Honestly, I only modified two of these comics

Based on the 2013-12-19 Marmaduke strip.

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The Pajama Diaries, 2013-12-19.

Is it just me, or is anyone else surprised that this got published in newspapers? I mean, the joke here is that she is about to have sex with her tablet, right? And she's wearing only her underwear. This is basically an invitation for letters of complaint.

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Based on the 2013-12-19 On The Fast Rack strip.

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As Henry is walking down the street a boy runs past him going in the opposite direction. Another boy follows close behind him.
"A big milk truck upset, Henry!" calls the second boy as he passes.
Henry quickly runs home to fetch his cats.

Henry, 2013-12-19.

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"Thar's Doc Pritchart an' Snuffy headed fer th' community Chris'mas party !!" says Elviney.
Snuffy and Pritchart are dressed as Santa and an elf, and although Snuffy is short and the doctor is tall, Snuffy is Santa and Doc is the elf.
"Not eg'zactly masters of th' obvious, are they ?" muses Lukey.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 2013-12-19.

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Apartment 3-G, 2013-12-19.

"We'll stay in touch." says Lu Ann, probably even meaning it. But this is Apartment 3-G, so you can pretty much guarantee that this is the last we'll ever hear of Cole or Marty. I wonder who Lu Ann will get engaged to next month?

Also, it seems like a while since we've heard anything of Margo, so hopefully she'll make up for her absence with a particularly crazy Christmas/new year's eve story.

Also Tommie still exists, presumably.

Poverty and mental illness

"Can I borry two items from you, Elviney ?" asks Loweezy sadly.
"Shore, Loweezy, whatta you need ?" asks Elviney.
"Food and' drink !!" says Loweezy. She tries to laugh it off, but Elviney knows it's no joke, the Smifs are living in poverty just like everyone else in Hootin' Holler.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 2013-12-17.

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Ziggy is at a restaurant. A large sign informs customers that the "Tuna Surprise" is just $8.95. Ziggy looks over his shoulder, just in time to see the head of a giant fish peeking around a nearby door, giggling to itself.

Ziggy, 2013-12-17.

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Fred Basset, 2013-12-17.

Reading, it, you can see exactly how this comic came about. Michael Martin was trying to come up with an idea for a comic and he hit on the old standby of "technology is confusing". So he thought about something he'd had difficulty with recently, his new digital camera. But then he looked at the instructions and found that it was actually pretty straight-forward. So what was he going to do then, come up with another idea? Of course not. He just made up some nonsense instructions to make it seem more complicated, because the target audience for Fred Basset certainly isn't going to call him on it.

Small mercies

Wizard of Id, 2013-12-16.

Thank god they're not naked.

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Mother Goose and Grimm are at a restaurant.
"Red or white with your entrée?" asks the waiter, holding up a bottle of red wine in one hand and a bottle of white wine in the other.
"White" says Mother Goose, holding up a martini glass and smirking. "... with olives".
The waiter is dismayed. It seems that this establishment has only two varieties of wine and no other drink options. Grimm smirks nastily, enjoying the waiter's discomfort.

Mother Goose and Grimm, 2013-12-16.

It's pretty easy to tell chocolate and Vegemite apart

Heathcliff discovers an abnormally large mouse-hole in the wall and sticks his head in to see what's going on. He finds two adult mice standing behind a younger mouse. One of the adults is wearing an apron and a bow, the child is wearing a gi, the other mouse is naked.

The child takes a fighting stance.
"Watch out -" says the naked mouse. "He's  an orange belt."

Heathcliff slowly backs away and resolves never to speak of or think about what he has just witnessed.

Heathcliff, 2013-12-13.

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Ginger Meggs, 2013-12-13.

I don't think this would work. Firstly, Vegemite's darker than most chocolate, and secondly you'd notice when you tried to pick it up that it wasn't solid.

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"Look, mister Capp, this can't go on." says the doctor. "You're going to have to stop drinking."
"Why, doc?" asks Andy.
"Because I'm trying to examine you" says the doctor.

You thought the doctor was advising him to cut alcohol consumption from his life, but actually Andy was just drinking a beer while he was at the doctor's surgery and the doctor found it inconvenient.

Andy Capp, 2013-12-13.

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Mother Goose and Grimm, 2013-12-13.

Grimm: Most punchable character in comics? It's a hard call, but he's up there.

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Apartment 3-G, 2013-12-13.

What, you wanted some information about your father's condition? Ha, no. Shut up.

All of today's comics share a single punchline

Nancy, 2013-12-12.

Paying orphans sub-standard wages to scrub floors. Sure, that sounds like Christian charity to me. Or a return to 19th century labour practices. Either or.

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Heathcliff, like Batman, has a car designed to suit his theme — that theme being Heathcliff. Unlike Batman, Heathcliff uses his car to go to the shops to buy milk rather than to fight crime.

Heathcliff, 2013-12-12.

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"Oh, doctor." calls Flo. "Just the person. Can I ask your advice? I've got this terrible irritating pain and I'm not sure what to do"
"Where is the pain?" asks the Doctor, totally unaware that he's walking right into a real knee-slapper.
"He's at home" says Flo.

She means Andy, you see. She's not in pain, she's saying that Andy is a pain. That's the joke.

Andy Capp, 2013-12-12.

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I'm dog-sitting for my neighbors while they're out of town." says Fitch.
"Cool." says Dustin, patting the dog on the head.
"But Charlie has fleas. Yesterday I found one on my ankle."
Dustin immediately stops patting the dog.
"So go to the pet store and buy a flea collar." he says.
"I did that." says Fitch, "But it made my neck itch."

You'd expect him to have put the flea collar on the dog, but actually he tried it on himself. It's funny because it confounds our expectations.

Dustin, 2013-12-12.

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Based on the 1946-11-04 The Phantom strip. The last sentence of the first dialogue balloon serves as an alternate punchline for every one of the other comics featured today.

Christmas che- oh wait, it's Crankshaft

A tortoise has put a bent piece of corrugated iron on top of his shell.
"I'll never understand you..." remarks a bird.
"I like the sound it makes when it rains." explains the tortoise.

B.C., 2013-12-11.

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Crankshaft, 2013-12-11.

So, they should both be fired.

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Mary Worth, 2013-12-11.

You know what I like best about black-and-white photography? The colours.

A reasonable explanation

Heathcliff is sitting on the doorstep next to a large trophy. He has a big white beard. A neighbour looking over the fence notices Heathcliff and is confused.
"Competitive bearding." explains a boy.

Heathcliff, 2013-12-09.

Bad drawings and bad jokes

Marmaduke, 2013-12-04.

Is he talking about the small girl or the dog? Either way, I'm disturbed.

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Pooch Café, 2013-12-04.

That has got to be the worst drawing of Oprah ever attempted.

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"Out!" yells the bouncer as he hurls Andy from the oub.
"Tch!" exclaims the police officer, wagging a finger. "You know, mister Capp, you should drink in moderation"
"Is that the new club in town?" asks Andy.
You see, he's very drunk and is having comprehension problems. Or perhaps he's making a joke. Either way, the police officer is not amused and expresses his frustration by breaking the fourth wall and grimacing at the audience.

Andy Capp, 2013-12-04.

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"Honey!" calls Molly, reading a letter. "How many fish did you say you caught last Saturday?"
"I brought home six beauties!" brags Moose. "Why?"
"Just as I thought!" exclaims Molly. "The fish market made a mistake and is trying to bill us for eight!"
Moose grins at the audience as though to say "Well, she caught me!"

Moose and Molly, 2013-12-04.

Is the world going crazy or is Ziggy?

Ziggy, 2013-12-02.

It's never clear how much of what goes on in Ziggy is actually happening and how much is in Ziggy's mind. I think this is a clear sign that he needs psychiatric help though.

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Snuffy and Lukey are going fishing.
"I don't know if th' weather's gittin' more extreme, Lukey..." muses Smif, "but it's definitely gittin' weirder !!"
Although it seems to be  point of idle contemplation for Snuffy, Lukey shows a little greater concern. After all, it's he whom the rain cloud is apparently following around, as though with some purpose. Is some powerful supernatural being targeting him specifically? It's a worrying possibility.

Snuffy Smith, 2013-12-02.

Celebrate the apocalypse

A woman is showing her friend her survival bunker.
"You can see I'm prepped for ANY future disaster! I won't run out of staples." she says, pointing out shelves of water and rice.
"Or dates for Friday nights!" she adds, showing off the stasis room in which she is holding captive a large number of men.

Six Chix, 2013-11-30.

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Hazel is bringing a piece of cake to George, who is watching the gridiron on television. Hazel's attention is diverted by what's going on on the screen.
"Touchdown!" she yells, accidentally throwing the cake at George's head.

Hazel, 2013-11-30.

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Good question, Hägar. Are these Vikings celebrating American thanksgiving? If so, what's with the hats? And what are they singing?

Bad food, bad weather

"Millie's making a vegan thanksgiving!" says Ozzie. "Yikes!!!"
His stomach growls.
"What am I going to eat around here!?!"
Mooch offers Ozzie his cat-food. Ozzie seems to be seriously considering it.

Mutts, 2013-11-26.

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There is a loud crack, followed by a boom. Privates Diller and Plato look worried.
"Well, the weather-man did predict 'localized storms'" says Diller, commenting on the fact that a very small thunderstorm has broken out about a foot above Pvt. Bailey's head. Bailey bears this with resignation, rather than alarm.

Beetle Bailey, 2013-11-26.

Love and the unloveable

Ziggy opens his front door to find himself on the receiving end of a visit from Homeland Security.
"...but everybody gets email from Nigeria!" he protests.
The DHS agent does not appear to find that very amusing.

Ziggy, 2013-11-25.

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The Lockhorns are sitting on a couch.
"You'd lay down your life for me?" asks Loretta, eagerly. "How soon?"

The Lockhorns, 2013-11-25.

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Funky Winkerbean, 2013-11-25.

Eww, that's disgusting. Don't do that.

A sense of propriety

The doorbell rings while Henry is wearing his underwear, but he goes to answer it anyway. It's the postman.
"Morning, Henry!" says the postman. "Here's a letter from Henrietta!"
In a sudden panic, Henry turns and runs back upstairs. He returns a moment later, fully dressed, to collect the letter.

Henry, 2013-11-20.

Golf jokes and hamster gangs

A police officer and a woman watch as Heathcliff, encased in a hamster ball, chases a number of smaller hamster balls down the street, each of which contains a hamster.
"He's going after that hamster gang." says the police officer.

Heathcliff, 2013-11-19.

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Todd the Dinosaur, 2013-11-19.

So, Trent answered the door, met Al Gore, found out that Gore was there to see Todd, and then just shut the door in his face and went to tell Todd about it? Rude.

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Henry visits a driving range where they are offering a deal where you can hit a bucket of golf balls for 50 cents. He approaches the staff member at the counter and pays for a bucket. Taking his place at the range, he places the bucket before himself and strikes it with a golf club. You see, he hit the bucket rather than taking the balls out and hitting them individually, following the directions literally rather than doing what was expected.

Henry, 2013-11-19.

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Sgt. Snorkel has a sign up beside his desk which simply reads "THINK". Beetle paints over the K, and before the sergeant can react he turns and leaves, pausing only to remark "Now you've got something to think about".

Beetle Bailey, 2013-11-19.

Lunchtime

Heathcliff is sitting next to a hard-hatted construction worker. Each of them has a lunchbox. The construction worker is eating a sandwich. Heathcliff's sandwich has wings and is flying away.

"I prefer whole wheat bread." says the construction worker.

Heathcliff, 2013-11-09.

Face the music

"I'm really not in the mood to face the music at work today" says Dagwood.
"Is it really that bad, honey?" asks Blondie.
"It's really bad, honey" says Dagwood.

Later, Dagwood arrives at the office.
"Are you ready for a little get-up-and-go music, Bumstead?" asks Mr. Dithers.
Dagwood looks forlorn. You see, Dithers is holding a piano accordion, an instrument often thought to make a less than pleasant sound. At first it appeared that Dagwood would have to face up to the consequences of some poor action on his part, but it turned out that the music he didn't want to face was quite literal and just of a type that he does not enjoy.

Blondie, 2013-11-08.

Hold on, let me explain it, this'll be good

So here's the idea. What if a waiter was writing orders on their hands? Instead of in a notebook? I know, it's a pretty funny idea, but it doesn't quite work. The readers will just be asking themselves why he's doing that. Got to justify it somehow. OK, let's say he forgot his notepad.

Oh, actually he'd probably just remember the orders. Waiters do that all the time anyway.

OK, well let's say that he's taking so many orders that he can't remember them all.

Wait, why wouldn't he just go get his notepad then? Fuck it, who cares? I can basically write whatever I want and ignore all feedback and somehow still get paid to do this.


The preceding sentences are an accurate portrayal of the process by which Steve Kelley writes Dustin.

Dustin, 2013-11-08.

Wrinkle-proof ties

Henry is in a shop admiring a display of ties. Above them is a sign proclaiming them to be "wrinkle-proof". Seeing that the sales assistant's back is turned, Henry attempts to test the claim, but the man sees him reaching across the counter and turns to glare at him. Henry walks shame-facedly from the shop.

Henry, 2013-10-31.

Terrifying costumes

"You're dressing up to hand out candy?" asks Ditto.
"Yeah, what do you think?" says Hi, showing off his cape and fangs.
"I wish you were scarier." says Ditto as Hi quickly removes his fangs and puts on a false moustache.
"Why?" asks Hi.
"If kids are afraid to come to our house we'll have lots of leftover candy!" says Ditto happily.
Neither of them mention Hi's rapid costume change.

Hi and Lois, 2013-10-31.

Bus of death!

"Very nice, Mary..." says Andy. "You've got your bus all decked out for Halloween."
Mary's bus has various themed cut-outs stuck to the windows, including a bat, a jack-o'-lantern, a witch and two ghosts.
"I heard that Ed decorated his bus for Halloween too." she says.
At that moment Ed's bus appears, the man himself waving and smiling from the driver's seat. It appears that he has gone to significantly more trouble than Mary though, as he has painted his bus entirely black with a large white skull-and-crossbones on the side. He will probably be reprimanded for this as the bus is not his property and he did not have the authority to make such changes. It's funny because Crankshaft is terrible and it's amusing when bad things happen to him.

Crankshaft, 2013-10-29.