If you haven't been keeping up with Funky Winkerbean lately, you've been missing out. Although it's normally one of King Features worse offerings, Tom Batiuk has really outdone himself this time, descending to almost Brooke McEldowneyan levels.
Showing posts with label Funky Winkerbean. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Funky Winkerbean. Show all posts
2014-08-10
Weekend Workshop: I've been busy
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| Based on The Amazing Spider-Man, 2014-07-18. |
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| Based on Funky Winkerbean, 2014-07-28. |
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| Based on Ballard Street, 2014-07-28. |
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| Based on Red and Rover, 2014-07-31. |
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| Based on Luann, 2014-08-01 and Inspector Danger's Crime Quiz, 2014-07-01 and 2014-07-28. |
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| Based on Luann, 2014-08-01 and Jane's World 2014-08-01. |
2014-07-14
Melodrama Monday: Out of touch with reality
Funky Winkerbean, 2014-07-08.
"Crazy Harry and I are going to Comic-Con in San Diego..." says John, smirking. "Why don't you come with us? If you can't find Starbuck Jones #115 at Comic-Con, it can't be found."
"Don't you have to get tickets way in advance?" asked Holly.
"No, you can just show up on the day, it's fine!" replied John.
"You're right, John..." said Holly. "In fact, I probably wouldn't have to settle for a moldy reading copy... In fact, I could probably find a near mint copy... or even a mint copy... or a slabbed copy graded ten!!"
"Whoa!" says Harry, backing away and holding his hands up as though to defend himself. "Pump the breaks, Holly."
The whole issue of just going to Comic-Con on a whim aside, why the fuck is Holly even talking about getting a slabbed copy? She got a slabbed copy of the last issue she was looking for and immediately unsealed it.
If she were doing it to give comic collectors heart attacks that would be funny, but since this is Funky Winkerbean it should go without saying that nothing funny is happening. No, she "just [wants her] son to be able to read it". Keep in mind that she is collecting these comics for her son, and we have no idea whether he even wants to read it. He may in fact have preferred the slabbed copy. Or at least might have wanted to open it up himself.
I think collecting comic books is a dumb waste of money and if a real live person with more money than they knew what to do with bought a rare comic and burned it, that wouldn't bother me in the slightest, but this does. This is infuriating.
Foob, 2014-07-10.
Saint Michael and Lizardbreath are playing badminton in the back yard. Lynn comes out of the house.
"What's all the noise out here?" she asks, grumpily.
"Michael hit the birdie onto the roof, an' now it's stuck up there." says Lizardbreath.
"Why don't you use another one? I gave you six! Where are they?" demands Lynn.
They're all on the roof.
Goddamn kids, always creating minor inconveniences for their eternally suffering parents! Sometimes it just makes you want to lock them outside in the snow!
Apartment 3-G actually spent the entire week on having Tommie tricking Tina into thinking Lily was a baby and not a deer, which Carol found hilarious.
Apartment 3-G, 2014-07-12.
Tina drives off in a cloud of dust...
"Giggle-snort-guffaw!" says Carol, looking dazed, or possibly drugged. "Oh, Tommie, I haven't laughed like this in ages!!"
"It was pretty funny, Carol." says Tommie, tilting her head like a confused puppy. "And kind of mean."
"Tina deserved it, Tommie. And by the way, you have a great poker face!"
"Thanks. My roommates think I'm the funny one."
No, Tommie. No they don't. No one thinks that.
And Mary Worth's prophet of the Lord, Olive, has been taken by her parents to the hospital to have a doctor take a look at the cyst on her torso.
Mary Worth, 2014-07-14.
Olive is startled by Dr. Kapuht when he enters the room.
This is understandable as the Doctor is making arcane gestures and glaring and is surrounded by a golden halo of crackling energy. Also, the corridor behind him is pitch black, and for just a moment he had a moustache, but it vanished.
"Gasp!" says Olive.
"Olive... what's wrong?" asks the holy one's father.
"Dr. Kapuht, I'm sorry about my daughter." says the prophet's mother. "She's scared."
"Yes. Of course." says Kapuht, menacingly.
OK, I'm pretty sure that doctor is Satan.
"Crazy Harry and I are going to Comic-Con in San Diego..." says John, smirking. "Why don't you come with us? If you can't find Starbuck Jones #115 at Comic-Con, it can't be found."
"You're right, John..." said Holly. "In fact, I probably wouldn't have to settle for a moldy reading copy... In fact, I could probably find a near mint copy... or even a mint copy... or a slabbed copy graded ten!!"
"Whoa!" says Harry, backing away and holding his hands up as though to defend himself. "Pump the breaks, Holly."
The whole issue of just going to Comic-Con on a whim aside, why the fuck is Holly even talking about getting a slabbed copy? She got a slabbed copy of the last issue she was looking for and immediately unsealed it.
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| Panel from Funky Winkerbean, 2014-06-06. |
I think collecting comic books is a dumb waste of money and if a real live person with more money than they knew what to do with bought a rare comic and burned it, that wouldn't bother me in the slightest, but this does. This is infuriating.
Foob, 2014-07-10.
Saint Michael and Lizardbreath are playing badminton in the back yard. Lynn comes out of the house.
"What's all the noise out here?" she asks, grumpily.
"Michael hit the birdie onto the roof, an' now it's stuck up there." says Lizardbreath.
"Why don't you use another one? I gave you six! Where are they?" demands Lynn.
They're all on the roof.
Goddamn kids, always creating minor inconveniences for their eternally suffering parents! Sometimes it just makes you want to lock them outside in the snow!
Apartment 3-G actually spent the entire week on having Tommie tricking Tina into thinking Lily was a baby and not a deer, which Carol found hilarious.
Apartment 3-G, 2014-07-12.
Tina drives off in a cloud of dust...
"Giggle-snort-guffaw!" says Carol, looking dazed, or possibly drugged. "Oh, Tommie, I haven't laughed like this in ages!!"
"It was pretty funny, Carol." says Tommie, tilting her head like a confused puppy. "And kind of mean."
"Tina deserved it, Tommie. And by the way, you have a great poker face!"
"Thanks. My roommates think I'm the funny one."
No, Tommie. No they don't. No one thinks that.
And Mary Worth's prophet of the Lord, Olive, has been taken by her parents to the hospital to have a doctor take a look at the cyst on her torso.
Mary Worth, 2014-07-14.
Olive is startled by Dr. Kapuht when he enters the room.
This is understandable as the Doctor is making arcane gestures and glaring and is surrounded by a golden halo of crackling energy. Also, the corridor behind him is pitch black, and for just a moment he had a moustache, but it vanished.
"Gasp!" says Olive.
"Olive... what's wrong?" asks the holy one's father.
"Dr. Kapuht, I'm sorry about my daughter." says the prophet's mother. "She's scared."
"Yes. Of course." says Kapuht, menacingly.
OK, I'm pretty sure that doctor is Satan.
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| Panel from Mary Worth, 2014-07-14. |
2014-06-30
Melodrama Monday: Terrible people getting everything they want
Luann and her friends have graduated from highschool and presumably will be starting university soon. Well, except for Rosa and Gunther, because they're going to Peru for some reason. If it were just Rosa it would be easy to understand; I'd want to get as far away from everyone from Pitts highschool as possible too, but that theory's sunk by her decision to bring Gunther with her. Other than Luann herself there's no one I'd be more keen to escape from. No, I take that back. Gunther is the worst.
Luann, 2014-06-30.
"Mom?" says Gunther. "I've made a huge decision. I'm -"
"Going to Peru next week with Rosa" says Mrs Berger cheerfully.
"Yes!" says Gunther. "How-"
"I heard you and Quill talking last night"
"Oh, so what do you-"
"I think it's time fo you to become your own person, Gunthie"
"Would that include finishing my own sen -"
"Remember when you said, 'why do I need a passport?'" she asks, holding it out to him.
Well, I guess that goes some way to explaining why Gunther is like he is. You'd think his mother would be less keen on getting him out of the house/country though. Maybe she's decided she likes Quill better and is planning on taking him in as her new son and forgetting Gunther ever existed. Wouldn't that be nice, if Gunther went to Peru and disappeared from the comic forever and we could all forget he ever existed? Just a strip three weeks from now with Luann mentioning that she missed his funeral with a footnote "Gunther died in the Amazon".
Speaking of people I wish were dead, Les Moore's been in Hollywood this week because his fucking awful book is being turned into an even worse TV movie and as usual he's acting like all this undeserved success and money is just the worst thing that's ever happened to him.
Funky Winkerbean, 2014-06-25.
Les sits in the office of Clay Wallace at Cable Movie Entertainment. Beside him he hallucinates that cat that represents his self-hatred or whatever.
"You've wasted your time creating a beautiful work of art, and you have my sympathy for that." says Clay. "Let me explain something... the folks paying the bills are 'Cable Movie Entertainment... not 'Cable Movie Art'!"
The cat rolls on the floor laughing. Presumably at the idea that anything Les produces could be described as "a beautiful work of art".
Poor Les, he's just too good at writing. What an incredible burden. Sure, he got to write the book and the screenplay and make shitloads of money off both of them, but now it turns out that these Hollywood philistines want to make some minor changes to his perfect, wonderful story about his perfect, wonderful dead wife. Lisa was the lucky one; She just died of cancer, she didn't have to suffer the unimaginable tragedy of being a successful writer.
And do you remember the girl in Mary Worth who seemed to be suffering from some sort of mental illness and hallucinated some fairies? Well, it didn't end there.
Mary Worth, 2014-06-18.
Later that night...
A pale woman in a white robe, with white wings spread behind her, surrounded by a blazing halo of brilliant light appears beside Olives bed. Olive sits up and stares at the woman in rapturous wonder.
An angel gives Olive a message.
The message, it turns out, was to stay away from the swimming pool, which makes sense as Olive can't swim, although it's a bit low-key for a messenger of God. Her parents regard this as a dream and are keen to ship Olive off to spend the day with Mary so that they can spend the day with each other.
The big surprise though is Mary. Rather than the obvious explanations of dream, hallucination or just a child making shit up, Mary's take on the situation is that it was an actual, real angel. I had assumed that this story was going to be about how the parents were too busy and self-absorbed to see that their daughter was mentally ill and Mary was going to save the day by convincing them to take Olive to a psychiatrist, so this development has thrown me a bit.
Now I'm hoping that this marks the comic's transition into the world of the supernatural, that fairies and angels are just real now and are going to start showing up all the time.
Another surprising development, this time in Rex Morgan. Remember Mrs Pierpont, the rich old lady who wanted to meet Sarah? Well, she's decided she likes Sarah and to basically give her whatever she wants, of course. And since Kelly's there she gets free stuff too.
Rex Morgan MD, 2014-06-29.
"Really, you have a chauffeur named Bugsy?" asks Kelly.
"Bugsy worked for my late husband when we were in the rackets..." says Mrs Pierpont. "... I mean the dry-cleaning business!"
Sarah is too young to have caught the slip and Kelly doesn't seem to have noticed either.
"What about Mrs. Lanning?" asks Sarah. "Isn't she part of our book team anymore?"
"Do you want her to be?" asks Mrs Pierpont.
"She's actually been very good to Sarah!" says Kelly. "And I think her job depends on this project!"
"Actually, her job depends on me and my million bucks!" says Mrs Pierpont. "What do you think, Sarah... should I give it to them?"
Sarah looks incredulous.
"You're asking me... a little kid?"
"You're a smart girl! Should I give the museum a million dollars?"
Having never been given any reason to doubt that she is, in fact, a child of unrivalled intelligence and wisdom, Sarah quickly accepts the idea of adults asking her for advice.
"Absolutely!" she says.
And so begins Sarah's first step into the world of organised crime...
Luann, 2014-06-30.
"Mom?" says Gunther. "I've made a huge decision. I'm -"
"Going to Peru next week with Rosa" says Mrs Berger cheerfully.
"Yes!" says Gunther. "How-"
"I heard you and Quill talking last night"
"Oh, so what do you-"
"I think it's time fo you to become your own person, Gunthie"
"Would that include finishing my own sen -"
"Remember when you said, 'why do I need a passport?'" she asks, holding it out to him.
Well, I guess that goes some way to explaining why Gunther is like he is. You'd think his mother would be less keen on getting him out of the house/country though. Maybe she's decided she likes Quill better and is planning on taking him in as her new son and forgetting Gunther ever existed. Wouldn't that be nice, if Gunther went to Peru and disappeared from the comic forever and we could all forget he ever existed? Just a strip three weeks from now with Luann mentioning that she missed his funeral with a footnote "Gunther died in the Amazon".
Speaking of people I wish were dead, Les Moore's been in Hollywood this week because his fucking awful book is being turned into an even worse TV movie and as usual he's acting like all this undeserved success and money is just the worst thing that's ever happened to him.
Funky Winkerbean, 2014-06-25.
Les sits in the office of Clay Wallace at Cable Movie Entertainment. Beside him he hallucinates that cat that represents his self-hatred or whatever.
"You've wasted your time creating a beautiful work of art, and you have my sympathy for that." says Clay. "Let me explain something... the folks paying the bills are 'Cable Movie Entertainment... not 'Cable Movie Art'!"
The cat rolls on the floor laughing. Presumably at the idea that anything Les produces could be described as "a beautiful work of art".
Poor Les, he's just too good at writing. What an incredible burden. Sure, he got to write the book and the screenplay and make shitloads of money off both of them, but now it turns out that these Hollywood philistines want to make some minor changes to his perfect, wonderful story about his perfect, wonderful dead wife. Lisa was the lucky one; She just died of cancer, she didn't have to suffer the unimaginable tragedy of being a successful writer.
And do you remember the girl in Mary Worth who seemed to be suffering from some sort of mental illness and hallucinated some fairies? Well, it didn't end there.
Mary Worth, 2014-06-18.
Later that night...
A pale woman in a white robe, with white wings spread behind her, surrounded by a blazing halo of brilliant light appears beside Olives bed. Olive sits up and stares at the woman in rapturous wonder.
An angel gives Olive a message.
The message, it turns out, was to stay away from the swimming pool, which makes sense as Olive can't swim, although it's a bit low-key for a messenger of God. Her parents regard this as a dream and are keen to ship Olive off to spend the day with Mary so that they can spend the day with each other.
The big surprise though is Mary. Rather than the obvious explanations of dream, hallucination or just a child making shit up, Mary's take on the situation is that it was an actual, real angel. I had assumed that this story was going to be about how the parents were too busy and self-absorbed to see that their daughter was mentally ill and Mary was going to save the day by convincing them to take Olive to a psychiatrist, so this development has thrown me a bit.
Now I'm hoping that this marks the comic's transition into the world of the supernatural, that fairies and angels are just real now and are going to start showing up all the time.
Another surprising development, this time in Rex Morgan. Remember Mrs Pierpont, the rich old lady who wanted to meet Sarah? Well, she's decided she likes Sarah and to basically give her whatever she wants, of course. And since Kelly's there she gets free stuff too.
Rex Morgan MD, 2014-06-29.
"Really, you have a chauffeur named Bugsy?" asks Kelly.
"Bugsy worked for my late husband when we were in the rackets..." says Mrs Pierpont. "... I mean the dry-cleaning business!"
Sarah is too young to have caught the slip and Kelly doesn't seem to have noticed either.
"What about Mrs. Lanning?" asks Sarah. "Isn't she part of our book team anymore?"
"Do you want her to be?" asks Mrs Pierpont.
"She's actually been very good to Sarah!" says Kelly. "And I think her job depends on this project!"
"Actually, her job depends on me and my million bucks!" says Mrs Pierpont. "What do you think, Sarah... should I give it to them?"
Sarah looks incredulous.
"You're asking me... a little kid?"
"You're a smart girl! Should I give the museum a million dollars?"
Having never been given any reason to doubt that she is, in fact, a child of unrivalled intelligence and wisdom, Sarah quickly accepts the idea of adults asking her for advice.
"Absolutely!" she says.
And so begins Sarah's first step into the world of organised crime...
2014-06-16
Melodrama Monday: Bullies are people who hate themselves
This week, Mary Worth met Olive, a little girl who seems to suffer from vivid hallucinations. Mary took her on a tour of the garden and showed her the roses, and Olive saw fairies amongst the flowers.
Mary Worth, 2014-06-11.
"Do you see them? The flower fairies?" asks Olive.
"Sure..." ays Mary, stifling a giggle.
"Flower fairies!" she thinks. "What an imagination this girl has!"
I guess Mary doesn't have much experience with children, because if we, the audience, hadn't been clued in by the art that the girl was hallucinating, here wouldn't seem to be anything remarkable about what that girl said. Kids talk about make-believe stuff all the time.
Combined with the way the fairies are drawn, as though actually in the scene, Mary's ludicrous over-reaction to how incredibly imaginative Olive is leads me to conclude that Olive is actually mentally ill. If this turns into a boring story of a kid who feels neglected by her busy parents I'll be very disappointed.
And the big reveal in Luann, the culmination of Bernice's secret plan with Tiffany...
Bernice got a haircut, then hid it under a wig that looked exactly like her old hair so that she could dramatically remove the wig as part of her graduation speech. That's it. I'm not even going to write this one out, it's too dumb.
In Funky Winkerbean news, Wally and Rachel got married. In the only wedding I've ever seen that could be mistaken for a funeral. And eventually (because of the rain) the ceremony was carried out in Montoni's, because that is literally the only business operating in Westview other than the comic shop.
Funky Winkerbean, 2014-06-14.
"Now, where were we...?" asks the officiant.
"I do!" says Rachel.
"I do too!" Wally replies.
"Done!" says the officiant, understandably eager to be done with this and go somewhere less awful.
"I hope they'll be happy." says Holly.
"I don't see why not..." says Funky, smirking. "They don't call Montoni's 'the wedding chapel of love' for nothing!"
They don't call it that, Funky. No one calls it that.
And in Rex Morgan, Sarah stood up to a bully who then immediately backed down, because that's what happens, right? I don't know how bullies even still exist since all you have to do is stand up to them once and you solve the problem forever.
Rex Morgan, MD, 2014-06-16.
Mrs. Pierpont request to meet Sarah after watching her handle the class bully!
"You handled that pugnacious reprobate quite adroitly, Sarah!" says Mrs Pierpont, presumably in a posh English accent.
"Uh...?" says Sarah.
"Nice job on the way you handled that class bully!" explains Mrs. Pierpont, because it's funny when posh people translate their fancy words into normal-person English.
"Thank you..." says Sarah, "that's what I thought you said."
Sarah actually had no idea, she just always assumes that people are complimenting her.
Safe Havens, 2014-06-16.
Dave and Samantha meet in an airport.
"Happy anniversary!" they yell as they run toward each other.
"Wait." says Dave. "Something's —"
"I know." says Samantha. "Palmtop has a new family, and grandma's ring is on tour with Bambi. For the first time..."
"We're alone!" they say together.
Dave is conspicuously still wearing his "Google Glass device" though, so presumably they're only alone if you don't count all the people watching online.
Mary Worth, 2014-06-11.
"Do you see them? The flower fairies?" asks Olive.
"Sure..." ays Mary, stifling a giggle.
"Flower fairies!" she thinks. "What an imagination this girl has!"
I guess Mary doesn't have much experience with children, because if we, the audience, hadn't been clued in by the art that the girl was hallucinating, here wouldn't seem to be anything remarkable about what that girl said. Kids talk about make-believe stuff all the time.
Combined with the way the fairies are drawn, as though actually in the scene, Mary's ludicrous over-reaction to how incredibly imaginative Olive is leads me to conclude that Olive is actually mentally ill. If this turns into a boring story of a kid who feels neglected by her busy parents I'll be very disappointed.
And the big reveal in Luann, the culmination of Bernice's secret plan with Tiffany...
Bernice got a haircut, then hid it under a wig that looked exactly like her old hair so that she could dramatically remove the wig as part of her graduation speech. That's it. I'm not even going to write this one out, it's too dumb.
In Funky Winkerbean news, Wally and Rachel got married. In the only wedding I've ever seen that could be mistaken for a funeral. And eventually (because of the rain) the ceremony was carried out in Montoni's, because that is literally the only business operating in Westview other than the comic shop.
Funky Winkerbean, 2014-06-14.
"Now, where were we...?" asks the officiant.
"I do!" says Rachel.
"I do too!" Wally replies.
"Done!" says the officiant, understandably eager to be done with this and go somewhere less awful.
"I hope they'll be happy." says Holly.
"I don't see why not..." says Funky, smirking. "They don't call Montoni's 'the wedding chapel of love' for nothing!"
They don't call it that, Funky. No one calls it that.
And in Rex Morgan, Sarah stood up to a bully who then immediately backed down, because that's what happens, right? I don't know how bullies even still exist since all you have to do is stand up to them once and you solve the problem forever.
Rex Morgan, MD, 2014-06-16.
Mrs. Pierpont request to meet Sarah after watching her handle the class bully!
"You handled that pugnacious reprobate quite adroitly, Sarah!" says Mrs Pierpont, presumably in a posh English accent.
"Uh...?" says Sarah.
"Nice job on the way you handled that class bully!" explains Mrs. Pierpont, because it's funny when posh people translate their fancy words into normal-person English.
"Thank you..." says Sarah, "that's what I thought you said."
Sarah actually had no idea, she just always assumes that people are complimenting her.
Safe Havens, 2014-06-16.
Dave and Samantha meet in an airport.
"Happy anniversary!" they yell as they run toward each other.
"Wait." says Dave. "Something's —"
"I know." says Samantha. "Palmtop has a new family, and grandma's ring is on tour with Bambi. For the first time..."
"We're alone!" they say together.
Dave is conspicuously still wearing his "Google Glass device" though, so presumably they're only alone if you don't count all the people watching online.
2014-06-02
Melodrama Monday: I don't understand any of this
Basically nothing at all happened in Rex Morgan MD this week. Sarah was told she had to wear a hat and she didn't want to but then Kelly distracted her by suggesting she paint a bus. That is, paint a picture of a bus. Then Kelly went to the museum café and got some apple juice, where she learned from Holly the café worker that part of Sarah's contract is free snacks. So it's been a non-stop thrill-ride, basically.
Rex Morgan, 2014-06-02.
"Don't forget, Kelly..." says Holly, "I want to meet Sarah after my shift!"
"Just come down to the studio..." says Kelly, "we'll be there for a couple more hours!"
As she leaves, Kelly overhears Ms. Lanning talking to an old man.
"Mrs. Pierpont wants to meet Sarah... now?" she asks.
"She's on her way..." says the man, "and she's not very happy!"
I literally cannot imagine what is going on here.
And in Funky Winkerbean, Holly has discovered that the only available copies of the last two comics she needs to complete her son's collection are owned by... I can hardly even bring myself to type this... Chester Hagglemore. Seriously, that's his actual name. Ironically, he's actually easygoing and generous. No, of course he isn't, because this is Funky Winkerbean where everything is terrible always.
So in preparation for meeting Chester "the chiseler" Hagglemore (yeah, he needed that nickname because his actual name being "Hagglemore" wasn't enough) Holly obtains "an original splash page featuring the Amazing Mister Sponge". She does this by just going to the writer and asking because she already knows him. So she arrives at Hagglemore's house, which is a mansion with Batman and Superman logos on the gates and presses the button for the intercom...
Funky Winkerbean, 2014-06-01.
"Hello?" says Holly. "Mr. Hagglemore... I'm Holly Winkerbean... we talked on the phone."
"I'm busy today, Mrs. Winkerbean..." says Chester. "Come back some other time."
"See this?" says Holly, holding up the splash page in front of the camera. "It's an Amazing Mister Sponge splash page."
She holds up a pair of scissors.
"See these?"
The gate opens.
So, they talked on the phone and presumably he agreed to see her, otherwise why would she be there? So he's just being a dick for no reason. But apparently she anticipated this and brought the scissors so she could threaten to destroy her own property if he didn't let her in. And that worked. I'm speechless.
But on the other hand, I ca't say enough about Carol and Jack in Apartment 3-G. They're amazing. Their conversation is basically a sequence of non-sequiturs and ambiguous insults. They're apparently a couple, but Carol's been away for three months and they haven't spoken at all in that time.
Apartment 3-G, 2014-05-30.
"I see you have a new bird with a broken wing." says Carol.
"You met Tommie?" says Jack.
"Yes, I've met Tommie. She insists she's not in love with you, Jack."
"Leave her be, Carol. She doesn't understand your games."
Does anyone? I certainly don't. I am enjoying it though.
Rex Morgan, 2014-06-02.
"Don't forget, Kelly..." says Holly, "I want to meet Sarah after my shift!"
"Just come down to the studio..." says Kelly, "we'll be there for a couple more hours!"
As she leaves, Kelly overhears Ms. Lanning talking to an old man.
"Mrs. Pierpont wants to meet Sarah... now?" she asks.
"She's on her way..." says the man, "and she's not very happy!"
I literally cannot imagine what is going on here.
And in Funky Winkerbean, Holly has discovered that the only available copies of the last two comics she needs to complete her son's collection are owned by... I can hardly even bring myself to type this... Chester Hagglemore. Seriously, that's his actual name. Ironically, he's actually easygoing and generous. No, of course he isn't, because this is Funky Winkerbean where everything is terrible always.
So in preparation for meeting Chester "the chiseler" Hagglemore (yeah, he needed that nickname because his actual name being "Hagglemore" wasn't enough) Holly obtains "an original splash page featuring the Amazing Mister Sponge". She does this by just going to the writer and asking because she already knows him. So she arrives at Hagglemore's house, which is a mansion with Batman and Superman logos on the gates and presses the button for the intercom...
Funky Winkerbean, 2014-06-01.
"Hello?" says Holly. "Mr. Hagglemore... I'm Holly Winkerbean... we talked on the phone."
"I'm busy today, Mrs. Winkerbean..." says Chester. "Come back some other time."
"See this?" says Holly, holding up the splash page in front of the camera. "It's an Amazing Mister Sponge splash page."
She holds up a pair of scissors.
"See these?"
The gate opens.
So, they talked on the phone and presumably he agreed to see her, otherwise why would she be there? So he's just being a dick for no reason. But apparently she anticipated this and brought the scissors so she could threaten to destroy her own property if he didn't let her in. And that worked. I'm speechless.
But on the other hand, I ca't say enough about Carol and Jack in Apartment 3-G. They're amazing. Their conversation is basically a sequence of non-sequiturs and ambiguous insults. They're apparently a couple, but Carol's been away for three months and they haven't spoken at all in that time.
Apartment 3-G, 2014-05-30.
"I see you have a new bird with a broken wing." says Carol.
"You met Tommie?" says Jack.
"Yes, I've met Tommie. She insists she's not in love with you, Jack."
"Leave her be, Carol. She doesn't understand your games."
Does anyone? I certainly don't. I am enjoying it though.
2014-05-12
Melodrama Monday: All the thrills of online shopping
Literally nothing has happened in Apartment 3-G or Mary Worth this week and it's just been an all-round uneventful week in the soaps. All I'm really left with for this Monday is Funky Winkerbean, so brace yourself for disappointment.
Last Monday, Holly put a bid on a comic on eBay, and was feeling pretty pleased with herself until John and Harry at Komix Korner informed her that someone would just put a bid in at the last minute to beat her.
Funky Winkerbean, 2014-05-09.
Holly is sitting at her computer.
"In less than two minutes Starbuck Jones #36 will be mine!" she says to no one. "I should get an email ping if anyone outbids me."
PING! PING! PING! PING! PING! goes her computer.
"Uh-oh...!" she says.
But then she won the auction anyway. No idea how much she ended up spending, but she had to raise her bid over 30 times, so I'm guessing it's gone a bit above the $10 she was hoping to spend.
But don't worry, the exciting "buying comics online" story isn't over yet, she still has several other issues to find! I don't think the exact number has even been revealed, so this could drag on for the rest of the year, easily. I don't know about you, but I'm so excited I can hardly keep my eyes open.
Last Monday, Holly put a bid on a comic on eBay, and was feeling pretty pleased with herself until John and Harry at Komix Korner informed her that someone would just put a bid in at the last minute to beat her.
Funky Winkerbean, 2014-05-09.
Holly is sitting at her computer.
"In less than two minutes Starbuck Jones #36 will be mine!" she says to no one. "I should get an email ping if anyone outbids me."
PING! PING! PING! PING! PING! goes her computer.
"Uh-oh...!" she says.
But then she won the auction anyway. No idea how much she ended up spending, but she had to raise her bid over 30 times, so I'm guessing it's gone a bit above the $10 she was hoping to spend.
But don't worry, the exciting "buying comics online" story isn't over yet, she still has several other issues to find! I don't think the exact number has even been revealed, so this could drag on for the rest of the year, easily. I don't know about you, but I'm so excited I can hardly keep my eyes open.
2014-03-31
Melodrama Monday: People who love to hear themselves talk
Tommie in Apartment 3-G just spent the entire week telling Lu Ann that she found a vet who might be willing to take the deer off her hands and completely failed to mention what exactly she thinks anyone would want with an orphaned deer that's now spent half its life living in a New York City apartment. She hasn't actually spoken to this vet either, she's just assuming that it will all work out.
"Tommie," asks Lu Ann, "did you get an appointment for Lily?"
"Not yet, Lu Ann." says Tommie. "I've called Jack Riley, but no one answers. I made another call, Lu Ann. And this time I got an answer."
"From Jack Riley?" asks Lu Ann, who apparently wasn't paying attention.
"From the town clerk in Happiness Falls!" says Tommie.
"That's the little burg where Jack Riley lives, Lu Ann." they both say in eerie unison.
"How did the town clerk help, Tommie?" asks Lu Ann.
"She gave me the lowdown on Jack Riley." says Tommie, giving a thumbs-up. "It seems he's the original cranky guy with a heart of gold."
"Maybe it's true, Tommie!" says Lu Ann, again clearly not paying attention.
So with no real reason to suppose that Jack Riley will take the deer or do anything to help her at all, Tommie packed the car, took the deer and drove to Happiness Falls.
In Judge Parker, Alan and Katherine, having accidentally brought down a surveillance drone, decided it wasn't really a priority and went to meet April's father.
"It's an honor to meet you, Alan!" says Abbott. "I thoroughly enjoyed 'The Chambers Affair'!"
"That's good to hear, Abbott!" says Alan. "We're writing the screenplay now!"
"April mentioned that! If it's half as good as the book..." says Abbott, "...you'll take Hollywood by storm!"
Alan basks in the absurd praise.
He did eventually get around to telling Abbott about the drone, but he has his priorities. First you have to tell him you love his book, then you can move on to other matters.
This week in Funky Winkerbean Holly made an off-hand remark about comic books being a boy thing and Donna took that as an opportunity to tell a boring story.
"Comic books aren't solely a guys' domain, Holly." says Donna. "After all, you're talking to the gal who once bore the sobriquet of the 'Eliminator.'"
Cut to sepia-toned flashback.
"The 'Eliminator' is one of the coolest guys on the planet." says a slack-jawed boy as he watches Donna, disguised in a ridiculous helmet, playing an arcade machine.
"Heh, heh..." thinks Donna. "Little do they know."
This went on for another four days, believe it or not, and in the end the message seems to be "Comics aren't just for boys. I know, because I used to play video games wearing a disguise so that no one would know I was a girl." I'm really not sure how that evidence was supposed to support that point.
"Tommie," asks Lu Ann, "did you get an appointment for Lily?"
"Not yet, Lu Ann." says Tommie. "I've called Jack Riley, but no one answers. I made another call, Lu Ann. And this time I got an answer."
"From Jack Riley?" asks Lu Ann, who apparently wasn't paying attention.
"From the town clerk in Happiness Falls!" says Tommie.
"That's the little burg where Jack Riley lives, Lu Ann." they both say in eerie unison.
"How did the town clerk help, Tommie?" asks Lu Ann.
"She gave me the lowdown on Jack Riley." says Tommie, giving a thumbs-up. "It seems he's the original cranky guy with a heart of gold."
"Maybe it's true, Tommie!" says Lu Ann, again clearly not paying attention.
So with no real reason to suppose that Jack Riley will take the deer or do anything to help her at all, Tommie packed the car, took the deer and drove to Happiness Falls.
In Judge Parker, Alan and Katherine, having accidentally brought down a surveillance drone, decided it wasn't really a priority and went to meet April's father.
"It's an honor to meet you, Alan!" says Abbott. "I thoroughly enjoyed 'The Chambers Affair'!"
"That's good to hear, Abbott!" says Alan. "We're writing the screenplay now!"
"April mentioned that! If it's half as good as the book..." says Abbott, "...you'll take Hollywood by storm!"
Alan basks in the absurd praise.
He did eventually get around to telling Abbott about the drone, but he has his priorities. First you have to tell him you love his book, then you can move on to other matters.
This week in Funky Winkerbean Holly made an off-hand remark about comic books being a boy thing and Donna took that as an opportunity to tell a boring story.
"Comic books aren't solely a guys' domain, Holly." says Donna. "After all, you're talking to the gal who once bore the sobriquet of the 'Eliminator.'"
Cut to sepia-toned flashback.
"The 'Eliminator' is one of the coolest guys on the planet." says a slack-jawed boy as he watches Donna, disguised in a ridiculous helmet, playing an arcade machine.
"Heh, heh..." thinks Donna. "Little do they know."
This went on for another four days, believe it or not, and in the end the message seems to be "Comics aren't just for boys. I know, because I used to play video games wearing a disguise so that no one would know I was a girl." I'm really not sure how that evidence was supposed to support that point.
2014-03-24
Melodrama Monday: Comics About Comics
Mary Worth has left us on a cliffhanger today — did Tommy fall back into old habits; is he currently sleeping off a hangover (or worse), or is he just tired? This could be interesting, but right now we just have to wait.
So instead let's talk about the Batiukiverse (a term I just came up with to describe the world of Funky Winkerbean, Crankshaft and John Darling). Did you know that Tom Batiuk likes comic books? He's often done comic book and super hero parodies and the comic shop is one of the key locations in Funky Winkerbean, but it seems like he's now turning both his current comics into stories of people buying and reading comic books.
For a while now, Holly in Funky Winkerbean has been attempting to help her son Cory complete his comic book collection while he's serving overseas in the military, but now Jeff in Crankshaft has spent the last week looking through his old comic book collection in the attic and has just decided to try to find one he's missing on eBay.
So that's what Batiuk's comics are about now. People finding, buying and reading old comic books. It's just that from here on out.
"Hey, donna." says Holly, smirking.
"Hi, Holly..." says Donna with a smirk. "I'm just waiting for Crazy to get off work upstairs at the Komix Korner. Speaking of which, Crazy told me all about the comic book quest you're on for Cory."
"Yeah..." says Holly, "I suppose it's my way of getting in touch with my 'Y' chromosome."
The two exchange knowing smirks.
"I could never find the issue of 'Action Comics' that contained the second part of the 'Congorilla' story in this comic book." says Jeff sadly, to no one. "I've spent my whole life wondering how it ended, and then it hit me... eBay!"
He smiles as he sits down at his computer, unaware as yet that the chances off finding a specific, obscure issue of an old comic book for sale at a reasonable price are practically non-existent.
So instead let's talk about the Batiukiverse (a term I just came up with to describe the world of Funky Winkerbean, Crankshaft and John Darling). Did you know that Tom Batiuk likes comic books? He's often done comic book and super hero parodies and the comic shop is one of the key locations in Funky Winkerbean, but it seems like he's now turning both his current comics into stories of people buying and reading comic books.
For a while now, Holly in Funky Winkerbean has been attempting to help her son Cory complete his comic book collection while he's serving overseas in the military, but now Jeff in Crankshaft has spent the last week looking through his old comic book collection in the attic and has just decided to try to find one he's missing on eBay.
So that's what Batiuk's comics are about now. People finding, buying and reading old comic books. It's just that from here on out.
"Hey, donna." says Holly, smirking.
"Hi, Holly..." says Donna with a smirk. "I'm just waiting for Crazy to get off work upstairs at the Komix Korner. Speaking of which, Crazy told me all about the comic book quest you're on for Cory."
"Yeah..." says Holly, "I suppose it's my way of getting in touch with my 'Y' chromosome."
The two exchange knowing smirks.
"I could never find the issue of 'Action Comics' that contained the second part of the 'Congorilla' story in this comic book." says Jeff sadly, to no one. "I've spent my whole life wondering how it ended, and then it hit me... eBay!"
He smiles as he sits down at his computer, unaware as yet that the chances off finding a specific, obscure issue of an old comic book for sale at a reasonable price are practically non-existent.
2013-11-30
Love and the unloveable
Ziggy opens his front door to find himself on the receiving end of a visit from Homeland Security.
"...but everybody gets email from Nigeria!" he protests.
The DHS agent does not appear to find that very amusing.
Ziggy, 2013-11-25.
The Lockhorns are sitting on a couch.
"You'd lay down your life for me?" asks Loretta, eagerly. "How soon?"
The Lockhorns, 2013-11-25.
Eww, that's disgusting. Don't do that.
"...but everybody gets email from Nigeria!" he protests.
The DHS agent does not appear to find that very amusing.
Ziggy, 2013-11-25.
The Lockhorns are sitting on a couch.
"You'd lay down your life for me?" asks Loretta, eagerly. "How soon?"
The Lockhorns, 2013-11-25.
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| Funky Winkerbean, 2013-11-25. |
2013-10-18
2013-08-14
Pondering Funky Winkerbean
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| Funky Winkerbean, 2013-08-09. |
2013-07-20
Highlighting Funky Winkerbean
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| Funky Winkerbean, 2013-07-16. |
2012-06-12
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