The Grizzwells, 2014-06-30.
"Be honest..." says Pierpoint. "Does it bother you when I'm constantly apologizing for one thing or another?"
"Actually..." says Gunther, "it drives me crazy"
"I'm sorry to hear that" says Pierpoint.
That's not an apology though. He should have jusat said "Oh. Sorry." That would have been an apology. "I'm sorry to hear that" means you feel sympathy or pity, not that you're taking responsibility for something.
Also, you know that thing some people do where they tell you about something bad that's happened and you say "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that." and they say "It's not your fault."? I hate that. The word "sorry" has more than one meaning. I wasn't implying that I killed your grandmother, I was expressing sympathy, you dickhead.
Dustin, 2014-07-01.
Meg is wearing clothes that reveal her arms, most of her legs and her stomach.
"I got this to wear for our fourth of July cookout." she says. "Are we going to have fireworks?"
"Yes..." says Helen. "Right after your father sees that outfit."
It's funny because Meg thought she could spend her own money to buy clothes that she likes and then wear them, but it turns out that she's female. Ha ha!
Freshly Squeezed, 2014-06-30.
"Oh great!" says Sam sarcastically. "My credit card may have been compromised, so they sent us a new one. It'll take me hours to change the number for all the bills I pay online."
"In my day, we had a simple, secure way of paying for stuff." says Irv, smugly. "We called it 'cash.'"
"I've heard of that." says Sam.
Yeah, there's absolutely no way to steal cash from someone. You'd have to have some method of physically moving small objects and a method of coercion, perhaps involving the threat of violence. There's no way criminals could ever manage it.
Showing posts with label Dustin. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Dustin. Show all posts
2014-06-05
Sitcom Thursday: Hiram classes it up
Brewster Rockit: Space Guy!, 2014-06-02.
"Smart guns that only work for their owners. Smart cars that steer themselves." says Dr Mel. "Smart gadgets are the future! I'm creating other smart gadgets. Like the smart fork!"
Brewster doesn't reply.
Meanwhile, Cliff is using Mel's new fork.
"I think you've had enough." says the fork.
Mel's a bit behind the times. Those already exist.
Dustin, 2014-06-03.
Meg is writing in her diary.
"Tomorrow I plan to confess my darkest, most closely guarded secret ever." she writes. "A secret so ignominious, that heretofore, I have been unable to risk its disclosure, even here."
Later, as Meg is eating at the kitchen table, Dustin comes into the room.
"Meg, quick question..." he says. "What does 'ignominious' mean?"
Meg is horrified at the realisation that her brother reads her diary.
At first I wondered why Dustin would read Meg's diary. I doubt it can be of any interest to him. But then I realised, he must have known when he asked that question that Meg would realise that he'd been reading it, but he would still have plausible deniability, so the reason becomes clear. He read his sister's diary to annoy her. Fair enough.
Hi and Lois, 2014-06-03.
His is unshaven and dressed casually.
"My book group is coming over." says Lois. "Can you make yourself a little more presentable?"
"OK." says Hi and goes off to do so.
Later, Lois enters the living-room to find Hi seated in an armchair, now dressed in a smoking jacket, monocle and ascot, holding a pipe and a snifter.
"I went for the literary look." he says.
You've got to admire his dedication to the joke. Also the fact that he already owned all those things.
Andy Capp, 2014-06-04.
Andy staggers onto the pitch, hiccuping.
"Fancy turning up for football after being in the pub." says one of his team-mates. "Disgraceful"
"He's in no fit state to play" says another, as Andy collapses.
"Hold on," says the first, "I think he could do a job in goal"
So they get some rope and tie his arms to the top of the goal, hanging him there as a sort of makeshift barrier.
"Smart guns that only work for their owners. Smart cars that steer themselves." says Dr Mel. "Smart gadgets are the future! I'm creating other smart gadgets. Like the smart fork!"
Brewster doesn't reply.
Meanwhile, Cliff is using Mel's new fork.
"I think you've had enough." says the fork.
Mel's a bit behind the times. Those already exist.
Dustin, 2014-06-03.
Meg is writing in her diary.
"Tomorrow I plan to confess my darkest, most closely guarded secret ever." she writes. "A secret so ignominious, that heretofore, I have been unable to risk its disclosure, even here."
Later, as Meg is eating at the kitchen table, Dustin comes into the room.
"Meg, quick question..." he says. "What does 'ignominious' mean?"
Meg is horrified at the realisation that her brother reads her diary.
At first I wondered why Dustin would read Meg's diary. I doubt it can be of any interest to him. But then I realised, he must have known when he asked that question that Meg would realise that he'd been reading it, but he would still have plausible deniability, so the reason becomes clear. He read his sister's diary to annoy her. Fair enough.
Hi and Lois, 2014-06-03.
His is unshaven and dressed casually.
"My book group is coming over." says Lois. "Can you make yourself a little more presentable?"
"OK." says Hi and goes off to do so.
Later, Lois enters the living-room to find Hi seated in an armchair, now dressed in a smoking jacket, monocle and ascot, holding a pipe and a snifter.
"I went for the literary look." he says.
You've got to admire his dedication to the joke. Also the fact that he already owned all those things.
Andy Capp, 2014-06-04.
Andy staggers onto the pitch, hiccuping.
"Fancy turning up for football after being in the pub." says one of his team-mates. "Disgraceful"
"He's in no fit state to play" says another, as Andy collapses.
"Hold on," says the first, "I think he could do a job in goal"
So they get some rope and tie his arms to the top of the goal, hanging him there as a sort of makeshift barrier.
2014-05-23
Philosophical Friday: Poor Execution
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| Dustin, 2014-05-21. |
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| Barney & Clyde, 2014-05-23. |
2014-05-16
Philosophical Friday: Makeup For Card Sharks
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| Sherman's Lagoon, 2014-05-08. |
Secondly, lipstick? Do those sharks look like they have lips to you? I know the whole talking animal thing generally relies on the assumption that the talking animals do human things even when they don't make sense (like sharks sleeping in a bed), but the drawing still has to support the joke and you can't have them talking about their lips when they clearly don't have any.
Thirdly, how the hell is beige lipstick even supposed to work for a human? It wouldn't make your face hard to read, it would just make you look like you didn't have lips. Which, again, Megan doesn't.
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| Dustin, 2014-05-12. |
So you end up with strips like this where Dustin's reaction comes across entirely differently than intended. He's supposed to be "Argh, I have to actually work and not be lazy any more? OMG!" or whatever but instead he's "Uhh, OK. Why is dad being nice to me this morning?"
It's like there are two comics running simultaneously, or like we're seeing two parallel universes, and none of the characters ever know which one they're in.
2014-03-13
Sitcom Thursday: Food and Wine
"Bill's chippy isn't doing very well these days" says Chalky.
"Yeah, well it's his own fault" says Andy. "He should fix his sign"
It seems that some of the letters have come off and the sign now reads "ILL HIPPY", although the missing letters can still be seen fairly clearly and the shop has big windows so you can see in from the street, so it's unlikely that people are actually being confused or put off by the sign.
"I'm drinking a glass of red... Alone." muses Lizzie. "Is that OK or is it a cry for help? If it's a cry for help, nobody would hear it."
"...'cause I'm drinking alone, baby!"
Ed approaches the counter at a fast-food restaurant.
"You're serving a burger on brioche?" he asks. "Brioche?"
"Yes, sir." says the unfortunate staff member forced to deal with him.
"When I was in Paris last summer I never saw brioche used with a burger." says Ed, closing his eyes sadly. "Don't you think it's a little pretentious?"
"Gee, I don't know, sir..." says the staff member, "but then I'm not the one acting like a jetsetter in line at Wendy's."
Ed is momentarily taken aback but recovers quickly.
"Maybe you misunderstood..." he begins, condescendingly. "You see, brioche is a classic French bread with a paper-thin crust and silky, tender crumb... in France, it's used with fine meats. Putting a cheeseburger on it seems inauthentic to me."
"Got it, sir." says the staff member, who absolutely could not give less of a fuck. "You know, I'd ask if you want French fries, but we might be here all week..."
"Yeah, well it's his own fault" says Andy. "He should fix his sign"
It seems that some of the letters have come off and the sign now reads "ILL HIPPY", although the missing letters can still be seen fairly clearly and the shop has big windows so you can see in from the street, so it's unlikely that people are actually being confused or put off by the sign.
"I'm drinking a glass of red... Alone." muses Lizzie. "Is that OK or is it a cry for help? If it's a cry for help, nobody would hear it."
"...'cause I'm drinking alone, baby!"
Ed approaches the counter at a fast-food restaurant.
"You're serving a burger on brioche?" he asks. "Brioche?"
"Yes, sir." says the unfortunate staff member forced to deal with him.
"When I was in Paris last summer I never saw brioche used with a burger." says Ed, closing his eyes sadly. "Don't you think it's a little pretentious?"
"Gee, I don't know, sir..." says the staff member, "but then I'm not the one acting like a jetsetter in line at Wendy's."
Ed is momentarily taken aback but recovers quickly.
"Maybe you misunderstood..." he begins, condescendingly. "You see, brioche is a classic French bread with a paper-thin crust and silky, tender crumb... in France, it's used with fine meats. Putting a cheeseburger on it seems inauthentic to me."
"Got it, sir." says the staff member, who absolutely could not give less of a fuck. "You know, I'd ask if you want French fries, but we might be here all week..."
2013-12-14
All of today's comics share a single punchline
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| Nancy, 2013-12-12. |
Heathcliff, like Batman, has a car designed to suit his theme — that theme being Heathcliff. Unlike Batman, Heathcliff uses his car to go to the shops to buy milk rather than to fight crime.
Heathcliff, 2013-12-12.
"Oh, doctor." calls Flo. "Just the person. Can I ask your advice? I've got this terrible irritating pain and I'm not sure what to do"
"Where is the pain?" asks the Doctor, totally unaware that he's walking right into a real knee-slapper.
"He's at home" says Flo.
She means Andy, you see. She's not in pain, she's saying that Andy is a pain. That's the joke.
Andy Capp, 2013-12-12.
I'm dog-sitting for my neighbors while they're out of town." says Fitch.
"Cool." says Dustin, patting the dog on the head.
"But Charlie has fleas. Yesterday I found one on my ankle."
Dustin immediately stops patting the dog.
"So go to the pet store and buy a flea collar." he says.
"I did that." says Fitch, "But it made my neck itch."
You'd expect him to have put the flea collar on the dog, but actually he tried it on himself. It's funny because it confounds our expectations.
Dustin, 2013-12-12.
2013-11-11
Hold on, let me explain it, this'll be good
So here's the idea. What if a waiter was writing orders on their hands? Instead of in a notebook? I know, it's a pretty funny idea, but it doesn't quite work. The readers will just be asking themselves why he's doing that. Got to justify it somehow. OK, let's say he forgot his notepad.
Oh, actually he'd probably just remember the orders. Waiters do that all the time anyway.
OK, well let's say that he's taking so many orders that he can't remember them all.
Wait, why wouldn't he just go get his notepad then? Fuck it, who cares? I can basically write whatever I want and ignore all feedback and somehow still get paid to do this.
The preceding sentences are an accurate portrayal of the process by which Steve Kelley writes Dustin.
Dustin, 2013-11-08.
Oh, actually he'd probably just remember the orders. Waiters do that all the time anyway.
OK, well let's say that he's taking so many orders that he can't remember them all.
Wait, why wouldn't he just go get his notepad then? Fuck it, who cares? I can basically write whatever I want and ignore all feedback and somehow still get paid to do this.
The preceding sentences are an accurate portrayal of the process by which Steve Kelley writes Dustin.
Dustin, 2013-11-08.
2013-07-15
Pondering Dustin
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| Dustin, 2013-07-13. |
2013-05-28
Pondering Dustin
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| Dustin, 2013-05-07. |
2013-05-16
Dustin
Dustin is sitting on the couch shovelling plain spaghetti with no sauce into his mouth.
"Whoa, easy does it, tiger" says Helen.
"I'm carbo-loading for a marathon." says Dustin.
"A marathon?"
"Yep... I plan to finish in four hours."
"I don't know, son, that seems pretty ambitious your first time out. What marathon is it?"
"'Vanderpump Rules.'" says Dustin, picking up the remote control to turn the TV on.
Comic
"Whoa, easy does it, tiger" says Helen.
"I'm carbo-loading for a marathon." says Dustin.
"A marathon?"
"Yep... I plan to finish in four hours."
"I don't know, son, that seems pretty ambitious your first time out. What marathon is it?"
"'Vanderpump Rules.'" says Dustin, picking up the remote control to turn the TV on.
Comic
2013-04-13
2013-04-08
Dustin
Dustin and Ed are walking through a shopping centre.
"Look at that..." says Ed, pointing to a couple of young adults sitting at a table in the food court. "They're together at the table... but neither is paying attention to the other!"
Dustin waves his finger in the air and rolls his eyes.
"Kids these days!" he says.
Ed glares at him.
"I thought I'd save you the trouble." says Dustin.
Comic
"Look at that..." says Ed, pointing to a couple of young adults sitting at a table in the food court. "They're together at the table... but neither is paying attention to the other!"
Dustin waves his finger in the air and rolls his eyes.
"Kids these days!" he says.
Ed glares at him.
"I thought I'd save you the trouble." says Dustin.
Comic
2013-02-07
2012-09-20
2012-07-19
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