The Born Loser, 2014-08-08.
Brutus is on the telephone.
"I'd like a large pizza with goat cheese, green olives, pineapple and extra anchovies." he says.
"You're joking, right?" asks the person he's speaking to. "You don't really want to order your pizza with those toppings, do you?"
"What's the difference?" asks Brutus. "You never get my order right anyway!"
Where to even start with this? How about the pizza. It sounds pretty good. I'd totally eat that. What the hell is pizza guy's problem? Secondly, if this pizza place keeps screwing up Brutus's orders, why is he still ordering from them? There has got to be another pizza place he could call. Thirdly, maybe they'd get your order right, Brutus, if you ordered something that was actually on the menu.
Buni, 2014-08-08.
Buni is walking down the street when a shadowy figure in an alley attracts his attention. It turns out that the bear (I think it's a bear but it's hard to tell) is selling unicorn horns. Buni is horrified at the thought of unicorns being killed for their horns (even though unicorns are arseholes), but the bear is quick to reassure him. These are fake unicorn horns, and so Buni buys one.
Later we see the bear at home, carving a unicorn horn from a bone. Behind him sits a one-legged panda. The implication is that the fake unicorn horns are actually made from panda bones.
Hi and Lois, 2014-08-18.
"Maybe we could watch a movie later, just us." suggests Hiram.
"That would be nice." says Lois. "What should we watch?"
"There are so many we haven't seen." says Hiram.
"Movie night?!" says Dot.
"Pop-corn!" says Ditto.
"Cartoons again." sighs Hiram.
Jesus Christ, Hi, just watch whatever you want after the kids go to bed. Wasn't that your plan originally anyway? If you don't want to watch the kids movie, do something else while it's on.
Pajama Diaries, 2014-08-19.
"School's starting soon." thinks Jill. "Time to wash Jess's backpack."
She tips the contents from the foul-smelling backpack before bleaching and scrubbing it.
"Yeah... no one uses backpacks at middle school." says Jess. "I'm taking a tote."
That stinking backpack full of garbage just sat around like that all summer? Ew. And is the implication here that washing it was unnecessary because Jess doesn't want to use it? I'm pretty sure you'd want to wash it before putting it away anyway, but I guess if that were the case then you already would have.
Showing posts with label Hi and Lois. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Hi and Lois. Show all posts
2014-08-21
2014-07-11
Philosophical Friday: Nagging Wives
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| Freshly Squeezed, 2014-07-07. |
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| Hi and Lois, 2014-07-08. |
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| Marvin, 2014-07-08. |
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| Ballard Street, 2014-07-11. |
Wives, always throwing away treasured possessions!
Never the other way around, you may notice. And there's no chance of any sort of negotiation or compromise or even just talking to each other like grown adults who respect each other. Because men are disgusting slobs who will happily live in filth and women are joyless nags who exist to impose neatness and cleanliness on men. Obviously.
2014-07-10
Sitcom Thursday: Everyone's favourite character returns!
Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 2014-07-07.
Snuffy stands in the middle of a trashed room. Food, clothes, furniture and miscellaneous items are scattered haphazardly about.
"Loweezy's been gone fer days visitin' her sister !!" says Snuffy to no one. "What's she gonna say when she comes home an' sees th' big mess I made ?!"
"I'll tell ya what she's gonna say..." says Loweezy, walking through the door at that very moment. "Good thing I brought our niece Bizzy Buzz Buzz home wif me !!"
"Unca Snuffy !!" says Bizzy.
Oh, Bizzy Buzz Buzz, we all remember her, right? No? You mean you don't recognise a character who appeared three times in 1964 and never again? Well, surely you remember her four appearances in the Snuffy Smith and Barney Google animated series, also in 1964? No? Well, apparently she's back. And her gimmick is that she likes to clean things. So that's why it was a good thing that Loweezy brought her.
Given that she seems to feature every this week, John Rose has now more than doubled the number of strips she appears in. And it's about time. The fans have been clamouring for her return for fifty years now! I wonder if she'll end up appearing more frequently than Barney Google?
Moose and Molly, 2014-07-08.
The phone rings. Moose answers.
"Molly!" It's a survey!" he calls. "Do you still love me?"
"Tell them I'll give it some thought and call them back!" calls Molly from the next room.
Before Moose can react, Molly is in his arms.
"Just kidding, honey!" she says.
I love this running joke of Molly pretending that she doesn't love Moose any more then instantly taking it back. It's bizarre, and Moose falls for it every time. Also, what kind of survey is this?
Herb and Jamaal, 2014-07-09.
Jamaal has been playing basketball.
"Awesome game, Jamaal." says a child. "You play pretty well."
"That was a nice compliment." thinks Jamaal happily. "And I'm glad he didn't ruin it by saying..."
He scowls.
"for your age."
Jamaal just made himself angry about something that someone didn't say or even imply, but hypothetically could have done.
Hi and Lois, 2014-07-10.
Ditto has set up a lemonade stand.
"How's business?" asks Lois.
"Good!" says Ditto. "Mr. Thurston is my best customer."
"I didn't know he liked lemonade."
"He pours something in it from a little bottle he has in his pocket."
It's funny because "Thirsty" Thurston is an alcoholic.
Snuffy stands in the middle of a trashed room. Food, clothes, furniture and miscellaneous items are scattered haphazardly about.
"Loweezy's been gone fer days visitin' her sister !!" says Snuffy to no one. "What's she gonna say when she comes home an' sees th' big mess I made ?!"
"I'll tell ya what she's gonna say..." says Loweezy, walking through the door at that very moment. "Good thing I brought our niece Bizzy Buzz Buzz home wif me !!"
"Unca Snuffy !!" says Bizzy.
Oh, Bizzy Buzz Buzz, we all remember her, right? No? You mean you don't recognise a character who appeared three times in 1964 and never again? Well, surely you remember her four appearances in the Snuffy Smith and Barney Google animated series, also in 1964? No? Well, apparently she's back. And her gimmick is that she likes to clean things. So that's why it was a good thing that Loweezy brought her.
Given that she seems to feature every this week, John Rose has now more than doubled the number of strips she appears in. And it's about time. The fans have been clamouring for her return for fifty years now! I wonder if she'll end up appearing more frequently than Barney Google?
Moose and Molly, 2014-07-08.
The phone rings. Moose answers.
"Molly!" It's a survey!" he calls. "Do you still love me?"
"Tell them I'll give it some thought and call them back!" calls Molly from the next room.
Before Moose can react, Molly is in his arms.
"Just kidding, honey!" she says.
I love this running joke of Molly pretending that she doesn't love Moose any more then instantly taking it back. It's bizarre, and Moose falls for it every time. Also, what kind of survey is this?
Herb and Jamaal, 2014-07-09.
Jamaal has been playing basketball.
"Awesome game, Jamaal." says a child. "You play pretty well."
"That was a nice compliment." thinks Jamaal happily. "And I'm glad he didn't ruin it by saying..."
He scowls.
"for your age."
Jamaal just made himself angry about something that someone didn't say or even imply, but hypothetically could have done.
Hi and Lois, 2014-07-10.
Ditto has set up a lemonade stand.
"How's business?" asks Lois.
"Good!" says Ditto. "Mr. Thurston is my best customer."
"I didn't know he liked lemonade."
"He pours something in it from a little bottle he has in his pocket."
It's funny because "Thirsty" Thurston is an alcoholic.
2014-06-05
Sitcom Thursday: Hiram classes it up
Brewster Rockit: Space Guy!, 2014-06-02.
"Smart guns that only work for their owners. Smart cars that steer themselves." says Dr Mel. "Smart gadgets are the future! I'm creating other smart gadgets. Like the smart fork!"
Brewster doesn't reply.
Meanwhile, Cliff is using Mel's new fork.
"I think you've had enough." says the fork.
Mel's a bit behind the times. Those already exist.
Dustin, 2014-06-03.
Meg is writing in her diary.
"Tomorrow I plan to confess my darkest, most closely guarded secret ever." she writes. "A secret so ignominious, that heretofore, I have been unable to risk its disclosure, even here."
Later, as Meg is eating at the kitchen table, Dustin comes into the room.
"Meg, quick question..." he says. "What does 'ignominious' mean?"
Meg is horrified at the realisation that her brother reads her diary.
At first I wondered why Dustin would read Meg's diary. I doubt it can be of any interest to him. But then I realised, he must have known when he asked that question that Meg would realise that he'd been reading it, but he would still have plausible deniability, so the reason becomes clear. He read his sister's diary to annoy her. Fair enough.
Hi and Lois, 2014-06-03.
His is unshaven and dressed casually.
"My book group is coming over." says Lois. "Can you make yourself a little more presentable?"
"OK." says Hi and goes off to do so.
Later, Lois enters the living-room to find Hi seated in an armchair, now dressed in a smoking jacket, monocle and ascot, holding a pipe and a snifter.
"I went for the literary look." he says.
You've got to admire his dedication to the joke. Also the fact that he already owned all those things.
Andy Capp, 2014-06-04.
Andy staggers onto the pitch, hiccuping.
"Fancy turning up for football after being in the pub." says one of his team-mates. "Disgraceful"
"He's in no fit state to play" says another, as Andy collapses.
"Hold on," says the first, "I think he could do a job in goal"
So they get some rope and tie his arms to the top of the goal, hanging him there as a sort of makeshift barrier.
"Smart guns that only work for their owners. Smart cars that steer themselves." says Dr Mel. "Smart gadgets are the future! I'm creating other smart gadgets. Like the smart fork!"
Brewster doesn't reply.
Meanwhile, Cliff is using Mel's new fork.
"I think you've had enough." says the fork.
Mel's a bit behind the times. Those already exist.
Dustin, 2014-06-03.
Meg is writing in her diary.
"Tomorrow I plan to confess my darkest, most closely guarded secret ever." she writes. "A secret so ignominious, that heretofore, I have been unable to risk its disclosure, even here."
Later, as Meg is eating at the kitchen table, Dustin comes into the room.
"Meg, quick question..." he says. "What does 'ignominious' mean?"
Meg is horrified at the realisation that her brother reads her diary.
At first I wondered why Dustin would read Meg's diary. I doubt it can be of any interest to him. But then I realised, he must have known when he asked that question that Meg would realise that he'd been reading it, but he would still have plausible deniability, so the reason becomes clear. He read his sister's diary to annoy her. Fair enough.
Hi and Lois, 2014-06-03.
His is unshaven and dressed casually.
"My book group is coming over." says Lois. "Can you make yourself a little more presentable?"
"OK." says Hi and goes off to do so.
Later, Lois enters the living-room to find Hi seated in an armchair, now dressed in a smoking jacket, monocle and ascot, holding a pipe and a snifter.
"I went for the literary look." he says.
You've got to admire his dedication to the joke. Also the fact that he already owned all those things.
Andy Capp, 2014-06-04.
Andy staggers onto the pitch, hiccuping.
"Fancy turning up for football after being in the pub." says one of his team-mates. "Disgraceful"
"He's in no fit state to play" says another, as Andy collapses.
"Hold on," says the first, "I think he could do a job in goal"
So they get some rope and tie his arms to the top of the goal, hanging him there as a sort of makeshift barrier.
2014-05-22
Sitcom Thursday: Straight to the Moon
Crock, 2014-05-16.
"Starting today there'll be extra meat rations for all" says Crock.
The men cheer.
"The men love you, sir" says a legionnaire.
"I loved that ol' horse of mine, too" says Crock.
I guess the implication here is supposed to be that the extra meat ration is horse, so, ha ha, it's funny 'cause they're eating horse. But they're in the French foreign legion, and horse meat is actually eaten in France. This strip only works if you ignore the entire premise of the comic.
Beetle Bailey, 2014-05-20.
Sgt. Snorkel examines what appears to be an almost life-size statue of Pvt. Bailey.
"What's that?" he asks. "It sort of looks like Beetle."
"I built it..." says Cpl. Yo. "It's a robot"
"How does it work?" asks the sergeant.
"It doesn't!" says Yo, happily.
Oh, just like the real Beetle. I get it.
Seriously though, Cpl. Yo made a statue just so he could do this joke. That's dedication.
Hi and Lois, 2014-05-20.
Hi is at work when his phone rings.
"Who is this?" he asks.
"Abercrombie. You garbage man." says the person on the other end of the call. "Has your wife talked to you about all this stuff she's throwing away?"
Meanwhile at the Flagston residence, Abercrombie is indeed on the phone to Hi and is looking at a pile of things that have been left out for him to take away, including some records, sporting equipment and an old TV.
People in comic strips have really weird relationships with the garbage collectors. My garbage gets taken away by people I don't know and have never met. I don't even know what time they come around.
Beetle Bailey, 2014-05-21.
Pvt. Bailey and Sheila are sitting on a bench together by the ocean.
"Beautiful moon!" says Bailey.
"Did I ever tell you of my trip to the moon?" asks Sheila.
"You took a trip to the moon?" asks Beetle. "When?"
"The first time you kissed me" says Sheila.
The thing I love about this is that Beetle is absolutely ready to believe that Miss Buxley has been to the moon, he just doesn't remember her being away.
"Starting today there'll be extra meat rations for all" says Crock.
The men cheer.
"The men love you, sir" says a legionnaire.
"I loved that ol' horse of mine, too" says Crock.
I guess the implication here is supposed to be that the extra meat ration is horse, so, ha ha, it's funny 'cause they're eating horse. But they're in the French foreign legion, and horse meat is actually eaten in France. This strip only works if you ignore the entire premise of the comic.
Beetle Bailey, 2014-05-20.
Sgt. Snorkel examines what appears to be an almost life-size statue of Pvt. Bailey.
"What's that?" he asks. "It sort of looks like Beetle."
"I built it..." says Cpl. Yo. "It's a robot"
"How does it work?" asks the sergeant.
"It doesn't!" says Yo, happily.
Oh, just like the real Beetle. I get it.
Seriously though, Cpl. Yo made a statue just so he could do this joke. That's dedication.
Hi and Lois, 2014-05-20.
Hi is at work when his phone rings.
"Who is this?" he asks.
"Abercrombie. You garbage man." says the person on the other end of the call. "Has your wife talked to you about all this stuff she's throwing away?"
Meanwhile at the Flagston residence, Abercrombie is indeed on the phone to Hi and is looking at a pile of things that have been left out for him to take away, including some records, sporting equipment and an old TV.
People in comic strips have really weird relationships with the garbage collectors. My garbage gets taken away by people I don't know and have never met. I don't even know what time they come around.
Beetle Bailey, 2014-05-21.
Pvt. Bailey and Sheila are sitting on a bench together by the ocean.
"Beautiful moon!" says Bailey.
"Did I ever tell you of my trip to the moon?" asks Sheila.
"You took a trip to the moon?" asks Beetle. "When?"
"The first time you kissed me" says Sheila.
The thing I love about this is that Beetle is absolutely ready to believe that Miss Buxley has been to the moon, he just doesn't remember her being away.
2014-03-28
Philosophical Friday: Leave Mimes Alone
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| Brewster Rockit: Space Guy! 2014-03-25. |
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| Todd the Dinosaur, 2014-03-28. |
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| Hägar the Horrible, 2014-03-27. |
I don't know where I'm going with this, it's just something that struck me.
2014-03-23
Weekend Workshop: Everyone gets the Arlo and Janis treatment
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| Based on Flo and Friends, 2014-03-17. |
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| Based on The Amazing Spider-Man, 2014-03-18. |
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| Based on Blondie, 2014-03-18. |
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| Based on Hi and Lois, 2014-03-18. |
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| Based on Mary Worth, 2014-03-19. |
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| Based on Garfield, 2014-03-20. |
2013-11-09
Terrifying costumes
"You're dressing up to hand out candy?" asks Ditto.
"Yeah, what do you think?" says Hi, showing off his cape and fangs.
"I wish you were scarier." says Ditto as Hi quickly removes his fangs and puts on a false moustache.
"Why?" asks Hi.
"If kids are afraid to come to our house we'll have lots of leftover candy!" says Ditto happily.
Neither of them mention Hi's rapid costume change.
Hi and Lois, 2013-10-31.
"Yeah, what do you think?" says Hi, showing off his cape and fangs.
"I wish you were scarier." says Ditto as Hi quickly removes his fangs and puts on a false moustache.
"Why?" asks Hi.
"If kids are afraid to come to our house we'll have lots of leftover candy!" says Ditto happily.
Neither of them mention Hi's rapid costume change.
Hi and Lois, 2013-10-31.
2013-10-06
Hi and Lois
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| Hi and Lois, 2013-10-03. |
Also, what is he eating? Is that a bowl of scrambled eggs? He doesn't even have a fork.
2013-07-15
Hi and Lois
"Why doesn't mom help wash dishes?" asks Ditto.
"Because she cooked dinner." says Hi, morosely.
"And we ate it." says Ditto.
"We already did our share." says Dot.
Hi just glumly hands them a tea-towel and scrubbing brush.
Comic
"Because she cooked dinner." says Hi, morosely.
"And we ate it." says Ditto.
"We already did our share." says Dot.
Hi just glumly hands them a tea-towel and scrubbing brush.
Comic
2013-05-15
2013-05-04
Hi and Lois
"Look!" says Ditto, pointing at a black blob hanging from the ceiling. "Trixie's food formed a stalagmite."
"That's a stalactite." says Dot.
"That's a stalagmite." she says, pointing at another blob of the substance on the floor.
"Throwing food is very educational." thinks Trixie, hurling more of the horrifying black goop onto the floor.
Comic
"That's a stalactite." says Dot.
"That's a stalagmite." she says, pointing at another blob of the substance on the floor.
"Throwing food is very educational." thinks Trixie, hurling more of the horrifying black goop onto the floor.
Comic
2013-04-28
Hi and Lois
"I guess I haven't cleaned in a while..." says Lois to herself.
She runs her finger across the windowsill, collecting some dust.
"Window silt." she says to herself glumly.
Comic
She runs her finger across the windowsill, collecting some dust.
"Window silt." she says to herself glumly.
Comic
2013-03-15
2013-03-06
Hi and Lois
"I wonder if I gain weight when I suck my thumb." says Trixie, sticking her thumb into the hole in her face between her mouth and nose.
"My pinkie probably has fewer calories." she says, taking her thumb out and putting her little finger into the hole instead.
Comic
"My pinkie probably has fewer calories." she says, taking her thumb out and putting her little finger into the hole instead.
Comic
2013-03-04
Hi and Lois
"I hate working on my birthday." says Abercrombie.
"At least Mrs. Flagston remembered." says Fitch.
Abercrombie opens the Flagstons' rubbish bin to find it contains a bunch of flowers that couldn't possibly have fit in there with the lid closed. He is charmed and delighted.
Comic
"At least Mrs. Flagston remembered." says Fitch.
Abercrombie opens the Flagstons' rubbish bin to find it contains a bunch of flowers that couldn't possibly have fit in there with the lid closed. He is charmed and delighted.
Comic
2012-09-17
Hi and Lois
"I think I just blew a fuse." says Lois, pointing at the blender.
"I'll show you how to reset it." says Hi, patronisingly. Because women don't understand complicated things like electricity or fuses, right?
"Flip the switch." says Hi, obviously disappointed to learn that his house has safety switches instead of fuses.
"If I get electrocuted it's your fault." says Lois, crossing her fingers and preparing to flip the safety switch back on. Because apparently women don't understand complicated things like electricity or switches, I guess?
Comic
"I'll show you how to reset it." says Hi, patronisingly. Because women don't understand complicated things like electricity or fuses, right?
"Flip the switch." says Hi, obviously disappointed to learn that his house has safety switches instead of fuses.
"If I get electrocuted it's your fault." says Lois, crossing her fingers and preparing to flip the safety switch back on. Because apparently women don't understand complicated things like electricity or switches, I guess?
Comic
2012-08-18
Hi and Lois
"Mom! The waves are splashing us!" calls a voice from offscreen.
"Move back." says Lois, indifferently.
"But how are we supposed to swim..." says Dot.
"if we're standing on the beach?" ask Ditto.
The two of them stand ankle-deep in the water. The beach is otherwise deserted, due, no doubt, to the oil spill. Lois doesn't answer them, she can't even pretend to care.
Comic
"Move back." says Lois, indifferently.
"But how are we supposed to swim..." says Dot.
"if we're standing on the beach?" ask Ditto.
The two of them stand ankle-deep in the water. The beach is otherwise deserted, due, no doubt, to the oil spill. Lois doesn't answer them, she can't even pretend to care.
Comic
2012-06-12
Hi and Lois
Hi stands in pitch black void holding a phone.
"We're taking a survey." a voice on the phone informs him.
"Do you text while driving?" the voice asks, as a circle of yellow light appears behind Hi's head, like the opening of some monstrous eye.
"No." he replies. "I also don't talk while I eat!"
Suddenly he is sitting at the dinner table in his house. His children stare at him in quiet horror while Lois just stares despondently into space.
Comic
"We're taking a survey." a voice on the phone informs him.
"Do you text while driving?" the voice asks, as a circle of yellow light appears behind Hi's head, like the opening of some monstrous eye.
"No." he replies. "I also don't talk while I eat!"
Suddenly he is sitting at the dinner table in his house. His children stare at him in quiet horror while Lois just stares despondently into space.
Comic
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