The officer is taller than Flo, and based on the statement made earlier by "Mystic Mary" one can infer that he is also handsome. Thus, her prophecy is fulfilled, as this tall, handsome man has come to see Florence and asked her to accompany him, although not for the romantic reason she may have expected or hoped for.

2014-06-05

Sitcom Thursday: Hiram classes it up

Brewster Rockit: Space Guy!, 2014-06-02.

"Smart guns that only work for their owners. Smart cars that steer themselves." says Dr Mel. "Smart gadgets are the future! I'm creating other smart gadgets. Like the smart fork!"
Brewster doesn't reply.
Meanwhile, Cliff is using Mel's new fork.
"I think you've had enough." says the fork.

Mel's a bit behind the times. Those already exist.



Dustin, 2014-06-03.

Meg is writing in her diary.
"Tomorrow I plan to confess my darkest, most closely guarded secret ever." she writes. "A secret so ignominious, that heretofore, I have been unable to risk its disclosure, even here."
Later, as Meg is eating at the kitchen table, Dustin comes into the room.
"Meg, quick question..." he says. "What does 'ignominious' mean?"
Meg is horrified at the realisation that her brother reads her diary.

At first I wondered why Dustin would read Meg's diary. I doubt it can be of any interest to him. But then I realised, he must have known when he asked that question that Meg would realise that he'd been reading it, but he would still have plausible deniability, so the reason becomes clear. He read his sister's diary to annoy her. Fair enough.



Hi and Lois, 2014-06-03.

His is unshaven and dressed casually.
"My book group is coming over." says Lois. "Can you make yourself a little more presentable?"
"OK." says Hi and goes off to do so.
Later, Lois enters the living-room to find Hi seated in an armchair, now dressed in a smoking jacket, monocle and ascot, holding a pipe and a snifter.
"I went for the literary look." he says.

You've got to admire his dedication to the joke. Also the fact that he already owned all those things.



Andy Capp, 2014-06-04.

Andy staggers onto the pitch, hiccuping.
"Fancy turning up for football after being in the pub." says one of his team-mates. "Disgraceful"
"He's in no fit state to play" says another, as Andy collapses.
"Hold on," says the first, "I think he could do a job in goal"
So they get some rope and tie his arms to the top of the goal, hanging him there as a sort of makeshift barrier.

2014-03-13

Sitcom Thursday: Food and Wine

"Bill's chippy isn't doing very well these days" says Chalky.
"Yeah, well it's his own fault" says Andy. "He should fix his sign"
It seems that some of the letters have come off and the sign now reads "ILL HIPPY", although the missing letters can still be seen fairly clearly and the shop has big windows so you can see in from the street, so it's unlikely that people are actually being confused or put off by the sign.



"I'm drinking a glass of red... Alone." muses Lizzie. "Is that OK or is it a cry for help? If it's a cry for help, nobody would hear it."

"...'cause I'm drinking alone, baby!"



Ed approaches the counter at a fast-food restaurant.
"You're serving a burger on brioche?" he asks. "Brioche?"
"Yes, sir." says the unfortunate staff member forced to deal with him.
"When I was in Paris last summer I never saw brioche used with a burger." says Ed, closing his eyes sadly. "Don't you think it's a little pretentious?"
"Gee, I don't know, sir..." says the staff member, "but then I'm not the one acting like a jetsetter in line at Wendy's."
Ed is momentarily taken aback but recovers quickly.
"Maybe you misunderstood..." he begins, condescendingly. "You see, brioche is a classic French bread with a paper-thin crust and silky, tender crumb... in France, it's used with fine meats. Putting a cheeseburger on it seems inauthentic to me."
"Got it, sir." says the staff member, who absolutely could not give less of a fuck. "You know, I'd ask if you want French fries, but we might be here all week..."

2014-02-27

Sitcom Thursday: Beer or Wine?

A man in a brown suit strides pompously into Jack's bar waving a fistful of money.
"I had a big win on the horses." he declares. "Cocktails all round, Jack!"
"Coming up" replies Jack, fetching the drinks.
"What's this?" asks the brown-suited man.
"Jack's idea of a cocktail" replies Andy.
"A pint of beer with a little umbrella in it" clarifies Chalky.
But really, what was he expecting just asking for "a cocktail" rather than a particular drink?

Mrs. Halftrack answers a knock at the door to find Lt. Fuzz standing there.
"Why, Lt. Fuzz!" she says. "What a surprise to see you on a Saturday! Amos will be so sorry to have missed you"
Meanwhile, Amos has hidden behind the couch, spilling his wine in his haste. The big surprise though is that he's actually drinking it from a glass rather than straight from the bottle.

"I swear I shall never, ever drink the fruit of the vine!" says Hägar.
"Unless you run out of beer" corrects Helga.
Given that Hägar had a beer in his hand the whole time, it's really not clear what point he was trying to make. Maybe he just doesn't like wine?

2013-12-16

It's pretty easy to tell chocolate and Vegemite apart

Heathcliff discovers an abnormally large mouse-hole in the wall and sticks his head in to see what's going on. He finds two adult mice standing behind a younger mouse. One of the adults is wearing an apron and a bow, the child is wearing a gi, the other mouse is naked.

The child takes a fighting stance.
"Watch out -" says the naked mouse. "He's  an orange belt."

Heathcliff slowly backs away and resolves never to speak of or think about what he has just witnessed.

Heathcliff, 2013-12-13.



Ginger Meggs, 2013-12-13.
I don't think this would work. Firstly, Vegemite's darker than most chocolate, and secondly you'd notice when you tried to pick it up that it wasn't solid.



"Look, mister Capp, this can't go on." says the doctor. "You're going to have to stop drinking."
"Why, doc?" asks Andy.
"Because I'm trying to examine you" says the doctor.

You thought the doctor was advising him to cut alcohol consumption from his life, but actually Andy was just drinking a beer while he was at the doctor's surgery and the doctor found it inconvenient.

Andy Capp, 2013-12-13.



Mother Goose and Grimm, 2013-12-13.
Grimm: Most punchable character in comics? It's a hard call, but he's up there.



Apartment 3-G, 2013-12-13.
What, you wanted some information about your father's condition? Ha, no. Shut up.

2013-12-14

All of today's comics share a single punchline

Nancy, 2013-12-12.
Paying orphans sub-standard wages to scrub floors. Sure, that sounds like Christian charity to me. Or a return to 19th century labour practices. Either or.



Heathcliff, like Batman, has a car designed to suit his theme — that theme being Heathcliff. Unlike Batman, Heathcliff uses his car to go to the shops to buy milk rather than to fight crime.

Heathcliff, 2013-12-12.



"Oh, doctor." calls Flo. "Just the person. Can I ask your advice? I've got this terrible irritating pain and I'm not sure what to do"
"Where is the pain?" asks the Doctor, totally unaware that he's walking right into a real knee-slapper.
"He's at home" says Flo.

She means Andy, you see. She's not in pain, she's saying that Andy is a pain. That's the joke.

Andy Capp, 2013-12-12.



I'm dog-sitting for my neighbors while they're out of town." says Fitch.
"Cool." says Dustin, patting the dog on the head.
"But Charlie has fleas. Yesterday I found one on my ankle."
Dustin immediately stops patting the dog.
"So go to the pet store and buy a flea collar." he says.
"I did that." says Fitch, "But it made my neck itch."

You'd expect him to have put the flea collar on the dog, but actually he tried it on himself. It's funny because it confounds our expectations.

Dustin, 2013-12-12.


Based on the 1946-11-04 The Phantom strip. The last sentence of the first dialogue balloon serves as an alternate punchline for every one of the other comics featured today.

2013-12-10

Bad drawings and bad jokes

Marmaduke, 2013-12-04.
Is he talking about the small girl or the dog? Either way, I'm disturbed.



Pooch Café, 2013-12-04.
That has got to be the worst drawing of Oprah ever attempted.



"Out!" yells the bouncer as he hurls Andy from the oub.
"Tch!" exclaims the police officer, wagging a finger. "You know, mister Capp, you should drink in moderation"
"Is that the new club in town?" asks Andy.
You see, he's very drunk and is having comprehension problems. Or perhaps he's making a joke. Either way, the police officer is not amused and expresses his frustration by breaking the fourth wall and grimacing at the audience.

Andy Capp, 2013-12-04.



"Honey!" calls Molly, reading a letter. "How many fish did you say you caught last Saturday?"
"I brought home six beauties!" brags Moose. "Why?"
"Just as I thought!" exclaims Molly. "The fish market made a mistake and is trying to bill us for eight!"
Moose grins at the audience as though to say "Well, she caught me!"

Moose and Molly, 2013-12-04.

2013-04-20

Andy Capp

"Why do you put that cover over the budgie's cage, Chalkie?" asks Andy.
"Keeps it quiet, Andy." says Chalkie. "Stops it talking"
Andy mugs at the audience as he imagines throwing a cover over Flo's head to stop her from talking.
"Andy?" says Chalkie. Unaware of Andy's thoughts, he is confused at his friends' sudden silence and odd facial expression.

Comic

2013-04-04

Andy Capp

Jackie stands at a podium beside which a sign proclaims this to be "quiz night".
"Question ten:" he says. "The last maritime battle with oar-powered ships took place where?"
Chalkie and Andy are sitting at a table, half-finished beers in front of them.
"That one's easy, Andy" says Chalkie. "It was at sea"
As Chalkie writes his answer down, Andy breaks the fourth wall to look at the audience as though to say "Can you believe this guy?"

Comic

2012-12-20

Andy Capp

Some children have created three snow sculptures of Andy, showing him first standing, then tripping, then lying on the ground. The sculptures show an impressive level of detail and seem to defy gravity.

"Flippin' kids." says Andy, exasperatedly gesturing at these amazing manifestations of skill and commitment.

Comic