I know you'll all be eager to hear what's been happening in The Amazing Spider-Man, but I'm actually going to give that a miss this time, because it's kind of in the middle of everything right now and I'll be able to cover it better in a week or two. Instead I'm going to start with Prince Valiant, who recently crashed his ship (with his family on board) onto an island where they all got attacked.
While Val climbed further inland, lured by the call of a siren, Aleta and Karen were attacked by a serpent. Fortunately Aleta had Val's singing sword and has managed to hold the beast at by thus far. Meanwhile, Val managed to offend the siren (who seems to have him confused for someone else) and she set a cyclops, Polyphemus, on him. Val head-butted the cyclops and took his club, but the the cyclops also has a large knife.
The giant swings and Val ducks, hitting him in the knee with the club. Polyphemus steps back, dangerously close to the cliff edge, while in the sea below the serpent rears up to strike at Aleta.
Seizing the opportunity, Val tackles Polyphemus and the two of them fly out into the air...
Seriously, read Prince Valiant, it's awesome.
The Phantom's current Sunday storyline has been pretty great recently, too. The weekday strips have been just incredibly dull, but an entirely separate story runs in the Sunday strips (for the benefit of newspapers that decide to carry the strip either only on weekdays or only on Sundays), and the current plot is a flashback about Juliet Adams Walker, wife of the fifth Phantom and also known as Captain Amazon.
I'd actually like to hear more about Captain Amazon's adventures from before she married the Phantom, but what we are getting is pretty good. See, the Phantom went after a bunch of slave-trading pirates who managed to overpower him and held him prisoner on their ship. Not knowing what had happened to him, Juliet decided to go after him.
She located a girl the pirates had taken prisoner and snuck into the place they were holding her, traded clothes with her and took her place to be taken aboard the ship.
"Juliet Adams Walker boarded that evil ship to learn the fate of her missing husband!" narrates the Phantom.
The year 1652...
"Heh heh!" leers a pirate.
"Filthy vermin." thinks Juliet as she's led past. "Escape now if you can!"
A single pirate brings her down below decks to the room where the prisoners are kept.
"These pirates think I'm that frightened girl they captured!" thinks Juliet, and as the pirate unlocks the door she lands a solid punch to his head, leaving him unconscious.
"Oh, Kit, where are you?!" she thinks, searching the ship.
"Pirates thought their captive must have swam to freedom after felling her guard!" narrates the Phantom.
Meanwhile, below decks...
Juliet finds Kit, beaten, bloody and chained, but still alive...
At the other end of the Spectrum is Mark Trail. People still get punched but instead of it being by badass crime fighters and costumed vigilantes it's by a mentally challenged nature magazine writer.
Mark's heard about a couple, Jessica and Marlin, who live on a private island, and one of them is a taxidermist who mostly works on fish, so he decided to write an article about them. It's incredibly obvious that they are up to no good, but Mark's just bumbling around in his innocent naivety, as he does.
Mark has just spotted Marlin bringing some people with hunting gear back to the island on his boat and something about it doesn't sit right with him.
"Those guys could be clients of his..." says Mark loudly to no one, while standing in the shadows a few meters from Marlin and his clients. "But why bring hunting gear here?"
Losing interest almost immediately, Mark returns to camp.
"I think I have enough material about Jessica for my story ..." he says, again to absolutely no one. "I'll get a few more pictures tomorrow! Then I'll get back to Rusty and Doc at the hotel!"
In the distance, a deer watches.
2014-03-03
Melodrama Monday: It's been a slow week
Last week I told you what had been happening in Judge Parker, and seven days later absolutely nothing else has happened. But it looks like there might be a battle between the hospital/fortress guards and the people who hate April's father. This being Judge Parker, it'll probably happen off-screen while Alan stumbles upon a lost treasure which he is naturally allowed to keep, but I'll keep you posted.
Mary Worth spent all week on an incredibly awkward dinner.
"Tommy," said Wilbur, "maybe I can help you with your job search! I have a friend who's a manager at SantaRoyMart!"
Tommy threw himself backwards in his chair, raising his arms as though to keep Wilbur at bay.
"The big box store?" he asked, fear in his voice. "No! I can't!"
Mary and Wilbur exchanged worried glances. Wilbur gestured at Tommy with a knife, a move perhaps not best calculated to instil calm.
"I mean..." said Tommy, cowering, "that won't work for me!"
And why could Tommy not bear to face SantaRoyMart? Was it because he used to buy drugs there? Or sell drugs there? Or because hearing the name "SantaRoyMart" would make anyone uneasy? No, none of those. Apparently he once got caught shoplifting there. When he was sixteen. It doesn't even have anything to do with his career as a meth dealer.
The stand-off in Rex Morgan MD ended, as might have been expected, rather anticlimactically and largely off-screen.
"Hey, you didn't have to do that!" whined Buck. "She was going to stop!"
"Let's go outside, sir..." said one of the police officers, gently steering him toward the door. "We'll take it from here!"
The other police officer, knelt to check on Doris who had collapsed after being tased.
"She's not breathing..." she said. "... call the paramedics!"
Turns out she bit part of her tongue off, but was otherwise OK and now she's going to jail. Rex feels bad for Buck, but June is quick to step in to make sure he doesn't do anything crazy like offer to lend him money or do anything else for him that might inconvenience her.
Meanwhilethe devil-child Sarah sees an opportunity to blackmail her babysitter, but we'll have to wait to see how that plays out.
Finally, Shulock is doing her best to ramp up the tension in Apartment 3-G. Tommie's on the phone to her fiancé's mother Rose, who is being very evasive, which Tommie is completely failing to notice. It's not clear what the exact nature of the shocking revelation will be, but it's pretty clear that Tommie isn't getting married any time soon, and not just because she's the least interesting person imaginable or because it would destroy the comic's central premise.
My bet is on Jim being dead, but it's also possible that he may be in a coma, already married, in prison, or a ghost. There's just no way to be sure at this stage. Maggie at the Lovely Ladies of Apartment 3-G and Josh Fruhlinger (the Comics Curmudgeon) favour the theory that Jim never existed at all, which would be the best possible answer, but I can't see it happening.
Mary Worth spent all week on an incredibly awkward dinner.
"Tommy," said Wilbur, "maybe I can help you with your job search! I have a friend who's a manager at SantaRoyMart!"
Tommy threw himself backwards in his chair, raising his arms as though to keep Wilbur at bay.
"The big box store?" he asked, fear in his voice. "No! I can't!"
Mary and Wilbur exchanged worried glances. Wilbur gestured at Tommy with a knife, a move perhaps not best calculated to instil calm.
"I mean..." said Tommy, cowering, "that won't work for me!"
And why could Tommy not bear to face SantaRoyMart? Was it because he used to buy drugs there? Or sell drugs there? Or because hearing the name "SantaRoyMart" would make anyone uneasy? No, none of those. Apparently he once got caught shoplifting there. When he was sixteen. It doesn't even have anything to do with his career as a meth dealer.
The stand-off in Rex Morgan MD ended, as might have been expected, rather anticlimactically and largely off-screen.
"Hey, you didn't have to do that!" whined Buck. "She was going to stop!"
"Let's go outside, sir..." said one of the police officers, gently steering him toward the door. "We'll take it from here!"
The other police officer, knelt to check on Doris who had collapsed after being tased.
"She's not breathing..." she said. "... call the paramedics!"
Turns out she bit part of her tongue off, but was otherwise OK and now she's going to jail. Rex feels bad for Buck, but June is quick to step in to make sure he doesn't do anything crazy like offer to lend him money or do anything else for him that might inconvenience her.
Meanwhile
Finally, Shulock is doing her best to ramp up the tension in Apartment 3-G. Tommie's on the phone to her fiancé's mother Rose, who is being very evasive, which Tommie is completely failing to notice. It's not clear what the exact nature of the shocking revelation will be, but it's pretty clear that Tommie isn't getting married any time soon, and not just because she's the least interesting person imaginable or because it would destroy the comic's central premise.
My bet is on Jim being dead, but it's also possible that he may be in a coma, already married, in prison, or a ghost. There's just no way to be sure at this stage. Maggie at the Lovely Ladies of Apartment 3-G and Josh Fruhlinger (the Comics Curmudgeon) favour the theory that Jim never existed at all, which would be the best possible answer, but I can't see it happening.
2014-03-02
Weekend Workshop: Horror at Charterstone
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| Based on Apartment 3-G, 2014-02-24. |
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| Based on Hazel, 2014-02-27. |
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| Based on Arlo and Janis, 2014-02-27. |
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| Based on Mary Worth, 2014-03-01. |
And I liked this panel from Rex Morgan MD (2014-02-25) so much I shrunk it down to avatar size in case anyone wants it.
2014-02-28
Philosophical Friday: Beetle's Last Kiss
Beetle Bailey's relationship with Sergeant Snorkel is a complicated one. You assume that as Beetle is lazy and incompetent and Sarge is constantly berating and assaulting him that they would feel nothing but enmity for one another, but it seems that that is not the case.
That aside, today what I really wanted to talk about is a different comic. It's called Last Kiss and it is awful. First I'll let you read what GoComics has to say about it.
Sounds OK, right? There's certainly plenty of potential there. Let's take a look at today's.
Oh. Well, everyone has their off days. Maybe that's a bad example. How about the previous one?
So... third time's the charm? One more? OK, I can't even bring myself to link any more of these. It's not that they're lazy, it's that they're just not funny. At all. And someone's actually printing this garbage as greeting cards.
I don't mean to imply that it's easy to think of funny captions for these images. It clearly isn't. They're just single panels of one or two ordinary people with absolutely no context. And that's the problem, I think. John Lustig has set himself an impossible challenge. If he'd gone with an entire strip (or a row of panels from a comic book) for each one then it would not only be easier, it would be funnier. Even if he's bad at being funny (which I suspect he is) it would still be better than this.
But more importantly, if re-captioning other people's comics is a legitimate option, why am I not a syndicated cartoonist yet? I do that all the time!
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| Beetle Bailey, 2014-02-28. |
That aside, today what I really wanted to talk about is a different comic. It's called Last Kiss and it is awful. First I'll let you read what GoComics has to say about it.
Pairing vintage comic art with hilarious, new dialog by Disney veteran writer John Lustig, Last Kiss revels in the absurdities of love, lust and 'life with lip.' The series originated when Lustig bought the publishing rights to a romance comic book series from the 50's and 60's, and started rewriting the stories for fun. Since then, the re-dialogued comics have been a popular feature in newspapers, magazines, comic books and greeting cards. Today Last Kiss is gaining popularity and is also available on email cards from Jib Jab and greeting cards from NobleWorks. Check www.lastkissinc.com for the latest news and product launches.
Sounds OK, right? There's certainly plenty of potential there. Let's take a look at today's.
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| Last Kiss, 2014-02-28. |
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| Last Kiss, 2014-02-26. |
I don't mean to imply that it's easy to think of funny captions for these images. It clearly isn't. They're just single panels of one or two ordinary people with absolutely no context. And that's the problem, I think. John Lustig has set himself an impossible challenge. If he'd gone with an entire strip (or a row of panels from a comic book) for each one then it would not only be easier, it would be funnier. Even if he's bad at being funny (which I suspect he is) it would still be better than this.
But more importantly, if re-captioning other people's comics is a legitimate option, why am I not a syndicated cartoonist yet? I do that all the time!
2014-02-27
Sitcom Thursday: Beer or Wine?
A man in a brown suit strides pompously into Jack's bar waving a fistful of money.
"I had a big win on the horses." he declares. "Cocktails all round, Jack!"
"Coming up" replies Jack, fetching the drinks.
"What's this?" asks the brown-suited man.
"Jack's idea of a cocktail" replies Andy.
"A pint of beer with a little umbrella in it" clarifies Chalky.
But really, what was he expecting just asking for "a cocktail" rather than a particular drink?
Mrs. Halftrack answers a knock at the door to find Lt. Fuzz standing there.
"Why, Lt. Fuzz!" she says. "What a surprise to see you on a Saturday! Amos will be so sorry to have missed you"
Meanwhile, Amos has hidden behind the couch, spilling his wine in his haste. The big surprise though is that he's actually drinking it from a glass rather than straight from the bottle.
"I swear I shall never, ever drink the fruit of the vine!" says Hägar.
"Unless you run out of beer" corrects Helga.
Given that Hägar had a beer in his hand the whole time, it's really not clear what point he was trying to make. Maybe he just doesn't like wine?
"I had a big win on the horses." he declares. "Cocktails all round, Jack!"
"Coming up" replies Jack, fetching the drinks.
"What's this?" asks the brown-suited man.
"Jack's idea of a cocktail" replies Andy.
"A pint of beer with a little umbrella in it" clarifies Chalky.
But really, what was he expecting just asking for "a cocktail" rather than a particular drink?
Mrs. Halftrack answers a knock at the door to find Lt. Fuzz standing there.
"Why, Lt. Fuzz!" she says. "What a surprise to see you on a Saturday! Amos will be so sorry to have missed you"
Meanwhile, Amos has hidden behind the couch, spilling his wine in his haste. The big surprise though is that he's actually drinking it from a glass rather than straight from the bottle.
"I swear I shall never, ever drink the fruit of the vine!" says Hägar.
"Unless you run out of beer" corrects Helga.
Given that Hägar had a beer in his hand the whole time, it's really not clear what point he was trying to make. Maybe he just doesn't like wine?
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