The Born Loser, 2014-09-23.
"I'm an eternal optimist. A glass-half-full type of person!" says Brutus's co-worker. "How about you, Thorny— are you a glass-half-full or half-empty guy?"
"I'm the born loser, so I'm a glass-completely-empty type of guy." says Brutus.
Is it just me or is it really weird how this comic has its protagonist just come right out and acknowledge his role in it? And this isn't an isolated thing either, he does it all the time. He is "the born loser" and he knows it. Not merely a born loser, the. And it isn't even necessary to the joke, you can remove the words "I'm the born loser, so" and it works just as well. It's more obviously fourth-wall breaking than anything Ted Forth has ever done.
Beetle Bailey, 2014-09-23.
"Can you take this truck to the dump, Zero?" asks Sgt. Snorkel.
"Okay, Sarge" says Pvt. Zero.
Some time later Zero returns with the ute still loaded full of garbage.
"I'm back from the dump, Sarge" he says. "Where do you want me to take it now?"
With that instruction I'd expect Zero to return on a bus, having left the ute behind.
Curtis, 2014-09-23.
"Did any of you children read during the summer vacation ?" asks Mrs Nelson.
"I did, Mrs. Nelson !" says Curtis. "'Vampire Feast,' 'The Thing From the Deep' and 'Mutant Zombie Landlord'!"
Mrs Nelson glares at him.
"Hey, they had a front cover, back cover and pages in between ! Technically that's a book !!"
I'm with Curtis on this. He's constantly getting flack for reading comics, despite the fact that he's apparently the only student in his class who reads any kind of book at all. It's pretty shitty to criticise him for it.
One Big Happy, 2014-09-24.
"Library lady, these tomatoes are for you. My grandpa grew them!" says Ruthie.
"Why, thank you, Ruthie!" says the library lady. "They're beautiful! Thank your grandpa for me, will you?
"Yes'm."
The library lady takes the tomatoes and begins to leave. James follows her.
"No, James, it's not going to happen."
"I sure enjoy seein' a hefty gal eat!" says James.
The library lady grimaces.
"I know, I know."
Well, that sure is creepy.
Showing posts with label Beetle Bailey. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Beetle Bailey. Show all posts
2014-09-26
2014-09-19
Sitcom Oneday: Comedy, tragedy, wisdom.
Cul de Sac, 2014-09-16.
"Miss Bliss says she got engaged." says Alice.
"What, to that banjo-playing guy Timmy Fretwork?" asks Petey.
"How'd you know?"
"They keep getting engaged then breaking it off." He gazes into the distance. "Timmy Fretwork is a banjo man! You can't tie down a banjo man!"
"What does that mean?" wonders Alice.
"It means he's a banjo man!" says Dill. "You can't tie down a banjo man!"
It's true, you can't.
Heavenly Nostrils, 2014-09-17.
Phoebe is sitting at her desk in class. Suddenly, the bell rings, startling her.
"The first bell of the school year is always the hardest." she thinks.
If that was the first bell, why is she already in class? Continuity error spotted!
Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 2014-09-18.
"How's Jughaid doin', miz Prunelly ?" asks Loweezy.
"Jughaid is an exceptional student, mizzus Smif !!" says Prunelly. "He's th' furst student I ever had who flunked ev'ry subject !!"
Both she and Loweezy appear to be terribly concerned about this and also completely at a loss as to what to do about it. They simply cannot understand why Jughaid is having so much difficulty or how to help him. It's tragic.
Beetle Bailey, 2014-09-18.
Sgt. Snorkel is standing on a bench. He jumps off, landing on a pumpkin, which is pulverised by his weight.
"There! I squashed all your pumpkins" he says.
"Good!" says Sgt. Jowls. "I'll get busy and bake the pies!"
Well, OK then.
"Miss Bliss says she got engaged." says Alice.
"What, to that banjo-playing guy Timmy Fretwork?" asks Petey.
"How'd you know?"
"They keep getting engaged then breaking it off." He gazes into the distance. "Timmy Fretwork is a banjo man! You can't tie down a banjo man!"
"What does that mean?" wonders Alice.
"It means he's a banjo man!" says Dill. "You can't tie down a banjo man!"
It's true, you can't.
Heavenly Nostrils, 2014-09-17.
Phoebe is sitting at her desk in class. Suddenly, the bell rings, startling her.
"The first bell of the school year is always the hardest." she thinks.
If that was the first bell, why is she already in class? Continuity error spotted!
Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 2014-09-18.
"How's Jughaid doin', miz Prunelly ?" asks Loweezy.
"Jughaid is an exceptional student, mizzus Smif !!" says Prunelly. "He's th' furst student I ever had who flunked ev'ry subject !!"
Both she and Loweezy appear to be terribly concerned about this and also completely at a loss as to what to do about it. They simply cannot understand why Jughaid is having so much difficulty or how to help him. It's tragic.
Beetle Bailey, 2014-09-18.
Sgt. Snorkel is standing on a bench. He jumps off, landing on a pumpkin, which is pulverised by his weight.
"There! I squashed all your pumpkins" he says.
"Good!" says Sgt. Jowls. "I'll get busy and bake the pies!"
Well, OK then.
2014-08-30
Sitcom Saturday: BB, BC and B.
BC, 2014-08-27.
"You can shove that teacup between your nostrils and smash yourself in the face with a steam pipe." yells Cute Chick, pointing to someone off-panel, before walking away with a black cloud floating above her head.
"That escalated quickly." she comments, to no one.
What escalated quickly? There is literally no context for this. The previous day's strip is totally unrelated. It is a mystery.
Beetle Bailey, 2014-08-29.
Amos is going out to play golf.
"Someday we should play a round together" says Martha.
"I don't think you'd like golf" says Amos.
Martha grins slyly. "I wasn't talking about golf".
Amos is either excited or horrified, it's hard to tell.
Blondie, 2014-08-29.
"Sweetheart, your pancakes are ready" calls Blondie from downstairs.
"But I'm running late and haven't finished shaving!" says Dagwood, establishing the the conflict of the drama.
"Hold on! I just had an idea!!" yells Blondie, coming up the stairs with the plate of pancakes. "I'm surprised I didn't think of this a long time ago"
She begins awkwardly feeding the pancakes to Dagwood while he shaves.
"I know..." says Dagwood. "Think of all the times I could have slept in a little longer"
Well, that is just a terrible idea. His pancakes will be covered in shaving foam and blood from when he cuts himself.
"You can shove that teacup between your nostrils and smash yourself in the face with a steam pipe." yells Cute Chick, pointing to someone off-panel, before walking away with a black cloud floating above her head.
"That escalated quickly." she comments, to no one.
What escalated quickly? There is literally no context for this. The previous day's strip is totally unrelated. It is a mystery.
Beetle Bailey, 2014-08-29.
Amos is going out to play golf.
"Someday we should play a round together" says Martha.
"I don't think you'd like golf" says Amos.
Martha grins slyly. "I wasn't talking about golf".
Amos is either excited or horrified, it's hard to tell.
Blondie, 2014-08-29.
"Sweetheart, your pancakes are ready" calls Blondie from downstairs.
"But I'm running late and haven't finished shaving!" says Dagwood, establishing the the conflict of the drama.
"Hold on! I just had an idea!!" yells Blondie, coming up the stairs with the plate of pancakes. "I'm surprised I didn't think of this a long time ago"
She begins awkwardly feeding the pancakes to Dagwood while he shaves.
"I know..." says Dagwood. "Think of all the times I could have slept in a little longer"
Well, that is just a terrible idea. His pancakes will be covered in shaving foam and blood from when he cuts himself.
2014-06-05
One-Panel Wednesday: Anger and Disgust
Beetle Bailey, 2014-05-30.
Pvt. Bailey is alone, in the middle of the desert when he is approached by Chip Flagston.
"Hey, jerk!" calls Chip.
"You talking to me?" asks Bailey.
I thought Chip liked Beetle.
Hazel, 2014-05-30.
George has built a scarecrow that looks like Hazel.
"If ANYTHING will keep the birds away..." he says happily.
Unseen behind him stands Hazel, glaring. Apparently she isn't taking it as a compliment.
Tina's Groove, 2014-05-30.
Tina is serving a middle-aged couple a large slice of cake.
"Here comes all that extra weight I lost..." says the woman. "Somehow it always finds me..."
She refers not to the cake but to a pink blob of human fat that is slithering across the floor of the restaurant toward her. No one seems to be reacting with the horror and disgust you'd expect. Tina looks a bit worried, but she always does.
Ziggy, 2014-06-04.
Ziggy is at the doctor's, with a thermometer in his mouth.
"Your test results are in..." says the doctor. "Are you trying to be funny?"
Obviously Ziggy is not, he is the punchline.
Pvt. Bailey is alone, in the middle of the desert when he is approached by Chip Flagston.
"Hey, jerk!" calls Chip.
"You talking to me?" asks Bailey.
I thought Chip liked Beetle.
Hazel, 2014-05-30.
George has built a scarecrow that looks like Hazel.
"If ANYTHING will keep the birds away..." he says happily.
Unseen behind him stands Hazel, glaring. Apparently she isn't taking it as a compliment.
Tina's Groove, 2014-05-30.
Tina is serving a middle-aged couple a large slice of cake.
"Here comes all that extra weight I lost..." says the woman. "Somehow it always finds me..."
She refers not to the cake but to a pink blob of human fat that is slithering across the floor of the restaurant toward her. No one seems to be reacting with the horror and disgust you'd expect. Tina looks a bit worried, but she always does.
Ziggy, 2014-06-04.
Ziggy is at the doctor's, with a thermometer in his mouth.
"Your test results are in..." says the doctor. "Are you trying to be funny?"
Obviously Ziggy is not, he is the punchline.
2014-05-25
The Return of Weekend Workshop
I haven't done this in a couple of weeks, so here's a catch-up post.
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| Based on Beetle Bailey, 2014-05-05. |
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| Based on Moose and Molly, 2014-05-08. |
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| Based on Rex Morgan MD, 2014-05-14. |
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| Based on Pooch Café, 2014-05-16. |
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| Based on Dennis the Menace, 2014-05-14. |
2014-05-22
Sitcom Thursday: Straight to the Moon
Crock, 2014-05-16.
"Starting today there'll be extra meat rations for all" says Crock.
The men cheer.
"The men love you, sir" says a legionnaire.
"I loved that ol' horse of mine, too" says Crock.
I guess the implication here is supposed to be that the extra meat ration is horse, so, ha ha, it's funny 'cause they're eating horse. But they're in the French foreign legion, and horse meat is actually eaten in France. This strip only works if you ignore the entire premise of the comic.
Beetle Bailey, 2014-05-20.
Sgt. Snorkel examines what appears to be an almost life-size statue of Pvt. Bailey.
"What's that?" he asks. "It sort of looks like Beetle."
"I built it..." says Cpl. Yo. "It's a robot"
"How does it work?" asks the sergeant.
"It doesn't!" says Yo, happily.
Oh, just like the real Beetle. I get it.
Seriously though, Cpl. Yo made a statue just so he could do this joke. That's dedication.
Hi and Lois, 2014-05-20.
Hi is at work when his phone rings.
"Who is this?" he asks.
"Abercrombie. You garbage man." says the person on the other end of the call. "Has your wife talked to you about all this stuff she's throwing away?"
Meanwhile at the Flagston residence, Abercrombie is indeed on the phone to Hi and is looking at a pile of things that have been left out for him to take away, including some records, sporting equipment and an old TV.
People in comic strips have really weird relationships with the garbage collectors. My garbage gets taken away by people I don't know and have never met. I don't even know what time they come around.
Beetle Bailey, 2014-05-21.
Pvt. Bailey and Sheila are sitting on a bench together by the ocean.
"Beautiful moon!" says Bailey.
"Did I ever tell you of my trip to the moon?" asks Sheila.
"You took a trip to the moon?" asks Beetle. "When?"
"The first time you kissed me" says Sheila.
The thing I love about this is that Beetle is absolutely ready to believe that Miss Buxley has been to the moon, he just doesn't remember her being away.
"Starting today there'll be extra meat rations for all" says Crock.
The men cheer.
"The men love you, sir" says a legionnaire.
"I loved that ol' horse of mine, too" says Crock.
I guess the implication here is supposed to be that the extra meat ration is horse, so, ha ha, it's funny 'cause they're eating horse. But they're in the French foreign legion, and horse meat is actually eaten in France. This strip only works if you ignore the entire premise of the comic.
Beetle Bailey, 2014-05-20.
Sgt. Snorkel examines what appears to be an almost life-size statue of Pvt. Bailey.
"What's that?" he asks. "It sort of looks like Beetle."
"I built it..." says Cpl. Yo. "It's a robot"
"How does it work?" asks the sergeant.
"It doesn't!" says Yo, happily.
Oh, just like the real Beetle. I get it.
Seriously though, Cpl. Yo made a statue just so he could do this joke. That's dedication.
Hi and Lois, 2014-05-20.
Hi is at work when his phone rings.
"Who is this?" he asks.
"Abercrombie. You garbage man." says the person on the other end of the call. "Has your wife talked to you about all this stuff she's throwing away?"
Meanwhile at the Flagston residence, Abercrombie is indeed on the phone to Hi and is looking at a pile of things that have been left out for him to take away, including some records, sporting equipment and an old TV.
People in comic strips have really weird relationships with the garbage collectors. My garbage gets taken away by people I don't know and have never met. I don't even know what time they come around.
Beetle Bailey, 2014-05-21.
Pvt. Bailey and Sheila are sitting on a bench together by the ocean.
"Beautiful moon!" says Bailey.
"Did I ever tell you of my trip to the moon?" asks Sheila.
"You took a trip to the moon?" asks Beetle. "When?"
"The first time you kissed me" says Sheila.
The thing I love about this is that Beetle is absolutely ready to believe that Miss Buxley has been to the moon, he just doesn't remember her being away.
2014-05-01
Sitcom Thursday: Political Correctness Gone Mad!
Todd the Dinosaur, 2014-04-30.
"Well, these are the last comic books I'll ever buy!" says Todd. "This political correctness stuff has just run amok!"
"Let me see" asks Trent. "'Bat Person'?"
"Yeah," says Todd, "it was on the rack right next to this one"
"'Very Helpful Person'?" reads Trent.
"Yep. They thought 'Superman' would hurt regular people's self-esteem"
God, where to even start with this bullshit. First, I guess, with the fact that this is just fucking dumb as shit. This goes so far beyond straw-manning that surely even the "political correctness gone mad" people must think this is dumb.
Secondly, why is Trent reading out the names of the comics? This is a comic strip, a visual medium, you could just show the covers. You could even fit some additional jokes in on those covers — although I suppose that having additional jokes would require there to be some jokes to begin with.
Thirdly, it's not like the premise of a more PC Batman (or Superman) doesn't have potential. You could do something with Batman not beating up criminals because they're actually mentally ill people who should be treated with care and compassion, but Patrick Roberts hasn't even thought about it enough to get that far.
Also, the idea that super-hero comics are being written and drawn by social justice warriors is laughably absurd to anyone who's seen them. You could probably get a joke out of that, too, but it would also require more effort than Roberts is willing to put into his incredibly easy job that he gets paid real money to do.
Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 2014-04-30.
"I ain't spyin'," says Roy, holding a pair of binoculars, "I'm keepin' us safe !!"
"Shore ya are, Roy !!" says Snuffy. "From all th' purty gals that go by !!"
Roy grins sheepishly.
You can't even look at pretty girls without being accused of something these days, it's political correctness gone mad!
Beetle Bailey, 2014-04-29.
"Sarge, you really annoy me!!" yells Lt. Fuzz. "You're a ☼ a ♯♯! A ȸȹȸ! And a ⇜!!"
He takes a breath and smiles warmly. "How's that?
"A little better, sir. I felt a slight twinge of anger" says Sgt. Snorkel. "But keep practicing, sir"
Can't even use real swearwords! Political correctness gone mad!
Baby Blues, 2014-04-30.
"No! No! You keep hitting the rim!" yells Wanda. "Try to get a little more arc on it. Good shot!"
"Is mom playing basketball with Hammie?" asks Darryl.
"No, it's just bathroom practice." says Zoe.
No, you're not misinterpreting that, it's a comic about pissing on the floor. Political correctness gone mad? Something's gone mad, of that I'm sure.
"Well, these are the last comic books I'll ever buy!" says Todd. "This political correctness stuff has just run amok!"
"Let me see" asks Trent. "'Bat Person'?"
"Yeah," says Todd, "it was on the rack right next to this one"
"'Very Helpful Person'?" reads Trent.
"Yep. They thought 'Superman' would hurt regular people's self-esteem"
God, where to even start with this bullshit. First, I guess, with the fact that this is just fucking dumb as shit. This goes so far beyond straw-manning that surely even the "political correctness gone mad" people must think this is dumb.
Secondly, why is Trent reading out the names of the comics? This is a comic strip, a visual medium, you could just show the covers. You could even fit some additional jokes in on those covers — although I suppose that having additional jokes would require there to be some jokes to begin with.
Thirdly, it's not like the premise of a more PC Batman (or Superman) doesn't have potential. You could do something with Batman not beating up criminals because they're actually mentally ill people who should be treated with care and compassion, but Patrick Roberts hasn't even thought about it enough to get that far.
Also, the idea that super-hero comics are being written and drawn by social justice warriors is laughably absurd to anyone who's seen them. You could probably get a joke out of that, too, but it would also require more effort than Roberts is willing to put into his incredibly easy job that he gets paid real money to do.
Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 2014-04-30.
"I ain't spyin'," says Roy, holding a pair of binoculars, "I'm keepin' us safe !!"
"Shore ya are, Roy !!" says Snuffy. "From all th' purty gals that go by !!"
Roy grins sheepishly.
You can't even look at pretty girls without being accused of something these days, it's political correctness gone mad!
Beetle Bailey, 2014-04-29.
"Sarge, you really annoy me!!" yells Lt. Fuzz. "You're a ☼ a ♯♯! A ȸȹȸ! And a ⇜!!"
He takes a breath and smiles warmly. "How's that?
"A little better, sir. I felt a slight twinge of anger" says Sgt. Snorkel. "But keep practicing, sir"
Can't even use real swearwords! Political correctness gone mad!
Baby Blues, 2014-04-30.
"No! No! You keep hitting the rim!" yells Wanda. "Try to get a little more arc on it. Good shot!"
"Is mom playing basketball with Hammie?" asks Darryl.
"No, it's just bathroom practice." says Zoe.
No, you're not misinterpreting that, it's a comic about pissing on the floor. Political correctness gone mad? Something's gone mad, of that I'm sure.
2014-04-17
Sitcom Thursday: Two dumb comics and an inappropriate one
Hey, did you know it's tax time in America? Well, for those Americans who forgot about it, fortunately every single comic is here to remind you. Although many of them have absolutely no clue how taxes work. Take Blondie for example.
Blondie, 2014-04-15.
"April 15th is here, Bumstead!" says Julius, coyly. "Did you want to thank me for something?"
"Nope!" says Dagwood. "I have my pride!!"
He returns to his desk and sits down. Julius follows.
"I'd rather get dragged through a carwash by my cowlicks!"
"Oh, just say it!" implores Julius.
"Okaay!!!" screams Dagwood, dropping to his knees in supplication. "Thank you for keeping me in the lowest possible tax bracket!!!"
"Atta boy!" says Julius.
Taxes don't fucking work like that! Being paid less is not better! This idea that higher taxes on higher incomes means it's not worth earning more is utter fucking bullshit that totally ignores the way income tax is calculated!
Beetle Bailey, 2014-04-16.
"What's Miss Buxley doing out here?" asks Gen. Halftrack.
"Attempting to fellate a tank." says Maj. Greenbrass.
"Beetle's driving a tank in today's war games" says Maj. Greenbrass.
"Good luck, Beetle" says Sheila, kissing a tank's gun.
"Thanks Bux" says Pvt. Bailey, from within the tank.
Zits, 2014-04-14.
"Mrs, Duncan! Is that you in this photo?" asks Sara.
"Yes." says Connie. "It's from summer camp when I was about your age."
"I love the filter you used to give it that faded, old-timey look!" says Sara.
"Filter??" says Connie, incredulously.
"Just take it as a compliment and move on." says Walt, resignedly.
Seriously? This is just dumb.
Blondie, 2014-04-15.
"April 15th is here, Bumstead!" says Julius, coyly. "Did you want to thank me for something?"
"Nope!" says Dagwood. "I have my pride!!"
He returns to his desk and sits down. Julius follows.
"I'd rather get dragged through a carwash by my cowlicks!"
"Oh, just say it!" implores Julius.
"Okaay!!!" screams Dagwood, dropping to his knees in supplication. "Thank you for keeping me in the lowest possible tax bracket!!!"
"Atta boy!" says Julius.
Taxes don't fucking work like that! Being paid less is not better! This idea that higher taxes on higher incomes means it's not worth earning more is utter fucking bullshit that totally ignores the way income tax is calculated!
Beetle Bailey, 2014-04-16.
"What's Miss Buxley doing out here?" asks Gen. Halftrack.
"Beetle's driving a tank in today's war games" says Maj. Greenbrass.
"Good luck, Beetle" says Sheila, kissing a tank's gun.
"Thanks Bux" says Pvt. Bailey, from within the tank.
Zits, 2014-04-14.
"Mrs, Duncan! Is that you in this photo?" asks Sara.
"Yes." says Connie. "It's from summer camp when I was about your age."
"I love the filter you used to give it that faded, old-timey look!" says Sara.
"Filter??" says Connie, incredulously.
"Just take it as a compliment and move on." says Walt, resignedly.
Seriously? This is just dumb.
2014-04-11
Sitcom Thursday: Relationship Drama
Beetle Bailey, 2014-04-07.
"Sarge is really mad that Beetle is still in bed" says Pvt. Diller.
"He's going to dump him" says Pvt. Plato.
Sgt. Snorkel kicks Pvt. Bailey's bed, knocking it vertical. Beetle remains in the bed as he has put a large belt around the bed and himself, presumably as a form of protection against this very eventuality.
"It's a good thing he has his seat belt on" remarks Diller.
Well? Don't leave us hanging, Mort Walker. Did Sarge dump Beetle or are they still going out?
Hägar the Horrible, 2014-04-07.
"I sail for England today !!" announces Hägar. "Can I get you something there?"
"Please bring back another wife" says Helga.
Hägar the Polygamist?
B.C. 2014-04-08.
Curls and Peter are sitting on a rock in the middle of a vast expanse of water.
"What?" says Curls, confrontationally.
"This is why we don't go mountain climbing during the spring thaw!" says Peter.
Surely the top of a mountain is the only safe place to be if the water level has risen that high?
Henry, 2014-04-10.
Henry sees an advertisement for some "pure vegetable egg-dye" for colouring Easter eggs. After making up the dye he feeds it to a hen in the hopes that the eggs laid by that hen will be colourful.
"Sarge is really mad that Beetle is still in bed" says Pvt. Diller.
"He's going to dump him" says Pvt. Plato.
Sgt. Snorkel kicks Pvt. Bailey's bed, knocking it vertical. Beetle remains in the bed as he has put a large belt around the bed and himself, presumably as a form of protection against this very eventuality.
"It's a good thing he has his seat belt on" remarks Diller.
Well? Don't leave us hanging, Mort Walker. Did Sarge dump Beetle or are they still going out?
Hägar the Horrible, 2014-04-07.
"I sail for England today !!" announces Hägar. "Can I get you something there?"
"Please bring back another wife" says Helga.
Hägar the Polygamist?
B.C. 2014-04-08.
Curls and Peter are sitting on a rock in the middle of a vast expanse of water.
"What?" says Curls, confrontationally.
"This is why we don't go mountain climbing during the spring thaw!" says Peter.
Surely the top of a mountain is the only safe place to be if the water level has risen that high?
Henry, 2014-04-10.
Henry sees an advertisement for some "pure vegetable egg-dye" for colouring Easter eggs. After making up the dye he feeds it to a hen in the hopes that the eggs laid by that hen will be colourful.
2014-04-03
Sitcom Thursday: Gluttony and Failure
Wizard of Id, 2014-03-31.
The wizard and his wife, Blanch, are enjoying a drink together in a restaurant when a nearby man winks suggestively at Blanch.
"That man just insulted me!" she says.
The wizard stands up, walks over to the man and slaps him in the face. The text "-175 hp" appears above the man's head in large, black type.
"What the heck was that?" he asks, apparently more confused than injured.
"The wizard's version of a whoopin'" says the wizard with a grin.
I must confess, I don't understand this strip. The HP loss is obviously a video game reference, but how is it a wizardly thing? And the guy didn't actually seem to be hurt, so a wizard's version of "a whoopin'" is apparently a light slap and some nonsensical numbers? What?
Beetle Bailey, 2014-04-02.
Gen. Halftrack and Sheila Buxley are looking at a large line graph labelled "Camp Swampy's Progress Chart". The horizontal axis is labelled with the years from 2005 to 2014. The line representing the camp's progress zigzags up and downbut remains around the same level, with the exception of one notable dip toward the end of 2005 and a rise around the end of 2011.
"I dunno," says the general glumly, "we just don't seem to be making any progress"
"But you always said 2011 was your banner year" says Sheila.
What is camp Swampy supposed to be progressing toward anyway?
Baldo, 2014-04-03.
Cruz is sitting at a table eating a hamburger. Beside him sits Rayna's telepresence robot. Another hamburger sits in front of the robot. As Cruz finishes his burger hea reaches over and takes Rayna's tray, placing it on top of his own, then begins to eat her burger as well.
"You're the best lunch partner ever!" he says.
I really don't think this would work. I'm assuming that each student gets a free burger (because if they're paying for them then there wouldn't be any advantage to this scheme, he could just buy two burgers for himself) but I doubt the staff would be swayed by the argument that Rayna should be provided with a lunch that she can't possibly eat, given that she isn't physically present.
It's also kind of weird that Rayna has no dialogue in this strip. Her face doesn't even seem to move.
The wizard and his wife, Blanch, are enjoying a drink together in a restaurant when a nearby man winks suggestively at Blanch.
"That man just insulted me!" she says.
The wizard stands up, walks over to the man and slaps him in the face. The text "-175 hp" appears above the man's head in large, black type.
"What the heck was that?" he asks, apparently more confused than injured.
"The wizard's version of a whoopin'" says the wizard with a grin.
I must confess, I don't understand this strip. The HP loss is obviously a video game reference, but how is it a wizardly thing? And the guy didn't actually seem to be hurt, so a wizard's version of "a whoopin'" is apparently a light slap and some nonsensical numbers? What?
Beetle Bailey, 2014-04-02.
Gen. Halftrack and Sheila Buxley are looking at a large line graph labelled "Camp Swampy's Progress Chart". The horizontal axis is labelled with the years from 2005 to 2014. The line representing the camp's progress zigzags up and downbut remains around the same level, with the exception of one notable dip toward the end of 2005 and a rise around the end of 2011.
"I dunno," says the general glumly, "we just don't seem to be making any progress"
"But you always said 2011 was your banner year" says Sheila.
What is camp Swampy supposed to be progressing toward anyway?
Baldo, 2014-04-03.
Cruz is sitting at a table eating a hamburger. Beside him sits Rayna's telepresence robot. Another hamburger sits in front of the robot. As Cruz finishes his burger hea reaches over and takes Rayna's tray, placing it on top of his own, then begins to eat her burger as well.
"You're the best lunch partner ever!" he says.
I really don't think this would work. I'm assuming that each student gets a free burger (because if they're paying for them then there wouldn't be any advantage to this scheme, he could just buy two burgers for himself) but I doubt the staff would be swayed by the argument that Rayna should be provided with a lunch that she can't possibly eat, given that she isn't physically present.
It's also kind of weird that Rayna has no dialogue in this strip. Her face doesn't even seem to move.
2014-03-28
Philosophical Friday: Leave Mimes Alone
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| Brewster Rockit: Space Guy! 2014-03-25. |
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| Todd the Dinosaur, 2014-03-28. |
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| Hägar the Horrible, 2014-03-27. |
I don't know where I'm going with this, it's just something that struck me.
2014-03-27
Sitcom Thursday: Surrealism, Nihilism, Solipsism
Lost in an endless void, Fred Basset looks around himself but sees no one.
"Is there anyone out there?!" he thinks, beginning to panic.
There is not.
"What's going on?" asks Major Greenbrass.
"The general is having a fight with his wife" says Sheila. "And he's trying to negotiate a truce"
The general is in a tank, his head sticking out of the hatch in the top. Martha stands in front of the tank, rolling pin in hand, glaring at him.
"I'll put the tank back if you'll put the rolling pin down" says Gen. Halftrack.
Pvt. Bailey and Sgt. Snorkel are in a jeep together. Snorkel seems a little worried.
"Where did you get the gas this morning?" he asks.
"At the airport" says Bailey.
"I thought so" replies Snorkel.
The camera pans out to reveal the jeep is not, as might be expected, on the road, but is actually soaring through the air far above Camp Swampy.
Pvt. Bailey is driving a jeep (on the road this time) when he spots a moose on the side of the road. Surprisingly, the moose appears to be attempting to hitch-hike. Later, Bailey and the moose arrive at Camp Swampy.
"Why are you giving him a ride?" asks Sgt. Snorkel.
"Because if I didn't you wouldn't have believed me" explains Bailey.
"Is there anyone out there?!" he thinks, beginning to panic.
There is not.
"What's going on?" asks Major Greenbrass.
"The general is having a fight with his wife" says Sheila. "And he's trying to negotiate a truce"
The general is in a tank, his head sticking out of the hatch in the top. Martha stands in front of the tank, rolling pin in hand, glaring at him.
"I'll put the tank back if you'll put the rolling pin down" says Gen. Halftrack.
Pvt. Bailey and Sgt. Snorkel are in a jeep together. Snorkel seems a little worried.
"Where did you get the gas this morning?" he asks.
"At the airport" says Bailey.
"I thought so" replies Snorkel.
The camera pans out to reveal the jeep is not, as might be expected, on the road, but is actually soaring through the air far above Camp Swampy.
Pvt. Bailey is driving a jeep (on the road this time) when he spots a moose on the side of the road. Surprisingly, the moose appears to be attempting to hitch-hike. Later, Bailey and the moose arrive at Camp Swampy.
"Why are you giving him a ride?" asks Sgt. Snorkel.
"Because if I didn't you wouldn't have believed me" explains Bailey.
2014-03-20
Sitcom Thursday: War and Ennui
Molly is on the phone.
"Mother!" she says. "Moose got a job today! Security guard on an armored truck"
Meanwhile, Moose is at work. While his coworker wasn't looking, Moose has stuffed his clothes full of money to such an extent that it is clearly visible poking out everywhere and is grinning like a loon. Money is loosely piled up inside the truck and spilling onto the ground.
"Moose —" says his colleague, "it happens to everyone the first day! Just put it back"
"When do you think the general will retire?" asks Pvt. Blips.
"Gee, I don't know" says Sheila. "And I'm not sure I could tell if he was retired!"
Gen. Halftrack might take offence to that comment if he'd heard it and actually gave half a shit about his job. But in fact he was practising his putting and not paying attention.
"We have to work tonight" says Crock.
"Whatever" replies a legionnaire indifferently.
"You say 'whatever' one more time and I'll wring your neck!" says Crock. "I'm tired of hearing it!"
"Whatever" says the legionnaire.
It's funny, because Crock will probably actually follow through on his threat and the legionnaire is so numbed by the daily horrors of war that he can no longer muster up even so much as the will to live.
"Mother!" she says. "Moose got a job today! Security guard on an armored truck"
Meanwhile, Moose is at work. While his coworker wasn't looking, Moose has stuffed his clothes full of money to such an extent that it is clearly visible poking out everywhere and is grinning like a loon. Money is loosely piled up inside the truck and spilling onto the ground.
"Moose —" says his colleague, "it happens to everyone the first day! Just put it back"
"When do you think the general will retire?" asks Pvt. Blips.
"Gee, I don't know" says Sheila. "And I'm not sure I could tell if he was retired!"
Gen. Halftrack might take offence to that comment if he'd heard it and actually gave half a shit about his job. But in fact he was practising his putting and not paying attention.
"We have to work tonight" says Crock.
"Whatever" replies a legionnaire indifferently.
"You say 'whatever' one more time and I'll wring your neck!" says Crock. "I'm tired of hearing it!"
"Whatever" says the legionnaire.
It's funny, because Crock will probably actually follow through on his threat and the legionnaire is so numbed by the daily horrors of war that he can no longer muster up even so much as the will to live.
2014-03-06
Sitcom Thursday: Rules for throwing out socks
"Ready to go to the store, Henry?" asks Henry's mother. "Pick up a pound of frankfurters for supper, dear!"
So Henry heads down to the grocery shop, but when he gets there he sees a sign in the window that says "No dogs", so he goes back home. You see, the sign is intended to prevent people from bringing their pets into the shop, but Henry has misinterpreted it as a warning that the shop has sold out of hot-dogs, which is another name for frankfurters.
"I told Sarge you needed to see him." said Pvt. Bailey. "He said he'd come after lunch"
"I need to see him now!" roars Lt. Fuzz. "Go get him!"
So Bailey gets into a track loader and uses the bucket to pick Sgt. Snorkel up and drive him back to where Fuzz is waiting.
"There's a sock in your waste-basket." says Sheila.
"That's mine." replies Gen. Halftrack. "It had a hole in it."
"Why didn't you throw it out at home?" asks Sheila.
"You have rules for throwing out socks ?" asks the general.
Pvt. Bailey, peering in through the window, is mystified by the whole scenario.
So Henry heads down to the grocery shop, but when he gets there he sees a sign in the window that says "No dogs", so he goes back home. You see, the sign is intended to prevent people from bringing their pets into the shop, but Henry has misinterpreted it as a warning that the shop has sold out of hot-dogs, which is another name for frankfurters.
"I told Sarge you needed to see him." said Pvt. Bailey. "He said he'd come after lunch"
"I need to see him now!" roars Lt. Fuzz. "Go get him!"
So Bailey gets into a track loader and uses the bucket to pick Sgt. Snorkel up and drive him back to where Fuzz is waiting.
"There's a sock in your waste-basket." says Sheila.
"That's mine." replies Gen. Halftrack. "It had a hole in it."
"Why didn't you throw it out at home?" asks Sheila.
"You have rules for throwing out socks ?" asks the general.
Pvt. Bailey, peering in through the window, is mystified by the whole scenario.
2014-02-28
Philosophical Friday: Beetle's Last Kiss
Beetle Bailey's relationship with Sergeant Snorkel is a complicated one. You assume that as Beetle is lazy and incompetent and Sarge is constantly berating and assaulting him that they would feel nothing but enmity for one another, but it seems that that is not the case.
That aside, today what I really wanted to talk about is a different comic. It's called Last Kiss and it is awful. First I'll let you read what GoComics has to say about it.
Sounds OK, right? There's certainly plenty of potential there. Let's take a look at today's.
Oh. Well, everyone has their off days. Maybe that's a bad example. How about the previous one?
So... third time's the charm? One more? OK, I can't even bring myself to link any more of these. It's not that they're lazy, it's that they're just not funny. At all. And someone's actually printing this garbage as greeting cards.
I don't mean to imply that it's easy to think of funny captions for these images. It clearly isn't. They're just single panels of one or two ordinary people with absolutely no context. And that's the problem, I think. John Lustig has set himself an impossible challenge. If he'd gone with an entire strip (or a row of panels from a comic book) for each one then it would not only be easier, it would be funnier. Even if he's bad at being funny (which I suspect he is) it would still be better than this.
But more importantly, if re-captioning other people's comics is a legitimate option, why am I not a syndicated cartoonist yet? I do that all the time!
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| Beetle Bailey, 2014-02-28. |
That aside, today what I really wanted to talk about is a different comic. It's called Last Kiss and it is awful. First I'll let you read what GoComics has to say about it.
Pairing vintage comic art with hilarious, new dialog by Disney veteran writer John Lustig, Last Kiss revels in the absurdities of love, lust and 'life with lip.' The series originated when Lustig bought the publishing rights to a romance comic book series from the 50's and 60's, and started rewriting the stories for fun. Since then, the re-dialogued comics have been a popular feature in newspapers, magazines, comic books and greeting cards. Today Last Kiss is gaining popularity and is also available on email cards from Jib Jab and greeting cards from NobleWorks. Check www.lastkissinc.com for the latest news and product launches.
Sounds OK, right? There's certainly plenty of potential there. Let's take a look at today's.
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| Last Kiss, 2014-02-28. |
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| Last Kiss, 2014-02-26. |
I don't mean to imply that it's easy to think of funny captions for these images. It clearly isn't. They're just single panels of one or two ordinary people with absolutely no context. And that's the problem, I think. John Lustig has set himself an impossible challenge. If he'd gone with an entire strip (or a row of panels from a comic book) for each one then it would not only be easier, it would be funnier. Even if he's bad at being funny (which I suspect he is) it would still be better than this.
But more importantly, if re-captioning other people's comics is a legitimate option, why am I not a syndicated cartoonist yet? I do that all the time!
2014-02-27
Sitcom Thursday: Beer or Wine?
A man in a brown suit strides pompously into Jack's bar waving a fistful of money.
"I had a big win on the horses." he declares. "Cocktails all round, Jack!"
"Coming up" replies Jack, fetching the drinks.
"What's this?" asks the brown-suited man.
"Jack's idea of a cocktail" replies Andy.
"A pint of beer with a little umbrella in it" clarifies Chalky.
But really, what was he expecting just asking for "a cocktail" rather than a particular drink?
Mrs. Halftrack answers a knock at the door to find Lt. Fuzz standing there.
"Why, Lt. Fuzz!" she says. "What a surprise to see you on a Saturday! Amos will be so sorry to have missed you"
Meanwhile, Amos has hidden behind the couch, spilling his wine in his haste. The big surprise though is that he's actually drinking it from a glass rather than straight from the bottle.
"I swear I shall never, ever drink the fruit of the vine!" says Hägar.
"Unless you run out of beer" corrects Helga.
Given that Hägar had a beer in his hand the whole time, it's really not clear what point he was trying to make. Maybe he just doesn't like wine?
"I had a big win on the horses." he declares. "Cocktails all round, Jack!"
"Coming up" replies Jack, fetching the drinks.
"What's this?" asks the brown-suited man.
"Jack's idea of a cocktail" replies Andy.
"A pint of beer with a little umbrella in it" clarifies Chalky.
But really, what was he expecting just asking for "a cocktail" rather than a particular drink?
Mrs. Halftrack answers a knock at the door to find Lt. Fuzz standing there.
"Why, Lt. Fuzz!" she says. "What a surprise to see you on a Saturday! Amos will be so sorry to have missed you"
Meanwhile, Amos has hidden behind the couch, spilling his wine in his haste. The big surprise though is that he's actually drinking it from a glass rather than straight from the bottle.
"I swear I shall never, ever drink the fruit of the vine!" says Hägar.
"Unless you run out of beer" corrects Helga.
Given that Hägar had a beer in his hand the whole time, it's really not clear what point he was trying to make. Maybe he just doesn't like wine?
2013-12-06
Animals behaving oddly
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| Heathcliff, 2013-12-03. |
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| Beetle Bailey, 2013-12-03. |
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| Apartment 3-G, 2013-12-03. |
2013-12-01
Bad food, bad weather
"Millie's making a vegan thanksgiving!" says Ozzie. "Yikes!!!"
His stomach growls.
"What am I going to eat around here!?!"
Mooch offers Ozzie his cat-food. Ozzie seems to be seriously considering it.
Mutts, 2013-11-26.
There is a loud crack, followed by a boom. Privates Diller and Plato look worried.
"Well, the weather-man did predict 'localized storms'" says Diller, commenting on the fact that a very small thunderstorm has broken out about a foot above Pvt. Bailey's head. Bailey bears this with resignation, rather than alarm.
Beetle Bailey, 2013-11-26.
His stomach growls.
"What am I going to eat around here!?!"
Mooch offers Ozzie his cat-food. Ozzie seems to be seriously considering it.
Mutts, 2013-11-26.
There is a loud crack, followed by a boom. Privates Diller and Plato look worried.
"Well, the weather-man did predict 'localized storms'" says Diller, commenting on the fact that a very small thunderstorm has broken out about a foot above Pvt. Bailey's head. Bailey bears this with resignation, rather than alarm.
Beetle Bailey, 2013-11-26.
2013-11-28
Golf jokes and hamster gangs
A police officer and a woman watch as Heathcliff, encased in a hamster ball, chases a number of smaller hamster balls down the street, each of which contains a hamster.
"He's going after that hamster gang." says the police officer.
Heathcliff, 2013-11-19.
So, Trent answered the door, met Al Gore, found out that Gore was there to see Todd, and then just shut the door in his face and went to tell Todd about it? Rude.
Henry visits a driving range where they are offering a deal where you can hit a bucket of golf balls for 50 cents. He approaches the staff member at the counter and pays for a bucket. Taking his place at the range, he places the bucket before himself and strikes it with a golf club. You see, he hit the bucket rather than taking the balls out and hitting them individually, following the directions literally rather than doing what was expected.
Henry, 2013-11-19.
Sgt. Snorkel has a sign up beside his desk which simply reads "THINK". Beetle paints over the K, and before the sergeant can react he turns and leaves, pausing only to remark "Now you've got something to think about".
Beetle Bailey, 2013-11-19.
"He's going after that hamster gang." says the police officer.
Heathcliff, 2013-11-19.
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| Todd the Dinosaur, 2013-11-19. |
Henry visits a driving range where they are offering a deal where you can hit a bucket of golf balls for 50 cents. He approaches the staff member at the counter and pays for a bucket. Taking his place at the range, he places the bucket before himself and strikes it with a golf club. You see, he hit the bucket rather than taking the balls out and hitting them individually, following the directions literally rather than doing what was expected.
Henry, 2013-11-19.
Sgt. Snorkel has a sign up beside his desk which simply reads "THINK". Beetle paints over the K, and before the sergeant can react he turns and leaves, pausing only to remark "Now you've got something to think about".
Beetle Bailey, 2013-11-19.
2013-10-14
Beetle Bailey
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| Beetle Bailey, 2013-10-10. |
And who the hell is Sarge trying to kid anyway, everyone can see those papers he's playing with are blank.
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