The Born Loser, 2014-09-23.
"I'm an eternal optimist. A glass-half-full type of person!" says Brutus's co-worker. "How about you, Thorny— are you a glass-half-full or half-empty guy?"
"I'm the born loser, so I'm a glass-completely-empty type of guy." says Brutus.
Is it just me or is it really weird how this comic has its protagonist just come right out and acknowledge his role in it? And this isn't an isolated thing either, he does it all the time. He is "the born loser" and he knows it. Not merely a born loser, the. And it isn't even necessary to the joke, you can remove the words "I'm the born loser, so" and it works just as well. It's more obviously fourth-wall breaking than anything Ted Forth has ever done.
Beetle Bailey, 2014-09-23.
"Can you take this truck to the dump, Zero?" asks Sgt. Snorkel.
"Okay, Sarge" says Pvt. Zero.
Some time later Zero returns with the ute still loaded full of garbage.
"I'm back from the dump, Sarge" he says. "Where do you want me to take it now?"
With that instruction I'd expect Zero to return on a bus, having left the ute behind.
Curtis, 2014-09-23.
"Did any of you children read during the summer vacation ?" asks Mrs Nelson.
"I did, Mrs. Nelson !" says Curtis. "'Vampire Feast,' 'The Thing From the Deep' and 'Mutant Zombie Landlord'!"
Mrs Nelson glares at him.
"Hey, they had a front cover, back cover and pages in between ! Technically that's a book !!"
I'm with Curtis on this. He's constantly getting flack for reading comics, despite the fact that he's apparently the only student in his class who reads any kind of book at all. It's pretty shitty to criticise him for it.
One Big Happy, 2014-09-24.
"Library lady, these tomatoes are for you. My grandpa grew them!" says Ruthie.
"Why, thank you, Ruthie!" says the library lady. "They're beautiful! Thank your grandpa for me, will you?
"Yes'm."
The library lady takes the tomatoes and begins to leave. James follows her.
"No, James, it's not going to happen."
"I sure enjoy seein' a hefty gal eat!" says James.
The library lady grimaces.
"I know, I know."
Well, that sure is creepy.
Showing posts with label Sitcom Thursday. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sitcom Thursday. Show all posts
2014-09-26
2014-09-19
Sitcom Oneday: Comedy, tragedy, wisdom.
Cul de Sac, 2014-09-16.
"Miss Bliss says she got engaged." says Alice.
"What, to that banjo-playing guy Timmy Fretwork?" asks Petey.
"How'd you know?"
"They keep getting engaged then breaking it off." He gazes into the distance. "Timmy Fretwork is a banjo man! You can't tie down a banjo man!"
"What does that mean?" wonders Alice.
"It means he's a banjo man!" says Dill. "You can't tie down a banjo man!"
It's true, you can't.
Heavenly Nostrils, 2014-09-17.
Phoebe is sitting at her desk in class. Suddenly, the bell rings, startling her.
"The first bell of the school year is always the hardest." she thinks.
If that was the first bell, why is she already in class? Continuity error spotted!
Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 2014-09-18.
"How's Jughaid doin', miz Prunelly ?" asks Loweezy.
"Jughaid is an exceptional student, mizzus Smif !!" says Prunelly. "He's th' furst student I ever had who flunked ev'ry subject !!"
Both she and Loweezy appear to be terribly concerned about this and also completely at a loss as to what to do about it. They simply cannot understand why Jughaid is having so much difficulty or how to help him. It's tragic.
Beetle Bailey, 2014-09-18.
Sgt. Snorkel is standing on a bench. He jumps off, landing on a pumpkin, which is pulverised by his weight.
"There! I squashed all your pumpkins" he says.
"Good!" says Sgt. Jowls. "I'll get busy and bake the pies!"
Well, OK then.
"Miss Bliss says she got engaged." says Alice.
"What, to that banjo-playing guy Timmy Fretwork?" asks Petey.
"How'd you know?"
"They keep getting engaged then breaking it off." He gazes into the distance. "Timmy Fretwork is a banjo man! You can't tie down a banjo man!"
"What does that mean?" wonders Alice.
"It means he's a banjo man!" says Dill. "You can't tie down a banjo man!"
It's true, you can't.
Heavenly Nostrils, 2014-09-17.
Phoebe is sitting at her desk in class. Suddenly, the bell rings, startling her.
"The first bell of the school year is always the hardest." she thinks.
If that was the first bell, why is she already in class? Continuity error spotted!
Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 2014-09-18.
"How's Jughaid doin', miz Prunelly ?" asks Loweezy.
"Jughaid is an exceptional student, mizzus Smif !!" says Prunelly. "He's th' furst student I ever had who flunked ev'ry subject !!"
Both she and Loweezy appear to be terribly concerned about this and also completely at a loss as to what to do about it. They simply cannot understand why Jughaid is having so much difficulty or how to help him. It's tragic.
Beetle Bailey, 2014-09-18.
Sgt. Snorkel is standing on a bench. He jumps off, landing on a pumpkin, which is pulverised by his weight.
"There! I squashed all your pumpkins" he says.
"Good!" says Sgt. Jowls. "I'll get busy and bake the pies!"
Well, OK then.
2014-08-30
Sitcom Saturday: BB, BC and B.
BC, 2014-08-27.
"You can shove that teacup between your nostrils and smash yourself in the face with a steam pipe." yells Cute Chick, pointing to someone off-panel, before walking away with a black cloud floating above her head.
"That escalated quickly." she comments, to no one.
What escalated quickly? There is literally no context for this. The previous day's strip is totally unrelated. It is a mystery.
Beetle Bailey, 2014-08-29.
Amos is going out to play golf.
"Someday we should play a round together" says Martha.
"I don't think you'd like golf" says Amos.
Martha grins slyly. "I wasn't talking about golf".
Amos is either excited or horrified, it's hard to tell.
Blondie, 2014-08-29.
"Sweetheart, your pancakes are ready" calls Blondie from downstairs.
"But I'm running late and haven't finished shaving!" says Dagwood, establishing the the conflict of the drama.
"Hold on! I just had an idea!!" yells Blondie, coming up the stairs with the plate of pancakes. "I'm surprised I didn't think of this a long time ago"
She begins awkwardly feeding the pancakes to Dagwood while he shaves.
"I know..." says Dagwood. "Think of all the times I could have slept in a little longer"
Well, that is just a terrible idea. His pancakes will be covered in shaving foam and blood from when he cuts himself.
"You can shove that teacup between your nostrils and smash yourself in the face with a steam pipe." yells Cute Chick, pointing to someone off-panel, before walking away with a black cloud floating above her head.
"That escalated quickly." she comments, to no one.
What escalated quickly? There is literally no context for this. The previous day's strip is totally unrelated. It is a mystery.
Beetle Bailey, 2014-08-29.
Amos is going out to play golf.
"Someday we should play a round together" says Martha.
"I don't think you'd like golf" says Amos.
Martha grins slyly. "I wasn't talking about golf".
Amos is either excited or horrified, it's hard to tell.
Blondie, 2014-08-29.
"Sweetheart, your pancakes are ready" calls Blondie from downstairs.
"But I'm running late and haven't finished shaving!" says Dagwood, establishing the the conflict of the drama.
"Hold on! I just had an idea!!" yells Blondie, coming up the stairs with the plate of pancakes. "I'm surprised I didn't think of this a long time ago"
She begins awkwardly feeding the pancakes to Dagwood while he shaves.
"I know..." says Dagwood. "Think of all the times I could have slept in a little longer"
Well, that is just a terrible idea. His pancakes will be covered in shaving foam and blood from when he cuts himself.
2014-08-21
Sitcom Thursday: Whingers
The Born Loser, 2014-08-08.
Brutus is on the telephone.
"I'd like a large pizza with goat cheese, green olives, pineapple and extra anchovies." he says.
"You're joking, right?" asks the person he's speaking to. "You don't really want to order your pizza with those toppings, do you?"
"What's the difference?" asks Brutus. "You never get my order right anyway!"
Where to even start with this? How about the pizza. It sounds pretty good. I'd totally eat that. What the hell is pizza guy's problem? Secondly, if this pizza place keeps screwing up Brutus's orders, why is he still ordering from them? There has got to be another pizza place he could call. Thirdly, maybe they'd get your order right, Brutus, if you ordered something that was actually on the menu.
Buni, 2014-08-08.
Buni is walking down the street when a shadowy figure in an alley attracts his attention. It turns out that the bear (I think it's a bear but it's hard to tell) is selling unicorn horns. Buni is horrified at the thought of unicorns being killed for their horns (even though unicorns are arseholes), but the bear is quick to reassure him. These are fake unicorn horns, and so Buni buys one.
Later we see the bear at home, carving a unicorn horn from a bone. Behind him sits a one-legged panda. The implication is that the fake unicorn horns are actually made from panda bones.
Hi and Lois, 2014-08-18.
"Maybe we could watch a movie later, just us." suggests Hiram.
"That would be nice." says Lois. "What should we watch?"
"There are so many we haven't seen." says Hiram.
"Movie night?!" says Dot.
"Pop-corn!" says Ditto.
"Cartoons again." sighs Hiram.
Jesus Christ, Hi, just watch whatever you want after the kids go to bed. Wasn't that your plan originally anyway? If you don't want to watch the kids movie, do something else while it's on.
Pajama Diaries, 2014-08-19.
"School's starting soon." thinks Jill. "Time to wash Jess's backpack."
She tips the contents from the foul-smelling backpack before bleaching and scrubbing it.
"Yeah... no one uses backpacks at middle school." says Jess. "I'm taking a tote."
That stinking backpack full of garbage just sat around like that all summer? Ew. And is the implication here that washing it was unnecessary because Jess doesn't want to use it? I'm pretty sure you'd want to wash it before putting it away anyway, but I guess if that were the case then you already would have.
Brutus is on the telephone.
"I'd like a large pizza with goat cheese, green olives, pineapple and extra anchovies." he says.
"You're joking, right?" asks the person he's speaking to. "You don't really want to order your pizza with those toppings, do you?"
"What's the difference?" asks Brutus. "You never get my order right anyway!"
Where to even start with this? How about the pizza. It sounds pretty good. I'd totally eat that. What the hell is pizza guy's problem? Secondly, if this pizza place keeps screwing up Brutus's orders, why is he still ordering from them? There has got to be another pizza place he could call. Thirdly, maybe they'd get your order right, Brutus, if you ordered something that was actually on the menu.
Buni, 2014-08-08.
Buni is walking down the street when a shadowy figure in an alley attracts his attention. It turns out that the bear (I think it's a bear but it's hard to tell) is selling unicorn horns. Buni is horrified at the thought of unicorns being killed for their horns (even though unicorns are arseholes), but the bear is quick to reassure him. These are fake unicorn horns, and so Buni buys one.
Later we see the bear at home, carving a unicorn horn from a bone. Behind him sits a one-legged panda. The implication is that the fake unicorn horns are actually made from panda bones.
Hi and Lois, 2014-08-18.
"Maybe we could watch a movie later, just us." suggests Hiram.
"That would be nice." says Lois. "What should we watch?"
"There are so many we haven't seen." says Hiram.
"Movie night?!" says Dot.
"Pop-corn!" says Ditto.
"Cartoons again." sighs Hiram.
Jesus Christ, Hi, just watch whatever you want after the kids go to bed. Wasn't that your plan originally anyway? If you don't want to watch the kids movie, do something else while it's on.
Pajama Diaries, 2014-08-19.
"School's starting soon." thinks Jill. "Time to wash Jess's backpack."
She tips the contents from the foul-smelling backpack before bleaching and scrubbing it.
"Yeah... no one uses backpacks at middle school." says Jess. "I'm taking a tote."
That stinking backpack full of garbage just sat around like that all summer? Ew. And is the implication here that washing it was unnecessary because Jess doesn't want to use it? I'm pretty sure you'd want to wash it before putting it away anyway, but I guess if that were the case then you already would have.
2014-08-07
Sitcom Thursday: Kids today! Some gizmo!
Crankshaft, 2014-08-07.
Ed, Pam and Jeff are lined up at a food truck called "Dogs of Death"
"We take a hot dog in a glazed donut bun, coat it with butter, wrap it with cheese and bacon, dip it in our special beer batter and then deep-fry it." says the vendor.
"Hence the name..." says Jeff, as though he's being clever in some way.
That sounds disgusting. Iced doughnuts on their own are pretty bad, but what would possess a person to combine one with a hotdog? The butter is clearly gratuitous, but can't improve matters. Cheese and bacon go fine with a hotdog, but again you run into the problem of the doughnut just ruining everything. And then you further compound the issue by deep-frying it.
I tried to eat a deep-fried hotdog once. It was awful. I'm normally a person who enjoys some horrible, greasy food, especially if it's been sitting in a bain-marie for a while. And there are very few foods I won't eat. Off the top of my head, blue-vein cheese is about the only thing (although I do draw the line at anything that could kill me; I don't care how much better raw milk supposedly tastes, I'll take mine pasteurised). But I couldn't finish a single battered hotdog. I had to throw it out and get something else to eat. This sounds far worse.
Ben, 2014-08-07.
Nicholas is lying on the grass staring intently at a plant. Patty comes out to investigate.
"What're you doing?" she asks.
"Watching this bug." says Nicholas. "It's quite interesting ..."
He continues to watch the bug. Patty returns inside.
"And there he was, just lying outside!" she says. "Fascinated! No video games! No screens of any kind!"
"Wow!" says Nathan, who obviously doesn't care.
Drabble, 2014-08-07.
Patrick is sitting on his bed doing something with his phone. Norm is at his desk doing something with his laptop. Penny is on a beanbag with some kind of phone or tablet. June wanders from room to room, observing them in silence.
"I liked it better in the old days, when their bedroom floors were cluttered with toys!" she thinks.
It's interesting that those two previous comics should appear on the same day, not only as each other, but also as this:
The Buckets, 2014-08-07.
"Look at all this ridiculous twaddle people put on Facebook!" says Frank. "I swear..."
Meanwhile in the past...
"it makes..." says a man watching television.
Further in the past...
"me lose..." says a man listening to the radio.
Still further in the past...
"my faith..." says a man reading a newspaper.
And back to the dawn of man...
"...in humanity." says a caveman, looking at a painting on a cave wall.
Ed, Pam and Jeff are lined up at a food truck called "Dogs of Death"
"We take a hot dog in a glazed donut bun, coat it with butter, wrap it with cheese and bacon, dip it in our special beer batter and then deep-fry it." says the vendor.
"Hence the name..." says Jeff, as though he's being clever in some way.
That sounds disgusting. Iced doughnuts on their own are pretty bad, but what would possess a person to combine one with a hotdog? The butter is clearly gratuitous, but can't improve matters. Cheese and bacon go fine with a hotdog, but again you run into the problem of the doughnut just ruining everything. And then you further compound the issue by deep-frying it.
I tried to eat a deep-fried hotdog once. It was awful. I'm normally a person who enjoys some horrible, greasy food, especially if it's been sitting in a bain-marie for a while. And there are very few foods I won't eat. Off the top of my head, blue-vein cheese is about the only thing (although I do draw the line at anything that could kill me; I don't care how much better raw milk supposedly tastes, I'll take mine pasteurised). But I couldn't finish a single battered hotdog. I had to throw it out and get something else to eat. This sounds far worse.
Ben, 2014-08-07.
Nicholas is lying on the grass staring intently at a plant. Patty comes out to investigate.
"What're you doing?" she asks.
"Watching this bug." says Nicholas. "It's quite interesting ..."
He continues to watch the bug. Patty returns inside.
"And there he was, just lying outside!" she says. "Fascinated! No video games! No screens of any kind!"
"Wow!" says Nathan, who obviously doesn't care.
Drabble, 2014-08-07.
Patrick is sitting on his bed doing something with his phone. Norm is at his desk doing something with his laptop. Penny is on a beanbag with some kind of phone or tablet. June wanders from room to room, observing them in silence.
"I liked it better in the old days, when their bedroom floors were cluttered with toys!" she thinks.
It's interesting that those two previous comics should appear on the same day, not only as each other, but also as this:
The Buckets, 2014-08-07.
"Look at all this ridiculous twaddle people put on Facebook!" says Frank. "I swear..."
Meanwhile in the past...
"it makes..." says a man watching television.
Further in the past...
"me lose..." says a man listening to the radio.
Still further in the past...
"my faith..." says a man reading a newspaper.
And back to the dawn of man...
"...in humanity." says a caveman, looking at a painting on a cave wall.
2014-07-31
Sitcom Thursday: Strips that annoyed me this week
Family Tree, 2014-07-28.
"Mo-om! No way are we going on a whole week's trip with nana!" says the red-haired girl.
The yellow-haired woman smiles condescendingly. "She'll take you wherever you want to go. Just name it!"
"OK." says the girl. "Let's go on the grand tour!"
"Perfect!" says the white-haired woman. "Grand Rapids, Grand Forks and Grand Junction."
"Not even the Grand Ole Opry?" asks the red-haired girl in disbelief.
The yellow-haired woman stares blankly into the distance, clearly thinking about something else.
First let me address the matter of names. I know that these characters have names, and I know that four of the strip's characters are called Ames, Maggie, Twig and Teddy, but I have no ideas who is called what. I went back through the archives a few months and all I discovered was that the boy (who is not in this particular strip) is named Teddy.
It does sound unnatural when characters call each other by name all the time, but there's a reason comic strips do it. It's not because the authors actually think people talk that way, it's so that the reader can work out what everyone's name is.
But the actual reason I posted this strip was the red-haired girl's bizarre request to go on "the grand tour". That's not a thing. No one would make that request. She clearly only said that to set up the response from the white-haired woman. And the joke only works if we assume that "the grand tour" is some specific thing and the white-haired woman is deliberately misinterpreting, but it isn't.
Also, why did yellow-haired woman volunteer white-haired woman to take red-haired girl and Teddy wherever they want? White-haired woman may already have been planning something, she didn't know. And what's with the emphasis on the word "the"?
B.C. 2014-07-29.
Thor is standing behind a rock on which "travel agent" has been written.
"I'd like to travel to a place that likes Americans" says BC.
"I hear Wyoming is nice this time of year." says Thor.
I don't care whether they're in the past or the future (it's definitely the future though), there is no way this strip makes sense within the setting.
Big Nate, 2014-07-30.
"Ooh, this is one of my favorite 'Star Trek: The Next Generation' episodes!" says Nate. "It's the one where -"
Francis interrupts him. "Hold it! I bet I know! Either there's a disruption of the space-time continuum, or a member of the crew is possessed by an alien entity! ... or both! It's both, isn't it?"
"Lucky guess." says Nate, grumpily.
"And... uh-oh! I feel a warp core breach coming on!"
Do you get the impression that Lincoln Pierce doesn't like Star Trek? Although I like TNG, I admit that there are certainly some things that are pretty easy to criticise about it. Francis's complaint in this strip isn't one of them though. The things he mentions did happen in the show, but not with the sort of monotonous regularity implied. The only episode I can think of that combines the elements mentioned is Cause and Effect from season 5, and I don't think that had a warp core breach.
Freshly Squeezed, 2014-07-31.
"And another thing - - the way mom treats dad." says Liz. "You'd think he was her child instead of her husband, the way she coddles him. Letting him eat whatever he wants, watch any sport on TV, doing his laundry and dishes... honestly, is that any way to run a marriage?"
"Uh..." says Sam.
Apparently Liz thinks that a mother should let her children eat whatever they want and watch whatever they want on TV? And that a wife shouldn't let her husband do those things?
"Mo-om! No way are we going on a whole week's trip with nana!" says the red-haired girl.
The yellow-haired woman smiles condescendingly. "She'll take you wherever you want to go. Just name it!"
"OK." says the girl. "Let's go on the grand tour!"
"Perfect!" says the white-haired woman. "Grand Rapids, Grand Forks and Grand Junction."
"Not even the Grand Ole Opry?" asks the red-haired girl in disbelief.
The yellow-haired woman stares blankly into the distance, clearly thinking about something else.
First let me address the matter of names. I know that these characters have names, and I know that four of the strip's characters are called Ames, Maggie, Twig and Teddy, but I have no ideas who is called what. I went back through the archives a few months and all I discovered was that the boy (who is not in this particular strip) is named Teddy.
It does sound unnatural when characters call each other by name all the time, but there's a reason comic strips do it. It's not because the authors actually think people talk that way, it's so that the reader can work out what everyone's name is.
But the actual reason I posted this strip was the red-haired girl's bizarre request to go on "the grand tour". That's not a thing. No one would make that request. She clearly only said that to set up the response from the white-haired woman. And the joke only works if we assume that "the grand tour" is some specific thing and the white-haired woman is deliberately misinterpreting, but it isn't.
Also, why did yellow-haired woman volunteer white-haired woman to take red-haired girl and Teddy wherever they want? White-haired woman may already have been planning something, she didn't know. And what's with the emphasis on the word "the"?
B.C. 2014-07-29.
Thor is standing behind a rock on which "travel agent" has been written.
"I'd like to travel to a place that likes Americans" says BC.
"I hear Wyoming is nice this time of year." says Thor.
I don't care whether they're in the past or the future (it's definitely the future though), there is no way this strip makes sense within the setting.
Big Nate, 2014-07-30.
"Ooh, this is one of my favorite 'Star Trek: The Next Generation' episodes!" says Nate. "It's the one where -"
Francis interrupts him. "Hold it! I bet I know! Either there's a disruption of the space-time continuum, or a member of the crew is possessed by an alien entity! ... or both! It's both, isn't it?"
"Lucky guess." says Nate, grumpily.
"And... uh-oh! I feel a warp core breach coming on!"
Do you get the impression that Lincoln Pierce doesn't like Star Trek? Although I like TNG, I admit that there are certainly some things that are pretty easy to criticise about it. Francis's complaint in this strip isn't one of them though. The things he mentions did happen in the show, but not with the sort of monotonous regularity implied. The only episode I can think of that combines the elements mentioned is Cause and Effect from season 5, and I don't think that had a warp core breach.
Freshly Squeezed, 2014-07-31.
"And another thing - - the way mom treats dad." says Liz. "You'd think he was her child instead of her husband, the way she coddles him. Letting him eat whatever he wants, watch any sport on TV, doing his laundry and dishes... honestly, is that any way to run a marriage?"
"Uh..." says Sam.
Apparently Liz thinks that a mother should let her children eat whatever they want and watch whatever they want on TV? And that a wife shouldn't let her husband do those things?
2014-07-10
Sitcom Thursday: Everyone's favourite character returns!
Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 2014-07-07.
Snuffy stands in the middle of a trashed room. Food, clothes, furniture and miscellaneous items are scattered haphazardly about.
"Loweezy's been gone fer days visitin' her sister !!" says Snuffy to no one. "What's she gonna say when she comes home an' sees th' big mess I made ?!"
"I'll tell ya what she's gonna say..." says Loweezy, walking through the door at that very moment. "Good thing I brought our niece Bizzy Buzz Buzz home wif me !!"
"Unca Snuffy !!" says Bizzy.
Oh, Bizzy Buzz Buzz, we all remember her, right? No? You mean you don't recognise a character who appeared three times in 1964 and never again? Well, surely you remember her four appearances in the Snuffy Smith and Barney Google animated series, also in 1964? No? Well, apparently she's back. And her gimmick is that she likes to clean things. So that's why it was a good thing that Loweezy brought her.
Given that she seems to feature every this week, John Rose has now more than doubled the number of strips she appears in. And it's about time. The fans have been clamouring for her return for fifty years now! I wonder if she'll end up appearing more frequently than Barney Google?
Moose and Molly, 2014-07-08.
The phone rings. Moose answers.
"Molly!" It's a survey!" he calls. "Do you still love me?"
"Tell them I'll give it some thought and call them back!" calls Molly from the next room.
Before Moose can react, Molly is in his arms.
"Just kidding, honey!" she says.
I love this running joke of Molly pretending that she doesn't love Moose any more then instantly taking it back. It's bizarre, and Moose falls for it every time. Also, what kind of survey is this?
Herb and Jamaal, 2014-07-09.
Jamaal has been playing basketball.
"Awesome game, Jamaal." says a child. "You play pretty well."
"That was a nice compliment." thinks Jamaal happily. "And I'm glad he didn't ruin it by saying..."
He scowls.
"for your age."
Jamaal just made himself angry about something that someone didn't say or even imply, but hypothetically could have done.
Hi and Lois, 2014-07-10.
Ditto has set up a lemonade stand.
"How's business?" asks Lois.
"Good!" says Ditto. "Mr. Thurston is my best customer."
"I didn't know he liked lemonade."
"He pours something in it from a little bottle he has in his pocket."
It's funny because "Thirsty" Thurston is an alcoholic.
Snuffy stands in the middle of a trashed room. Food, clothes, furniture and miscellaneous items are scattered haphazardly about.
"Loweezy's been gone fer days visitin' her sister !!" says Snuffy to no one. "What's she gonna say when she comes home an' sees th' big mess I made ?!"
"I'll tell ya what she's gonna say..." says Loweezy, walking through the door at that very moment. "Good thing I brought our niece Bizzy Buzz Buzz home wif me !!"
"Unca Snuffy !!" says Bizzy.
Oh, Bizzy Buzz Buzz, we all remember her, right? No? You mean you don't recognise a character who appeared three times in 1964 and never again? Well, surely you remember her four appearances in the Snuffy Smith and Barney Google animated series, also in 1964? No? Well, apparently she's back. And her gimmick is that she likes to clean things. So that's why it was a good thing that Loweezy brought her.
Given that she seems to feature every this week, John Rose has now more than doubled the number of strips she appears in. And it's about time. The fans have been clamouring for her return for fifty years now! I wonder if she'll end up appearing more frequently than Barney Google?
Moose and Molly, 2014-07-08.
The phone rings. Moose answers.
"Molly!" It's a survey!" he calls. "Do you still love me?"
"Tell them I'll give it some thought and call them back!" calls Molly from the next room.
Before Moose can react, Molly is in his arms.
"Just kidding, honey!" she says.
I love this running joke of Molly pretending that she doesn't love Moose any more then instantly taking it back. It's bizarre, and Moose falls for it every time. Also, what kind of survey is this?
Herb and Jamaal, 2014-07-09.
Jamaal has been playing basketball.
"Awesome game, Jamaal." says a child. "You play pretty well."
"That was a nice compliment." thinks Jamaal happily. "And I'm glad he didn't ruin it by saying..."
He scowls.
"for your age."
Jamaal just made himself angry about something that someone didn't say or even imply, but hypothetically could have done.
Hi and Lois, 2014-07-10.
Ditto has set up a lemonade stand.
"How's business?" asks Lois.
"Good!" says Ditto. "Mr. Thurston is my best customer."
"I didn't know he liked lemonade."
"He pours something in it from a little bottle he has in his pocket."
It's funny because "Thirsty" Thurston is an alcoholic.
2014-07-03
Sitcom Thursday: Bad Comics with Bad Opinions
The Grizzwells, 2014-06-30.
"Be honest..." says Pierpoint. "Does it bother you when I'm constantly apologizing for one thing or another?"
"Actually..." says Gunther, "it drives me crazy"
"I'm sorry to hear that" says Pierpoint.
That's not an apology though. He should have jusat said "Oh. Sorry." That would have been an apology. "I'm sorry to hear that" means you feel sympathy or pity, not that you're taking responsibility for something.
Also, you know that thing some people do where they tell you about something bad that's happened and you say "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that." and they say "It's not your fault."? I hate that. The word "sorry" has more than one meaning. I wasn't implying that I killed your grandmother, I was expressing sympathy, you dickhead.
Dustin, 2014-07-01.
Meg is wearing clothes that reveal her arms, most of her legs and her stomach.
"I got this to wear for our fourth of July cookout." she says. "Are we going to have fireworks?"
"Yes..." says Helen. "Right after your father sees that outfit."
It's funny because Meg thought she could spend her own money to buy clothes that she likes and then wear them, but it turns out that she's female. Ha ha!
Freshly Squeezed, 2014-06-30.
"Oh great!" says Sam sarcastically. "My credit card may have been compromised, so they sent us a new one. It'll take me hours to change the number for all the bills I pay online."
"In my day, we had a simple, secure way of paying for stuff." says Irv, smugly. "We called it 'cash.'"
"I've heard of that." says Sam.
Yeah, there's absolutely no way to steal cash from someone. You'd have to have some method of physically moving small objects and a method of coercion, perhaps involving the threat of violence. There's no way criminals could ever manage it.
"Be honest..." says Pierpoint. "Does it bother you when I'm constantly apologizing for one thing or another?"
"Actually..." says Gunther, "it drives me crazy"
"I'm sorry to hear that" says Pierpoint.
That's not an apology though. He should have jusat said "Oh. Sorry." That would have been an apology. "I'm sorry to hear that" means you feel sympathy or pity, not that you're taking responsibility for something.
Also, you know that thing some people do where they tell you about something bad that's happened and you say "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that." and they say "It's not your fault."? I hate that. The word "sorry" has more than one meaning. I wasn't implying that I killed your grandmother, I was expressing sympathy, you dickhead.
Dustin, 2014-07-01.
Meg is wearing clothes that reveal her arms, most of her legs and her stomach.
"I got this to wear for our fourth of July cookout." she says. "Are we going to have fireworks?"
"Yes..." says Helen. "Right after your father sees that outfit."
It's funny because Meg thought she could spend her own money to buy clothes that she likes and then wear them, but it turns out that she's female. Ha ha!
Freshly Squeezed, 2014-06-30.
"Oh great!" says Sam sarcastically. "My credit card may have been compromised, so they sent us a new one. It'll take me hours to change the number for all the bills I pay online."
"In my day, we had a simple, secure way of paying for stuff." says Irv, smugly. "We called it 'cash.'"
"I've heard of that." says Sam.
Yeah, there's absolutely no way to steal cash from someone. You'd have to have some method of physically moving small objects and a method of coercion, perhaps involving the threat of violence. There's no way criminals could ever manage it.
2014-06-12
Sitcom Thursday: Eating Disorders and Unnecessary Violence
Wee Pals, 2014-06-10.
Oliver and Randy are standing together when they are approached by Connie and Sybil.
"Where have you been?" asks Oliver.
"At Sybil's house." says Connie. "She has a new beauty kit"
"Didn't she let you use it?" asks Oliver.
Soon Oliver is on the ground and seeing stars. Connie, looking angry, is walking away.
"It was worth it!" says Oliver.
You know what? I liked this one better last time. Still, I do cut the man some slack as he was 90, and it was a good joke. I still laughed the second time.
Side note, how is this comic still going? Turner died at the start of the year and we're not seeing re-runs yet. How far ahead was he working?
Blondie, 2014-06-11.
Dagwood rushes into the house as Blondie holds the door open for him.
"I forgot my briefcase!" he says as he passes.
"What about your lunch, dear?!" asks Blondie.
"That's what's in the briefcase!" calls Dagwood as he runs off.
If it had been some work-related stuff in the case I'd have no trouble believing that Dagwood had forgotten it, but his lunch? Absurd.
Moose & Molly, 2014-06-12.
The Millers are attending a wedding.
"A beautiful marriage ceremony!" says Moose to the woman beside him. "What are we having at the reception?"
"It's been cancelled!" says the woman cheerfully. "They're rushing out of town!"
Moose bursts into tears.
"Moose always cries at weddings" says Molly. But actually Moose is crying because he was looking forward to the reception because he assumed that there would be plenty of free food.
Oliver and Randy are standing together when they are approached by Connie and Sybil.
"Where have you been?" asks Oliver.
"At Sybil's house." says Connie. "She has a new beauty kit"
"Didn't she let you use it?" asks Oliver.
Soon Oliver is on the ground and seeing stars. Connie, looking angry, is walking away.
"It was worth it!" says Oliver.
You know what? I liked this one better last time. Still, I do cut the man some slack as he was 90, and it was a good joke. I still laughed the second time.
Side note, how is this comic still going? Turner died at the start of the year and we're not seeing re-runs yet. How far ahead was he working?
Blondie, 2014-06-11.
Dagwood rushes into the house as Blondie holds the door open for him.
"I forgot my briefcase!" he says as he passes.
"What about your lunch, dear?!" asks Blondie.
"That's what's in the briefcase!" calls Dagwood as he runs off.
If it had been some work-related stuff in the case I'd have no trouble believing that Dagwood had forgotten it, but his lunch? Absurd.
Moose & Molly, 2014-06-12.
The Millers are attending a wedding.
"A beautiful marriage ceremony!" says Moose to the woman beside him. "What are we having at the reception?"
"It's been cancelled!" says the woman cheerfully. "They're rushing out of town!"
Moose bursts into tears.
"Moose always cries at weddings" says Molly. But actually Moose is crying because he was looking forward to the reception because he assumed that there would be plenty of free food.
2014-06-05
Sitcom Thursday: Hiram classes it up
Brewster Rockit: Space Guy!, 2014-06-02.
"Smart guns that only work for their owners. Smart cars that steer themselves." says Dr Mel. "Smart gadgets are the future! I'm creating other smart gadgets. Like the smart fork!"
Brewster doesn't reply.
Meanwhile, Cliff is using Mel's new fork.
"I think you've had enough." says the fork.
Mel's a bit behind the times. Those already exist.
Dustin, 2014-06-03.
Meg is writing in her diary.
"Tomorrow I plan to confess my darkest, most closely guarded secret ever." she writes. "A secret so ignominious, that heretofore, I have been unable to risk its disclosure, even here."
Later, as Meg is eating at the kitchen table, Dustin comes into the room.
"Meg, quick question..." he says. "What does 'ignominious' mean?"
Meg is horrified at the realisation that her brother reads her diary.
At first I wondered why Dustin would read Meg's diary. I doubt it can be of any interest to him. But then I realised, he must have known when he asked that question that Meg would realise that he'd been reading it, but he would still have plausible deniability, so the reason becomes clear. He read his sister's diary to annoy her. Fair enough.
Hi and Lois, 2014-06-03.
His is unshaven and dressed casually.
"My book group is coming over." says Lois. "Can you make yourself a little more presentable?"
"OK." says Hi and goes off to do so.
Later, Lois enters the living-room to find Hi seated in an armchair, now dressed in a smoking jacket, monocle and ascot, holding a pipe and a snifter.
"I went for the literary look." he says.
You've got to admire his dedication to the joke. Also the fact that he already owned all those things.
Andy Capp, 2014-06-04.
Andy staggers onto the pitch, hiccuping.
"Fancy turning up for football after being in the pub." says one of his team-mates. "Disgraceful"
"He's in no fit state to play" says another, as Andy collapses.
"Hold on," says the first, "I think he could do a job in goal"
So they get some rope and tie his arms to the top of the goal, hanging him there as a sort of makeshift barrier.
"Smart guns that only work for their owners. Smart cars that steer themselves." says Dr Mel. "Smart gadgets are the future! I'm creating other smart gadgets. Like the smart fork!"
Brewster doesn't reply.
Meanwhile, Cliff is using Mel's new fork.
"I think you've had enough." says the fork.
Mel's a bit behind the times. Those already exist.
Dustin, 2014-06-03.
Meg is writing in her diary.
"Tomorrow I plan to confess my darkest, most closely guarded secret ever." she writes. "A secret so ignominious, that heretofore, I have been unable to risk its disclosure, even here."
Later, as Meg is eating at the kitchen table, Dustin comes into the room.
"Meg, quick question..." he says. "What does 'ignominious' mean?"
Meg is horrified at the realisation that her brother reads her diary.
At first I wondered why Dustin would read Meg's diary. I doubt it can be of any interest to him. But then I realised, he must have known when he asked that question that Meg would realise that he'd been reading it, but he would still have plausible deniability, so the reason becomes clear. He read his sister's diary to annoy her. Fair enough.
Hi and Lois, 2014-06-03.
His is unshaven and dressed casually.
"My book group is coming over." says Lois. "Can you make yourself a little more presentable?"
"OK." says Hi and goes off to do so.
Later, Lois enters the living-room to find Hi seated in an armchair, now dressed in a smoking jacket, monocle and ascot, holding a pipe and a snifter.
"I went for the literary look." he says.
You've got to admire his dedication to the joke. Also the fact that he already owned all those things.
Andy Capp, 2014-06-04.
Andy staggers onto the pitch, hiccuping.
"Fancy turning up for football after being in the pub." says one of his team-mates. "Disgraceful"
"He's in no fit state to play" says another, as Andy collapses.
"Hold on," says the first, "I think he could do a job in goal"
So they get some rope and tie his arms to the top of the goal, hanging him there as a sort of makeshift barrier.
2014-05-29
Sitcom Thursday: Horrific abuses of power
Safe Havens, 2014-05-22.
"Samantha's performing her usual ritual before the lab closes for the summer..." says Rosalind, looking out the window. "...saving the lives of the lab rats by turning them into flowers and planting them outside!"
"More! More!" cry the flowers as Samantha sprinkles something onto them.
"Look, guys." says Samantha. "Someone is gonna notice that this is parmesan cheese..."
The lab rats are sentient, they can speak. They were going to be killed, but instead they were transformed into flowers bymad sorcerer geneticist Samantha Argus. They can still speak, but despite this the university has no problem paving over them, so Sam has to transfer them to her own garden. But then she discovers that when they sneeze (which is a thing they can do) their pollen turns animals into flowers, so she seals them in a glass case for their rest of their lives. Is there any part of this that isn't horrifying?
The Barn, 2014-05-26.
Rory has a desk with a sign on it reading "Rory's Classics". Stan approaches and takes a sheaf of papers from the desk.
"'Gone with the breeze'?" reads Stan.
"Global warming." says Rory.
OK, Ralph Hagen, which part of "more extreme weather conditions" are you having trouble understanding?
Retail, 2014-05-28.
"Lunker did these counts awfully fast, Cooper." says Marla. "Are you sure they're accurate?"
"There are 57 packets in this box..." says Cooper. "Observe."
He dumps the packets onto the ground.
"How many, Lunker?"
"57." says Lunker.
"Why isn't he counting everything?" asks Marla.
"I don't abuse the power of Lunker." says Cooper.
No, seriously though, why isn't he counting everything? How would that in any way be an abuse of power? What the fuck is wrong with you?
Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 2014-05-29.
"Whar's Silas, Elviney ?" asks Loweezy.
"He's in th' back of th' store inspectin' the' canned goods !!" says Elviney. "An' between you an' me -- changin' all th' exp'ration dates !!"
Loweezy is horrified.
Well, now everyone in town is going to know and you're going to beput out of business be run out of town by an angry mob. Nice going, Elviney.
"Samantha's performing her usual ritual before the lab closes for the summer..." says Rosalind, looking out the window. "...saving the lives of the lab rats by turning them into flowers and planting them outside!"
"More! More!" cry the flowers as Samantha sprinkles something onto them.
"Look, guys." says Samantha. "Someone is gonna notice that this is parmesan cheese..."
The lab rats are sentient, they can speak. They were going to be killed, but instead they were transformed into flowers by
The Barn, 2014-05-26.
Rory has a desk with a sign on it reading "Rory's Classics". Stan approaches and takes a sheaf of papers from the desk.
"'Gone with the breeze'?" reads Stan.
"Global warming." says Rory.
OK, Ralph Hagen, which part of "more extreme weather conditions" are you having trouble understanding?
Retail, 2014-05-28.
"Lunker did these counts awfully fast, Cooper." says Marla. "Are you sure they're accurate?"
"There are 57 packets in this box..." says Cooper. "Observe."
He dumps the packets onto the ground.
"How many, Lunker?"
"57." says Lunker.
"Why isn't he counting everything?" asks Marla.
"I don't abuse the power of Lunker." says Cooper.
No, seriously though, why isn't he counting everything? How would that in any way be an abuse of power? What the fuck is wrong with you?
Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 2014-05-29.
"Whar's Silas, Elviney ?" asks Loweezy.
"He's in th' back of th' store inspectin' the' canned goods !!" says Elviney. "An' between you an' me -- changin' all th' exp'ration dates !!"
Loweezy is horrified.
Well, now everyone in town is going to know and you're going to be
2014-05-22
Sitcom Thursday: Straight to the Moon
Crock, 2014-05-16.
"Starting today there'll be extra meat rations for all" says Crock.
The men cheer.
"The men love you, sir" says a legionnaire.
"I loved that ol' horse of mine, too" says Crock.
I guess the implication here is supposed to be that the extra meat ration is horse, so, ha ha, it's funny 'cause they're eating horse. But they're in the French foreign legion, and horse meat is actually eaten in France. This strip only works if you ignore the entire premise of the comic.
Beetle Bailey, 2014-05-20.
Sgt. Snorkel examines what appears to be an almost life-size statue of Pvt. Bailey.
"What's that?" he asks. "It sort of looks like Beetle."
"I built it..." says Cpl. Yo. "It's a robot"
"How does it work?" asks the sergeant.
"It doesn't!" says Yo, happily.
Oh, just like the real Beetle. I get it.
Seriously though, Cpl. Yo made a statue just so he could do this joke. That's dedication.
Hi and Lois, 2014-05-20.
Hi is at work when his phone rings.
"Who is this?" he asks.
"Abercrombie. You garbage man." says the person on the other end of the call. "Has your wife talked to you about all this stuff she's throwing away?"
Meanwhile at the Flagston residence, Abercrombie is indeed on the phone to Hi and is looking at a pile of things that have been left out for him to take away, including some records, sporting equipment and an old TV.
People in comic strips have really weird relationships with the garbage collectors. My garbage gets taken away by people I don't know and have never met. I don't even know what time they come around.
Beetle Bailey, 2014-05-21.
Pvt. Bailey and Sheila are sitting on a bench together by the ocean.
"Beautiful moon!" says Bailey.
"Did I ever tell you of my trip to the moon?" asks Sheila.
"You took a trip to the moon?" asks Beetle. "When?"
"The first time you kissed me" says Sheila.
The thing I love about this is that Beetle is absolutely ready to believe that Miss Buxley has been to the moon, he just doesn't remember her being away.
"Starting today there'll be extra meat rations for all" says Crock.
The men cheer.
"The men love you, sir" says a legionnaire.
"I loved that ol' horse of mine, too" says Crock.
I guess the implication here is supposed to be that the extra meat ration is horse, so, ha ha, it's funny 'cause they're eating horse. But they're in the French foreign legion, and horse meat is actually eaten in France. This strip only works if you ignore the entire premise of the comic.
Beetle Bailey, 2014-05-20.
Sgt. Snorkel examines what appears to be an almost life-size statue of Pvt. Bailey.
"What's that?" he asks. "It sort of looks like Beetle."
"I built it..." says Cpl. Yo. "It's a robot"
"How does it work?" asks the sergeant.
"It doesn't!" says Yo, happily.
Oh, just like the real Beetle. I get it.
Seriously though, Cpl. Yo made a statue just so he could do this joke. That's dedication.
Hi and Lois, 2014-05-20.
Hi is at work when his phone rings.
"Who is this?" he asks.
"Abercrombie. You garbage man." says the person on the other end of the call. "Has your wife talked to you about all this stuff she's throwing away?"
Meanwhile at the Flagston residence, Abercrombie is indeed on the phone to Hi and is looking at a pile of things that have been left out for him to take away, including some records, sporting equipment and an old TV.
People in comic strips have really weird relationships with the garbage collectors. My garbage gets taken away by people I don't know and have never met. I don't even know what time they come around.
Beetle Bailey, 2014-05-21.
Pvt. Bailey and Sheila are sitting on a bench together by the ocean.
"Beautiful moon!" says Bailey.
"Did I ever tell you of my trip to the moon?" asks Sheila.
"You took a trip to the moon?" asks Beetle. "When?"
"The first time you kissed me" says Sheila.
The thing I love about this is that Beetle is absolutely ready to believe that Miss Buxley has been to the moon, he just doesn't remember her being away.
2014-05-16
Sitcom Thursday: Timely and Relevant
Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 2014-05-09.
Uriah is delivering the mail.
"Uh-oh..." he says, looking up. "Looks like rain !!"
Fortunately he has an umbrella for himself and a small umbrella which he attaches to his mailbag so that the letters don't get wet. It's just a pity that no one in Hootin' Holler can read.
Retail, 2014-05-12.
"Can I see your I.D., please?" asks Val.
"What for?" demands the customer.
"You wrote 'See I.D.' on the back of your credit card." says Val.
"-Huff- Of course the cashier only looks at it when I'm in a hurry." says the customer. "What a hassle."
"You're welcome?" says Val.
Did you know that writing "See ID" on your credit card is dumb and pointless? Because it is. If you wrote it instead of signing then your card isn't valid and, although most retail staff won't press the issue, they shouldn't actually accept it. If you did sign it then the card is valid and the staff have no right to see your ID regardless of what may be written on your credit card.
Shoe, 2014-05-13.
Skyler is taking a test at school. The first question is "Who was behind the first moon launch?" He thinks for a moment before writing "Ralph Kramden."
This is a comic strip that was published in 2014. Not 1970, 2014.
Uriah is delivering the mail.
"Uh-oh..." he says, looking up. "Looks like rain !!"
Fortunately he has an umbrella for himself and a small umbrella which he attaches to his mailbag so that the letters don't get wet. It's just a pity that no one in Hootin' Holler can read.
Retail, 2014-05-12.
"Can I see your I.D., please?" asks Val.
"What for?" demands the customer.
"You wrote 'See I.D.' on the back of your credit card." says Val.
"-Huff- Of course the cashier only looks at it when I'm in a hurry." says the customer. "What a hassle."
"You're welcome?" says Val.
Did you know that writing "See ID" on your credit card is dumb and pointless? Because it is. If you wrote it instead of signing then your card isn't valid and, although most retail staff won't press the issue, they shouldn't actually accept it. If you did sign it then the card is valid and the staff have no right to see your ID regardless of what may be written on your credit card.
Shoe, 2014-05-13.
Skyler is taking a test at school. The first question is "Who was behind the first moon launch?" He thinks for a moment before writing "Ralph Kramden."
This is a comic strip that was published in 2014. Not 1970, 2014.
2014-05-08
Sitcom Thursday: Medieval Attitudes About Women
Shoe, 2014-05-05.
"Biz, are you wearing your dentures?..." asks Roz.
"No." says Biz.
"Well, let me get you something you can sink your tooth into."
Both of them are birds.
I know I just covered this with Pluggers yesterday, but come on, birds with teeth again?
Hägar the Horrible, 2014-05-06.
"Sir Knight !" call Hägar. "We haven't seen you in ages ! Come sneak up with us on an enemy castle!"
"I've been out of commission for so long I might be a liability!" answers Knight.
"He's right..." says Lucky Eddie, noticing that Knight's armour squeaks when he moves. "He might!"
Given that Knight is wearing full plate armour and a helmet that covers his face, how did Hägar know it was him? And is his name really Sir Knight? Also, he seems pretty cavalier about joining a group of Vikings to attack some castle.
Curtis, 2014-05-08.
"Number one, never take your lady for granted" says Greg.
Curtis listens wearily.
"Number one, give her little gifts for no reason..." continues Greg. "Number one, never have another woman's number saved on your phone..."
Curtis slumps forward.
"Number one, make her feel that without her, your life would be trash"
"We've been at this for two hours, dad!" complains Curtis. "When does this list end?"
"Hey, we're past the halfway mark!" says Greg, smugly.
On no account should you ever make the mistake of thinking of a woman as a human being like yourself. They're more like robots. You just have to know the rules and follow them to get what you want.
Ah, and one of those rules is that you can't have any female friends, apparently. Or colleagues you might need to phone. Not that that should be a problem, because why would you have female friends? As though a man could ever have any reason to associate with a woman he doesn't want to have sex with. Absurd. And as for the work colleague thing, why would you need to phone your secretary? And if you do, just call your own office and she'll answer.
Marvin & Family, 2014-05-08.
"Where are you going, Jeff?" asks Jenny.
"It's a little too close to Mother's Day to answer that question" says Jeff, leaving the house.
"You told Jenny you're Mother's Day shopping?" asks Ted later at the pub.
"I never actually said that" smirks Jeff.
Hey, he might have deliberately deceived her by making a misleading statement, but there's no way anyone could equate that with lying, right? Besides, how is a man supposed to get some time to spend with his friends if he doesn't lie to his nagging wife, right guys?
Wizard of Id, 2014-05-08.
A prisoner hangs by his wrists in the castle dungeon.
"I'll not talk without my lawyer present" he says.
In the second panel a man in a top hat is hanging next to him.
"Thanks a heap, friend!" says the new arrival.
The implication is that the second man is the first man's lawyer, and so he has been arrested as a deliberate misinterpretation of the prisoner's demand.
"Biz, are you wearing your dentures?..." asks Roz.
"No." says Biz.
"Well, let me get you something you can sink your tooth into."
Both of them are birds.
I know I just covered this with Pluggers yesterday, but come on, birds with teeth again?
Hägar the Horrible, 2014-05-06.
"Sir Knight !" call Hägar. "We haven't seen you in ages ! Come sneak up with us on an enemy castle!"
"I've been out of commission for so long I might be a liability!" answers Knight.
"He's right..." says Lucky Eddie, noticing that Knight's armour squeaks when he moves. "He might!"
Given that Knight is wearing full plate armour and a helmet that covers his face, how did Hägar know it was him? And is his name really Sir Knight? Also, he seems pretty cavalier about joining a group of Vikings to attack some castle.
Curtis, 2014-05-08.
"Number one, never take your lady for granted" says Greg.
Curtis listens wearily.
"Number one, give her little gifts for no reason..." continues Greg. "Number one, never have another woman's number saved on your phone..."
Curtis slumps forward.
"Number one, make her feel that without her, your life would be trash"
"We've been at this for two hours, dad!" complains Curtis. "When does this list end?"
"Hey, we're past the halfway mark!" says Greg, smugly.
On no account should you ever make the mistake of thinking of a woman as a human being like yourself. They're more like robots. You just have to know the rules and follow them to get what you want.
Ah, and one of those rules is that you can't have any female friends, apparently. Or colleagues you might need to phone. Not that that should be a problem, because why would you have female friends? As though a man could ever have any reason to associate with a woman he doesn't want to have sex with. Absurd. And as for the work colleague thing, why would you need to phone your secretary? And if you do, just call your own office and she'll answer.
Marvin & Family, 2014-05-08.
"Where are you going, Jeff?" asks Jenny.
"It's a little too close to Mother's Day to answer that question" says Jeff, leaving the house.
"You told Jenny you're Mother's Day shopping?" asks Ted later at the pub.
"I never actually said that" smirks Jeff.
Hey, he might have deliberately deceived her by making a misleading statement, but there's no way anyone could equate that with lying, right? Besides, how is a man supposed to get some time to spend with his friends if he doesn't lie to his nagging wife, right guys?
Wizard of Id, 2014-05-08.
A prisoner hangs by his wrists in the castle dungeon.
"I'll not talk without my lawyer present" he says.
In the second panel a man in a top hat is hanging next to him.
"Thanks a heap, friend!" says the new arrival.
The implication is that the second man is the first man's lawyer, and so he has been arrested as a deliberate misinterpretation of the prisoner's demand.
2014-05-01
Sitcom Thursday: Political Correctness Gone Mad!
Todd the Dinosaur, 2014-04-30.
"Well, these are the last comic books I'll ever buy!" says Todd. "This political correctness stuff has just run amok!"
"Let me see" asks Trent. "'Bat Person'?"
"Yeah," says Todd, "it was on the rack right next to this one"
"'Very Helpful Person'?" reads Trent.
"Yep. They thought 'Superman' would hurt regular people's self-esteem"
God, where to even start with this bullshit. First, I guess, with the fact that this is just fucking dumb as shit. This goes so far beyond straw-manning that surely even the "political correctness gone mad" people must think this is dumb.
Secondly, why is Trent reading out the names of the comics? This is a comic strip, a visual medium, you could just show the covers. You could even fit some additional jokes in on those covers — although I suppose that having additional jokes would require there to be some jokes to begin with.
Thirdly, it's not like the premise of a more PC Batman (or Superman) doesn't have potential. You could do something with Batman not beating up criminals because they're actually mentally ill people who should be treated with care and compassion, but Patrick Roberts hasn't even thought about it enough to get that far.
Also, the idea that super-hero comics are being written and drawn by social justice warriors is laughably absurd to anyone who's seen them. You could probably get a joke out of that, too, but it would also require more effort than Roberts is willing to put into his incredibly easy job that he gets paid real money to do.
Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 2014-04-30.
"I ain't spyin'," says Roy, holding a pair of binoculars, "I'm keepin' us safe !!"
"Shore ya are, Roy !!" says Snuffy. "From all th' purty gals that go by !!"
Roy grins sheepishly.
You can't even look at pretty girls without being accused of something these days, it's political correctness gone mad!
Beetle Bailey, 2014-04-29.
"Sarge, you really annoy me!!" yells Lt. Fuzz. "You're a ☼ a ♯♯! A ȸȹȸ! And a ⇜!!"
He takes a breath and smiles warmly. "How's that?
"A little better, sir. I felt a slight twinge of anger" says Sgt. Snorkel. "But keep practicing, sir"
Can't even use real swearwords! Political correctness gone mad!
Baby Blues, 2014-04-30.
"No! No! You keep hitting the rim!" yells Wanda. "Try to get a little more arc on it. Good shot!"
"Is mom playing basketball with Hammie?" asks Darryl.
"No, it's just bathroom practice." says Zoe.
No, you're not misinterpreting that, it's a comic about pissing on the floor. Political correctness gone mad? Something's gone mad, of that I'm sure.
"Well, these are the last comic books I'll ever buy!" says Todd. "This political correctness stuff has just run amok!"
"Let me see" asks Trent. "'Bat Person'?"
"Yeah," says Todd, "it was on the rack right next to this one"
"'Very Helpful Person'?" reads Trent.
"Yep. They thought 'Superman' would hurt regular people's self-esteem"
God, where to even start with this bullshit. First, I guess, with the fact that this is just fucking dumb as shit. This goes so far beyond straw-manning that surely even the "political correctness gone mad" people must think this is dumb.
Secondly, why is Trent reading out the names of the comics? This is a comic strip, a visual medium, you could just show the covers. You could even fit some additional jokes in on those covers — although I suppose that having additional jokes would require there to be some jokes to begin with.
Thirdly, it's not like the premise of a more PC Batman (or Superman) doesn't have potential. You could do something with Batman not beating up criminals because they're actually mentally ill people who should be treated with care and compassion, but Patrick Roberts hasn't even thought about it enough to get that far.
Also, the idea that super-hero comics are being written and drawn by social justice warriors is laughably absurd to anyone who's seen them. You could probably get a joke out of that, too, but it would also require more effort than Roberts is willing to put into his incredibly easy job that he gets paid real money to do.
Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 2014-04-30.
"I ain't spyin'," says Roy, holding a pair of binoculars, "I'm keepin' us safe !!"
"Shore ya are, Roy !!" says Snuffy. "From all th' purty gals that go by !!"
Roy grins sheepishly.
You can't even look at pretty girls without being accused of something these days, it's political correctness gone mad!
Beetle Bailey, 2014-04-29.
"Sarge, you really annoy me!!" yells Lt. Fuzz. "You're a ☼ a ♯♯! A ȸȹȸ! And a ⇜!!"
He takes a breath and smiles warmly. "How's that?
"A little better, sir. I felt a slight twinge of anger" says Sgt. Snorkel. "But keep practicing, sir"
Can't even use real swearwords! Political correctness gone mad!
Baby Blues, 2014-04-30.
"No! No! You keep hitting the rim!" yells Wanda. "Try to get a little more arc on it. Good shot!"
"Is mom playing basketball with Hammie?" asks Darryl.
"No, it's just bathroom practice." says Zoe.
No, you're not misinterpreting that, it's a comic about pissing on the floor. Political correctness gone mad? Something's gone mad, of that I'm sure.
2014-04-24
Sitcom Thursday: Signs of Madness
Herb and Jamaal, 2014-04-24.
Jamaal is lying in bed, clutching the covers in apparent fear.
"Sometimes in quiet moments, I believe I hear voices..." he thinks, "... that put ideas in my head. But even though I know the voices aren't real..."
He begins smiling.
"...They still have some pretty good ideas."
Well, that's creepy.
This week Curtis paid a visit to Gunther the barber, where it turned out that Gunther's sister, a fashion designer from Las Vegas (whose name is apparently "Babygirl") was coming to visit. She arrived in a limousine.
Curtis, 2014-04-23.
"I haven't seen you, Babygirl, in a month of Sundays" says Gunther.
"Hhhhow have you been, dear brother?" asks Babygirl.
"Fine!" says Gunther. "And how's life treatin' you?"
"Champagne, caviar and chauffeurs, dahhling! Oh! I take my breath away!" says Babygirl. "I lead a faaabulous life in faaabulous Las Vegas as the premiere fashion designer to only the most faaabulous celebrities and stars! There ain't no bones in ice-cream, honey"
Curtis laughs uproariously, as though something funny just happened. Gunther gives him a confused look.
Jamaal is lying in bed, clutching the covers in apparent fear.
"Sometimes in quiet moments, I believe I hear voices..." he thinks, "... that put ideas in my head. But even though I know the voices aren't real..."
He begins smiling.
"...They still have some pretty good ideas."
Well, that's creepy.
This week Curtis paid a visit to Gunther the barber, where it turned out that Gunther's sister, a fashion designer from Las Vegas (whose name is apparently "Babygirl") was coming to visit. She arrived in a limousine.
Curtis, 2014-04-23.
"I haven't seen you, Babygirl, in a month of Sundays" says Gunther.
"Hhhhow have you been, dear brother?" asks Babygirl.
"Fine!" says Gunther. "And how's life treatin' you?"
"Champagne, caviar and chauffeurs, dahhling! Oh! I take my breath away!" says Babygirl. "I lead a faaabulous life in faaabulous Las Vegas as the premiere fashion designer to only the most faaabulous celebrities and stars! There ain't no bones in ice-cream, honey"
Curtis laughs uproariously, as though something funny just happened. Gunther gives him a confused look.
2014-04-17
Sitcom Thursday: Two dumb comics and an inappropriate one
Hey, did you know it's tax time in America? Well, for those Americans who forgot about it, fortunately every single comic is here to remind you. Although many of them have absolutely no clue how taxes work. Take Blondie for example.
Blondie, 2014-04-15.
"April 15th is here, Bumstead!" says Julius, coyly. "Did you want to thank me for something?"
"Nope!" says Dagwood. "I have my pride!!"
He returns to his desk and sits down. Julius follows.
"I'd rather get dragged through a carwash by my cowlicks!"
"Oh, just say it!" implores Julius.
"Okaay!!!" screams Dagwood, dropping to his knees in supplication. "Thank you for keeping me in the lowest possible tax bracket!!!"
"Atta boy!" says Julius.
Taxes don't fucking work like that! Being paid less is not better! This idea that higher taxes on higher incomes means it's not worth earning more is utter fucking bullshit that totally ignores the way income tax is calculated!
Beetle Bailey, 2014-04-16.
"What's Miss Buxley doing out here?" asks Gen. Halftrack.
"Attempting to fellate a tank." says Maj. Greenbrass.
"Beetle's driving a tank in today's war games" says Maj. Greenbrass.
"Good luck, Beetle" says Sheila, kissing a tank's gun.
"Thanks Bux" says Pvt. Bailey, from within the tank.
Zits, 2014-04-14.
"Mrs, Duncan! Is that you in this photo?" asks Sara.
"Yes." says Connie. "It's from summer camp when I was about your age."
"I love the filter you used to give it that faded, old-timey look!" says Sara.
"Filter??" says Connie, incredulously.
"Just take it as a compliment and move on." says Walt, resignedly.
Seriously? This is just dumb.
Blondie, 2014-04-15.
"April 15th is here, Bumstead!" says Julius, coyly. "Did you want to thank me for something?"
"Nope!" says Dagwood. "I have my pride!!"
He returns to his desk and sits down. Julius follows.
"I'd rather get dragged through a carwash by my cowlicks!"
"Oh, just say it!" implores Julius.
"Okaay!!!" screams Dagwood, dropping to his knees in supplication. "Thank you for keeping me in the lowest possible tax bracket!!!"
"Atta boy!" says Julius.
Taxes don't fucking work like that! Being paid less is not better! This idea that higher taxes on higher incomes means it's not worth earning more is utter fucking bullshit that totally ignores the way income tax is calculated!
Beetle Bailey, 2014-04-16.
"What's Miss Buxley doing out here?" asks Gen. Halftrack.
"Beetle's driving a tank in today's war games" says Maj. Greenbrass.
"Good luck, Beetle" says Sheila, kissing a tank's gun.
"Thanks Bux" says Pvt. Bailey, from within the tank.
Zits, 2014-04-14.
"Mrs, Duncan! Is that you in this photo?" asks Sara.
"Yes." says Connie. "It's from summer camp when I was about your age."
"I love the filter you used to give it that faded, old-timey look!" says Sara.
"Filter??" says Connie, incredulously.
"Just take it as a compliment and move on." says Walt, resignedly.
Seriously? This is just dumb.
2014-04-11
Sitcom Thursday: Relationship Drama
Beetle Bailey, 2014-04-07.
"Sarge is really mad that Beetle is still in bed" says Pvt. Diller.
"He's going to dump him" says Pvt. Plato.
Sgt. Snorkel kicks Pvt. Bailey's bed, knocking it vertical. Beetle remains in the bed as he has put a large belt around the bed and himself, presumably as a form of protection against this very eventuality.
"It's a good thing he has his seat belt on" remarks Diller.
Well? Don't leave us hanging, Mort Walker. Did Sarge dump Beetle or are they still going out?
Hägar the Horrible, 2014-04-07.
"I sail for England today !!" announces Hägar. "Can I get you something there?"
"Please bring back another wife" says Helga.
Hägar the Polygamist?
B.C. 2014-04-08.
Curls and Peter are sitting on a rock in the middle of a vast expanse of water.
"What?" says Curls, confrontationally.
"This is why we don't go mountain climbing during the spring thaw!" says Peter.
Surely the top of a mountain is the only safe place to be if the water level has risen that high?
Henry, 2014-04-10.
Henry sees an advertisement for some "pure vegetable egg-dye" for colouring Easter eggs. After making up the dye he feeds it to a hen in the hopes that the eggs laid by that hen will be colourful.
"Sarge is really mad that Beetle is still in bed" says Pvt. Diller.
"He's going to dump him" says Pvt. Plato.
Sgt. Snorkel kicks Pvt. Bailey's bed, knocking it vertical. Beetle remains in the bed as he has put a large belt around the bed and himself, presumably as a form of protection against this very eventuality.
"It's a good thing he has his seat belt on" remarks Diller.
Well? Don't leave us hanging, Mort Walker. Did Sarge dump Beetle or are they still going out?
Hägar the Horrible, 2014-04-07.
"I sail for England today !!" announces Hägar. "Can I get you something there?"
"Please bring back another wife" says Helga.
Hägar the Polygamist?
B.C. 2014-04-08.
Curls and Peter are sitting on a rock in the middle of a vast expanse of water.
"What?" says Curls, confrontationally.
"This is why we don't go mountain climbing during the spring thaw!" says Peter.
Surely the top of a mountain is the only safe place to be if the water level has risen that high?
Henry, 2014-04-10.
Henry sees an advertisement for some "pure vegetable egg-dye" for colouring Easter eggs. After making up the dye he feeds it to a hen in the hopes that the eggs laid by that hen will be colourful.
2014-04-03
Sitcom Thursday: Gluttony and Failure
Wizard of Id, 2014-03-31.
The wizard and his wife, Blanch, are enjoying a drink together in a restaurant when a nearby man winks suggestively at Blanch.
"That man just insulted me!" she says.
The wizard stands up, walks over to the man and slaps him in the face. The text "-175 hp" appears above the man's head in large, black type.
"What the heck was that?" he asks, apparently more confused than injured.
"The wizard's version of a whoopin'" says the wizard with a grin.
I must confess, I don't understand this strip. The HP loss is obviously a video game reference, but how is it a wizardly thing? And the guy didn't actually seem to be hurt, so a wizard's version of "a whoopin'" is apparently a light slap and some nonsensical numbers? What?
Beetle Bailey, 2014-04-02.
Gen. Halftrack and Sheila Buxley are looking at a large line graph labelled "Camp Swampy's Progress Chart". The horizontal axis is labelled with the years from 2005 to 2014. The line representing the camp's progress zigzags up and downbut remains around the same level, with the exception of one notable dip toward the end of 2005 and a rise around the end of 2011.
"I dunno," says the general glumly, "we just don't seem to be making any progress"
"But you always said 2011 was your banner year" says Sheila.
What is camp Swampy supposed to be progressing toward anyway?
Baldo, 2014-04-03.
Cruz is sitting at a table eating a hamburger. Beside him sits Rayna's telepresence robot. Another hamburger sits in front of the robot. As Cruz finishes his burger hea reaches over and takes Rayna's tray, placing it on top of his own, then begins to eat her burger as well.
"You're the best lunch partner ever!" he says.
I really don't think this would work. I'm assuming that each student gets a free burger (because if they're paying for them then there wouldn't be any advantage to this scheme, he could just buy two burgers for himself) but I doubt the staff would be swayed by the argument that Rayna should be provided with a lunch that she can't possibly eat, given that she isn't physically present.
It's also kind of weird that Rayna has no dialogue in this strip. Her face doesn't even seem to move.
The wizard and his wife, Blanch, are enjoying a drink together in a restaurant when a nearby man winks suggestively at Blanch.
"That man just insulted me!" she says.
The wizard stands up, walks over to the man and slaps him in the face. The text "-175 hp" appears above the man's head in large, black type.
"What the heck was that?" he asks, apparently more confused than injured.
"The wizard's version of a whoopin'" says the wizard with a grin.
I must confess, I don't understand this strip. The HP loss is obviously a video game reference, but how is it a wizardly thing? And the guy didn't actually seem to be hurt, so a wizard's version of "a whoopin'" is apparently a light slap and some nonsensical numbers? What?
Beetle Bailey, 2014-04-02.
Gen. Halftrack and Sheila Buxley are looking at a large line graph labelled "Camp Swampy's Progress Chart". The horizontal axis is labelled with the years from 2005 to 2014. The line representing the camp's progress zigzags up and downbut remains around the same level, with the exception of one notable dip toward the end of 2005 and a rise around the end of 2011.
"I dunno," says the general glumly, "we just don't seem to be making any progress"
"But you always said 2011 was your banner year" says Sheila.
What is camp Swampy supposed to be progressing toward anyway?
Baldo, 2014-04-03.
Cruz is sitting at a table eating a hamburger. Beside him sits Rayna's telepresence robot. Another hamburger sits in front of the robot. As Cruz finishes his burger hea reaches over and takes Rayna's tray, placing it on top of his own, then begins to eat her burger as well.
"You're the best lunch partner ever!" he says.
I really don't think this would work. I'm assuming that each student gets a free burger (because if they're paying for them then there wouldn't be any advantage to this scheme, he could just buy two burgers for himself) but I doubt the staff would be swayed by the argument that Rayna should be provided with a lunch that she can't possibly eat, given that she isn't physically present.
It's also kind of weird that Rayna has no dialogue in this strip. Her face doesn't even seem to move.
2014-03-27
Sitcom Thursday: Surrealism, Nihilism, Solipsism
Lost in an endless void, Fred Basset looks around himself but sees no one.
"Is there anyone out there?!" he thinks, beginning to panic.
There is not.
"What's going on?" asks Major Greenbrass.
"The general is having a fight with his wife" says Sheila. "And he's trying to negotiate a truce"
The general is in a tank, his head sticking out of the hatch in the top. Martha stands in front of the tank, rolling pin in hand, glaring at him.
"I'll put the tank back if you'll put the rolling pin down" says Gen. Halftrack.
Pvt. Bailey and Sgt. Snorkel are in a jeep together. Snorkel seems a little worried.
"Where did you get the gas this morning?" he asks.
"At the airport" says Bailey.
"I thought so" replies Snorkel.
The camera pans out to reveal the jeep is not, as might be expected, on the road, but is actually soaring through the air far above Camp Swampy.
Pvt. Bailey is driving a jeep (on the road this time) when he spots a moose on the side of the road. Surprisingly, the moose appears to be attempting to hitch-hike. Later, Bailey and the moose arrive at Camp Swampy.
"Why are you giving him a ride?" asks Sgt. Snorkel.
"Because if I didn't you wouldn't have believed me" explains Bailey.
"Is there anyone out there?!" he thinks, beginning to panic.
There is not.
"What's going on?" asks Major Greenbrass.
"The general is having a fight with his wife" says Sheila. "And he's trying to negotiate a truce"
The general is in a tank, his head sticking out of the hatch in the top. Martha stands in front of the tank, rolling pin in hand, glaring at him.
"I'll put the tank back if you'll put the rolling pin down" says Gen. Halftrack.
Pvt. Bailey and Sgt. Snorkel are in a jeep together. Snorkel seems a little worried.
"Where did you get the gas this morning?" he asks.
"At the airport" says Bailey.
"I thought so" replies Snorkel.
The camera pans out to reveal the jeep is not, as might be expected, on the road, but is actually soaring through the air far above Camp Swampy.
Pvt. Bailey is driving a jeep (on the road this time) when he spots a moose on the side of the road. Surprisingly, the moose appears to be attempting to hitch-hike. Later, Bailey and the moose arrive at Camp Swampy.
"Why are you giving him a ride?" asks Sgt. Snorkel.
"Because if I didn't you wouldn't have believed me" explains Bailey.
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